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Click here10,000 miles I fly by night, getting
there in time to walk with you in the sun.
We go through the ruins of Acropolis hill
to see the Parthenon. I'm rude,
pocketing ancient rocks to take
a piece of Greece back home with me.
The white stone and a good day is bright,
but I squint against a brilliant grin.
We know, someone always forgets his sunglasses
and someone else thinks that a scowl is sexy.
The glare blinds, makes my eyes water close
only to open them and find it was all a dream.
Such vividness comes from postcards,
but where does the grit between sheets
and tears on lashes come from?
front to back. pleased to read you
but
(just my impressions)
isn't there a better way to say <i>'We go through</i> the ruins of Acropolis hill'? it's that 'go through' that makes me look askance at this.
i feel there needs a little more emphasis placed on the word 'close' - i know it should be speaking more independently than it is, out there at the end of the line even though that's often the best place to get a word some attention; it feels like it warrants its own line, but that'd mess with your layout for the rest of the write.
only to open them and find it was all a dream.
would this be cleaner as 'only to open them - and find it all a dream'?
the ending makes this write much more important to me, as a reader, than what goes before it. i really, really like that ending!
but where does the grit between sheets
and tears on lashes come from?
So wonderful to take a trip with you once again. An excellent choice for a "first' post. ;)
~ maria
It is readable, has some nice stuff, good turn, and I didn't have to look up Cornford, I didn't have to look up anything. Neo you are seriously lagging behind in the Poetic Pretension race. Everybody knows these things: Acropolis, Parthenon. Now I'm serious - your writing has improved considerably in some years. "10,000" may get you in some trouble in certain quarters esp as a lead. I gave you a 5, now mail the rock back. The poem, outside of the last two lines, which are very good, I like this:
"but I squint against a brilliant grin."
this one:
"and someone else thinks that a scowl is sexy."
even as a toss aside, looks a little too easy.