- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Rahim's Dream
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Click hereRahim Mia has a dream.
He dreams at night of gold.
Piles of gold.
Coins which glitter
like the Sun itself.
And though he dreams it every night
He never tells a soul.
For telling it
makes reality seem
all the more lame.
For Rahim has no gold.
No wealth.
Just a dinky fisherman's boat
a thatched roof on his hut
and a very old wife.
Yet Rahim dreams
like he was 12
like the very day
he was out of school
running home to play.
Rahim dreams this every day.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousalmost 20 years agoHi, QuietPoly,
I can't keep from commenting on poems.
I like the rhythm and images. It's clear and real but also has a storybook feel. It's direct and leaves the head steady instead of spinning.
***comments*** inline, such as tightening options. Disregard anything that doesn't work.
Best,
rajn...
Rahim's Dream
by quietpoly ?
Rahim Mia has a dream.
***nice assonance with long I sounds***
He dreams at night of gold.
***Could combine: Rahim Mia dreams at night of gold. Piles (or "mounds")of coins which glitter like little suns (or could use the moon, to go with reflective light: "which reflect brighter than a glittered moon."***
Piles of gold.
Coins which glitter
like the Sun itself.
And though he dreams it every night
He never tells a soul.
For telling it
makes reality seem
all the more lame.
For Rahim has no gold.
No wealth.
Just a dinky fisherman's boat
***maybe "fishing boat"***
a thatched roof on his hut
option: a thatched-roof hut***
and a very old wife.
***option: and a wife born before he (correct grammar?)***
Yet Rahim dreams
like he was 12
like the very day
he was out of school
running home to play.
***could be "running home from school to play"***
Rahim dreams this every day.
***Harmonic ending with the rhymes***
Angelinealmost 20 years agowith strong imagery and a good contrast between dream and reality. i think your poem would be stronger without the last line, but that's just my opinion--either way, i think it's really good. :)
