- Erotic Poetry
- Take Me
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This is my first publishing guys, constructive criticism is good but please go a little easy on me. Thanks in advance.
My Love,
How I long for you,
Every cell burning,
Bursting from my core and running like wildfire through my soul,
My skin pricks at the warm caress of your breath,
Back arching,
Heart racing,
Body aching.
"Take me."
Wrap me in your arms,
Pull me close
Relentlessly demand me,
Take what you desire,
Answer the call of my heart,
Can't you hear it?
Screaming out for you,
"Take me."
Press your hands to my cheeks,
Your lips to my forehead,
I want to feel your desire,
Feel your need for me,
I need to see it in your eyes,
Feel it in your touch,
Burn for me like I burn for you,
"Take me."
Don't you know I am yours?
Don't you know I will always be?
Have always been?
I love you,
Completely,
Unabashedly,
Eternally,
"Take me my love."
- COMMENTS
LWulfalmost 11 years ago"I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. and interesting rhythmic devices which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.... yeah, okay enough of that silly nonsense!
I am more used to making a joke where I sound smart, opposed to being serious and proving that I don't know what I'm talking about!
I am hardly accomplished yet I will make two nuance comments:
First, your structure seems to be 1-8-8-8-8, maybe this suits some predefined pattern, I wouldn't know. Yet wouldn't it make more sense to go 1-8-8-8-8-1? You start with "My love", ending each stanza thereafter with the refrain "Take me" except the last, which you say "take me, my love". Wouldn't it be more "proper" to say:
"Take me"
My Love.
In that regard, it would end as it began...
The second is, "Don't you know I always will be?" does that sound better? Perhaps that has to do with style, which, if it is, then I shouldn't have mentioned it.
It really is very good, and I hope to see more works in the future from you!
rexbrookdalealmost 11 years agoThis poem holds both in its expression. Vividly done. It is hard to compliment adequately; I hope the creation of this poem gives you what you needed from before, during, and after you wrote it.
erectus123almost 11 years agojust a brief comment so as to encourage you, take these two lines,
"Bursting from my core and running like wildfire through my soul,
My skin pricks at the warm caress of your breath,"
"wildfire running through soul" is an easily visualized scene, the fires across the country are televised nightly, but how do you visualize "soul", it is a poetic concept that may not meld well with wildfire. Now lets say that's ok, the "skin prick" is jarring and I don't think that is your aim, not really logical and its saving grace is phallic but that comes too early as your conclusion is anticipatory. The rest of the poem is fine, not stunning as it is personal and most meaningful to your lover, be he real or imagined.
Best regards,
