Release Me Under Water

As a fish or mermaid out of water it is an interesting and unusual way of saying so, as is the use of Aquarius. but the cliches let it down. Thanks for the read.

I keep on reading your poems, Theoncomingstorm, though I visit the net only from cafeterias nowadays and I hardly have any time to comment on all the poems I would like to.

I like this one more and give it a 5, but I found it over emotional (it's only a first feeling), like some other pieces you submitted lately. Also I agree with Magnetron's comments and Tsotha's detailed analysis and suggestions. You really could have a very good poem out of this with more work.

One technique that I use for (against) myself when I suspect that I'm been over emotional is irony and self-sarcasm which sometimes works and others doesn't. It is good, though, looking in the opposite direction sometimes. Keep on writing (and smiling sometimes, why not?).

As Tsotha is pointing out, there is a solid foundation here for an even greater poem.

Instead of 'dream of', I would say 'ache for' or 'long for' ...... because you already mentioned 'sleep eludes me'

In the desert with all that sand and wind, 'whirlwind' can easily be swapped with something like 'dustdevil' in order to reinforce the entire dry land scenario.

Another idea for reinforcement - sand dunes are like ocean waves that you couldn't swim in.

5-ed ....

I read your poems "Raining Glass Hearts" and "Loving Him" and felt you were tip toeing the line between emotion and cliché; you still have emotion here, but this time, the clichés were distracting. I'm not trying to be mean. What I'm going to say below is just my humble opinion, given in hope that it will be useful to you, ok?

Consider these: "restless as the wind" and "whirlwind of emotion". Ok, the narrator is restless and overwhelmed. Does it move me that it is "as the wind", or that it is "a whirlwind" of emotion? No, it doesn't. You might as well have written "as restless as a steaming teapot".

You could write an entire poem about your emotions feeling like a whirlwind, about each thought following the next in quick succession, about being taken violently by feelings you cannot control. That would be fine. Now, if you're just going to use the one word, it is a cliché.

What I mean by "cliché" is this: sometime in the past, someone said they felt their emotions were like a whirlwind. Since then, people have been saying "whirlwind of emotion" without developing the idea. It's a place holder for the words you should have used — you're telling instead of showing.

On the second half of the poem (lines 6-13) you are using a simile ("I am like a fish out of water"), and you go on to develop the idea with some nice lines ("I'm wind worn and dried", "I cannot swim in the sand"). If you'd just used that line, without supporting it, it would have been a cliché, too.

There are parallels between lines 1-5 and what comes later. Why not combine them into something unique? Here, these lines say approximately the same things:

1) Sleep eludes me

2) The song of the Sirens keeps me awake

1) I'm as restless as the wind

2) I'm wind worn and dried

1) Memories race through my mind

2) I dream of the waves

1) A whirlwind of emotion courses through my veins

2) I want a place of tranquility

3) The ocean calls to me

1) This Aquarius cannot thrive in the desert

2) I am a fish out of water

3) I cannot swim in the sand

4) Release me underwater so I can breathe again

I think you should try to distill this poem to the core of what you want to say, and then find the metaphor / simile you want to use to describe it. There is the potential here for a very good poem.

I see a theme, here: 1) "I am restless, I am overwhelmed, I want a place of tranquility" and 2) "I am like a *fish out of water*, bring me to the *ocean*", that is, "a place of tranquility where I can finally be free from these emotions".

I have also noticed the capitalized Aquarius, which I take to mean the astrological sign. You say "this aquarius", and then immediately after "I'm a fish". Why be both? And why not use the aquarius simile for your poem throughout, then, instead of developing the idea of a fish out of water?

I 5'ed the poem, by the way; keep writing.