Same Old Shit

Thoughts are swirling though my cerebellum and threaten to destroy my composure. I was not supposed to see you tonight but when I did, feelings buried deep inside - feelings that I thought were dead and gone - came flooding out in an evil fashion. It's the same old shit, really; I was never over you fully, and I'm in misery because I've seen you, even though it seems that I've moved on.

I'm disgusted with my feelings and I'm not sure what to do with my impromptu. Another man now stands between us two and though I love him I still want you. It's a funny thing to wing this feeling that's sent me reeling the second I see your face. When I look into those brown eyes which hurts so bad it gives me hives, I don't see my reflection but rather imperfection. I can't hold onto memories of us and of a love that never was. Emptiness surrounds you and has found you a shield from me and now we can't even be friendly.

I don't really know why we ended up awry but I do know that I did show my affection in quick and deliberate succession and I came out with a heart felt confession, but got nothing in return you see, so forgive me my animosity but I don't understand how you can turn your back on feelings you wouldn't even act on. God help me, sometimes I think I'll never be happy with what I've got, always wanting what I haven't got, and it's killing me. It's so apparent you don't care and it hurts like hell, but oh well...

The good girl that I am can hide and finagle my feelings and am able to try and move on but it's so hard when I've got no one to share it with. Friends, not really friends, break confidence and choose precedence so my feelings are not my own but shared and loaned for a bit of gossip and I've had it. Unable to understand how I can be this way and unable to comprehend why my heart won't mend, no one really listens so I swallow my feelings and emotions like mind-eraser potions. Pretend not to see, pretend not to be, easy-peasy like one, two, three.

I think aloud that I'd be proud if we never spoke again but inside I'd die. Inside my mind you'll find a way back. Don't text me, don't ever call, and like Carl Thomas said, I wish I'd never met you at all.