- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Relief
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My father’s voice across the Solent: Please,
you must come home. Your mother died this night;
she dropped dead in the bathroom. Please, come home.
When the call came, early, I was found
still fast asleep, it shook me. All the same,
it meant that she was spared a lot of fears,
her husband failing, her back sore, and then
the long forgetting; fear of being seen
incompetent, free choice no longer hers –
one streak of pain, then darkness as she crashed,
stretched on the floor, herself until the last.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerover 11 years agoThis is good, but I don't think blank verse for the entire poem works well, given its narrative. It felt a bit contrived next to sudden death. I think a sentence fragment might have been more effective in your father's voice, rather than yours to start the poem.
I wouldn't change stanzas two and there. Here, I think blank verse does work inasmuch as there's reflection by the poet, and then transitioning to sentence fragments in the third stanza while still maintaining the rhythm works well in my opinion. However, I would have made the sound of the poem disruptive in the concluding stanza because of "pain" and "darkness."
This, of course, is just my perspective, Demure, and I do like your poetry very much.
DawnJover 11 years ago"...herself until the last" This is the ultimate triumph of the human spirit. Very nicely rendered!
