Silent Tears

Brought down as a gift from Heaven
Laid out so innocent and pure
One so young, with so much to give
Being taken away from those who need her

Not one single dry eye in this horrid smelling place
So cold, ... and clinical..
Family and friends huddled close together
Weeping and recounting tales of joy

With the sound of dying laughter
A broken sob cuts through the silence
A sorrow-filled wail, screaming .. in my head
Make it stop.. please.. someone.. make it stop

This sound of loneliness is just ringing in my ears
For some reason I cannot move, only stand off to the side
I watch those in the room, some sitting quietly, some chatting off about
Arrangements with the Director now being finalized

I feel a tug at the corner of my shirt, my imagination is running away with me
I don't want to be here, yet I can't make myself leave
Looking down at the small solemn face below, I can see the lack of understanding
Deep in those sea deep pools, that seem to be staring me through

I remember now, clear as day, as if it had only happened moments ago
Flooding memories come crashing through, breaking all the barriers I had erected
So long ago, I tried so hard, I had almost certainly forgotten
But what lies here now, is nothing I know
Vibrant and beautiful, amorous and funny
THESE are things that course through my veins
THESE are the memories that fill me now with loneliness
Desolation has now set in

Where do I go now..
What do I do..
Who is there to talk to..
That understands me like only you..

I am biting back the bitter tears that ache in the pit of my throat
I keep a solemn face to those who don't know me at all
A deep realization has now set in, You won't be there when I get home
Frustration and Guilt are deeply rooted within my being

There is something I forgot to tell you..
Ok Ok.. I didn't forget..but I put it off too long
I hope you're out there listening, in some way shape.. or form

I want to curl up, in a little ball
I don't want to face the world
It's cold and harsh, it's what I've come to live with
But you.. always.. made it bearable

I feel physical pain, deep inside
So deep, and I just can't reach it
I can't bring myself to shed a tear, and yet I feel my soul bleeding
Incomplete, and empty.. please.. please help me..
I don't want this ache to go away
I'm afraid to stop hurting, in case I forget
I am afraid to forget you,
Today for a moment, I forgot your face
I got really angry
I looked at you every day, and yet my mind couldn't draw your picture
I took out a photograph from only a week ago
...7 short days ago
Smiling brightly..
Your eyes were full of laughter
Surely you had pulled a prank
The sound of your laughter haunts me at night
When everything else is silent

I don't know if I can do this without you
You are one of the very few, that proved I could trust
The nasty things I pulled, just to see if you'd let go
The things I did to test you, to see if you'd slip away
Ample opportunity, boy, I gave you lots
But you pulled me closer, and you held me tighter
With your words, with your thoughts, with your kindness
You were the first person, to show me what kindness was you know
What it meant.. no strings attached
I don't think I've found another that could do as you've done
I pushed you as far away, as anyone could be
Yet the harder I pushed, the deeper rooted your heels
And you earned my respect, you earned my trust
From you, I learned patience, from you, I learned love

This is very hard, it's not easy at all..
I took you for granted, I assumed you would always be there
I took advantage of time, and I let myself be fooled
I thought .. I had forever..

I missed the signs that were directly in front of me
I wonder now .. how I could have been so blind
To feel your arms around me one more time, the ones I had turned away from
Too stubborn to accept that I needed.. that I wanted you close

I feel .. guilty.. for being left behind, and that you're gone
A sadness I can't even describe, the loneliness, too much to bear...
You.. were the one.. my God.. this is so.. fucking.. unfair
How can something so good, be taken..and me left behind

I feel.. so.. guilty.. for being alive, to be able to step outside, to enjoy the sunlight, to enjoy life, as dull as it is
I feel guilty..for being alive

You always looked deep inside, and managed to find some good
Leaving me with a comforting smile as you touched my cheek
You were made of magic, a true inspiration indeed
Never taking more credit than what was yours,
Never making more of a deal than what it was
Never seeking approval, just knowing it would be there
You always found a reason to laugh
Usually at yourself
I learned to love to laugh
You taught me to find the good, discard the bad
You taught me to have strong opinions, to stand for what I believe in
You taught me to stand up, even against my friends, against injustice.
You taught me pride, how to hold my head up, even when it was so heavy
You showed me how to take responsibility, for what was mine
You could have walked away
But you didn't
You could have turned your back
it was what I expected
You could have simply not cared
No one would have blamed you
You could have written me off as trash
I don't think I would have been disappointed
Instead you shocked me, and those around
You took me in, you gave me what I craved, what I needed, what I desired
and I didn't even know it at the time
I didn't know, that I wanted... that I needed, to be loved
and yet.. there it was
You showed me.. what "unconditional" meant"
You showed me.. that being wrong, wasn't bad
You showed me.. that I can learn from mistakes, and that I can move on
You showed me.. how to be my own person
You showed me.. that I didn't have to be everyone else's person, but that I was fine to be my own
You showed me.. that it was alright to like myself......

..............

In a way.. I'm glad
You will remain beautiful, patient .. and seemingly so untouched by life's harshness, for all of eternity
And that.. is what I'll remember..
You had that way about you, that nothing bothered you, nothing got you down
I loved that about you, your inner strength, your rebellious core, and yet, .. still maintaining a fragile.. sensitive....... touch

The touch of your fingers, damp.. from quickly drying them after doing dishes, thoughtlessly patting my head
The harshness of your voice as you called out a warning
The gruff but gentle way you had of making things alright
I can't find enough words to explain how wonderful you are
Or to voice out in the open, things I had buried for so long

I am so.. so.. sorry
Those words are so insignificant, they ring false, and empty
But I know.. if you were here, they'd be enough..
I know.. if you were here.. you'd offer a smile and scoop me up in a hug, that out of habit I would squirm away from, being "too cool" for that sort of thing
I know.. that if you were here..I'd be happy again
I can't promise that I wouldn't take advantage..
I just loved you too much to share
You were a constant, you were a rock, you were forever mine
You are the best friend.. I've ever had in my whole life..
Without you, I would have never learned what that was
Because of you, I understand..
I know that if you were here, you'd wave your hand and you'd dismiss it
You were humble, always.. but I never missed the sparkle in your eyes
I saw how it made you happy to hear
and I just never showed you in the ways I probably could have

What I do know, is that wherever you are, if there is a Heaven..
That You've returned home, and that you're the brightest star out every night
That you're the loudest boom of thunder in a storm
That you're the first raindrop to drop from the sky..
And that you're the rainbow that beautifies the receding storm

I hope.. that wherever you are..You aren't disappointed
I hope.. that you're proud..
I hope.. You're still smiling on me.

I love you.