Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click hereFire on the horizon. From the top
of my old pillar I can see and smell
approaching unconcern: the lapping tongues,
as horses' hooves strike sparks out of the flint,
come ever nearer, while the olive groves
that long lay smouldering, burst into flame
against the grey of evening. Our age
has lost coherence slowly; now the years
roll by, unruly, and the days are tossed
like off-hand pebbles in a stream. The roar
of fire and water's in our ears; time's course,
time's constant change, comes tumbling past. It will
be years before the ground beneath me grows
cool grass again - before we may unwind
and clear the rubble time has left behind.
Much much better than your porcine poem. Bit unsure about the line: "the lapping tongues, as horses hooves strike sparks out of the flint," - dropping "horses" and substituting "out of the" with from doesn't cut it either.
A good one.
ruin itself precedes an aftermath of destruction. TK U MLJ LV NV
Interesting subject, and well executed.
The only quibble is the same one that Angeline mentions - the apostrophes. I find them distracting, and often unnecessary. For example:
Stanza 2: as horses' hooves strike sparks ...- why not just horse hooves strike sparks?
Stanza 4: the roar of fire and water's in our ears; time's - why not just the roar of fire and water in our ears?
Minor quibbles as usual. And you may well have reasons that escape me (meter, or something like that).
and filled with images and other sense ticklers that can make me as a reader see and hear and feel what you're saying. That's my kinda poem. There are a few editorial revisions I might make, like find a way around all those apostrophe s's, and not sure if "coherence" works best in this context. I'm guessing you didn't want to go for the well-worn "meaning," but I'm afraid I'm blanking on alternates....
(BTW funny story about that profile pic: someone once asked if it was me lol. I'm old but not that old!)
Beautiful poem and easy five.
ok D
off-hand pebbles in a stream
fire and water's
see what you did, just a slight shift - NICE
do it here:
grey of evening