- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Private Investigator
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Click hereLike trying to collect
a cup of air
still
I continue to search
for the other half
of me that beats
beneath her breasts
- COMMENTS
LeBrozover 18 years agoOnly thing to add to TRM's suggestions is, I wonder, don't you mean "cup of air?"
TheRainManover 18 years agoThe first poem I've read from you. If I may suggest removing a few things to improve it even further - one repeat that is not necessary, as well as the word 'heart'. With that word, it feels cliched, and a bit too sentimental.
Such as:
Like trying to collect
a cup or air
still
I continue to search
for the other half
of me
that beats beneath
her breasts
I also think you should single, not double space.
Welcome to Lit. :)
