- Non-Erotic Poetry
- secession
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Click hereOnce, we were birds and flowers etched
Into painted concrete, gilded
As if gold transformed to love.
But gold finally is just element, mere leaf
At that, decoration fallen dead
From a dying tree. Here now remain
Only chalk lines on wet pavement
In muted colors of yellow and blue,
Their limestone smeared and washed
Like a children's game abandoned
During a rainstorm
Late on a summer afternoon.
- COMMENTS
twelveoonealmost 16 years agoOnly chalk lines on wet pavement/
In muted colors of yellow and blue,/
Their limestone smeared and washed/
Like a children's game abandoned/
During a rainstorm/
Late on a summer afternoon./
Lets clean this up a bit - 1 of the few things I learned from Senna Jawa is the weakness of similes. It is stronger if it is, not like. But we'll lead with a simile here.
As chalk lines on wet pavement,/ (took out in)
muted colors of yellow and blue,/
Of limestone smeared and washed,/
A children's game abandoned/
Late on a summer afternoon/
Rainstorm./
Some of the words taken out, I don't think you need, but you are the authour. Just something to think about.
sassynycalmost 16 years agothe images in this poem are beautiful and peaceful. very mellow and somewhat hypnotic.
