Prison Daydream

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49 words
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I lie in the warm
and hear my heartbeat

lost in this stone place.
I lie in the warm

and sense the shadows
of bars on my face.

I lie in the warm
and dream of soft silk

and white patterned lace.
I warm in the lie.

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4 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Nice.

Simple but with complex images. I like the word play in the last verse.

DeepAsleepDeepAsleepover 19 years ago
JD...

I sorta liked this, but something about it sticks in my craw and I dunno if I can put my finger on it. It feels a little off. I'm'a re-read it a couple times and get back to you.

jd4georgejd4georgeover 19 years agoAuthor
Angeline...

...you're right on both counts! In my master copy, the periods are now gone. It took me a bit, but "wear" might indeed be better image word. (I was a little too wound up in the sound of the esses).

Thanks, fair lady!

AngelineAngelineover 19 years ago
This is good, jd

it's appealing because it has a nice quiet feeling to it--a sort of meditative simplicity, which is--to my thinking--what a daydream should convey. I like the wordplay, the twist on "warm" and "lie." Two suggestions: 1) lose the two periods; I think this poem works better without punctuation, both because of its brevity and to work the dreamy wordflow, and more important 2) I don't like "sense the shadows." I'm pretty sure I understand the image you're going for, but I don't think that phrase is capturing it. How about "and wear the shadows..." Huh? Whaddaya think, poet guy? :)

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