Thank You

I wanted to say thank you.
But I never really had the chance.

I wanted to tell you thank you and that I miss you.

A long time ago when I was in more pain than I could bear, you stood beside me.
I didn't notice it at first.
But you were there.

Sure I had known you since I was a child and we were in the same circle of friends.
Sure I knew you had a crush on me all through high school.
I didn't notice you.
You were a friend.

I never really knew what that meant though, until a short while ago.

What I saw back then was a nerdy girl with blonde curls and rim glasses.
What I didn't see is how much you loved me.
I didn't see that until many years later.
Nor did I see the passion you had for life hidden behind the wall that veiled you from us.

Probably because I didn't understand what love was, or what friendship was, or what selflessness was...

I didn't see you.
And I'm sorry.

I really miss you.

You were always there for me, somewhere in the background.

That Summer when I came back...
I was such a mess.
I had lost the person I thought I was going to marry.
I was such a fool.

You met my sadness with friendship.
Loving touches that persisted.

Never demanding.
Never asking.

Always there.

I miss you so much.
How I need my friend back.

We sat next to each other on the couch with our friends.
We were in separate colleges.
States separating us.
Never destined to be together.
It wasn't our fate.

But you were still there.

And the one time I needed it the most...
You held onto me.
And you let me hold you.

It was what I needed the most.

And everytime we met after that we did the same thing.
Held each other.
Never a word between us.

Never a question.
You knew what I needed.
You loved me.

You saw my pain and you held me.
Even if my pain was for another.

I was such a mess those few months.

How many times did you hold me that Summer?
Not enough.

And when it was over, I sat in the car with you and thanked you.
We were going back to our schools.
Separate lives.
Different futures.

We knew it couldn't be.

I could have made love to you that night.
You would have been my first.
You would have let me.

I didn't though.
Because I didn't deserve you.
I had too much respect for you even if your childhood crush blinded you in seeing something in me that wasn't there.
I knew you needed me and I could have taken advantage of it.
But I didn't.
It's not who I am. I could never do that.
I was not your future, even though you wished me to be.
You never told me that, but I knew.

I was too much of a boy for you then.

So I kissed you and left you there in the night.
And thanked you.

I never saw you again.
We graduated our separate lives and I moved.
So did you.
I married and had children.
I'd heard you had done the same.

So I didn't think about you for 15 years.

Then I heard you had died.
It was the cancer.
You were so young.
I didn't know.
That was 5 years ago.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed it.

I'm so happy you found a loving husband to hold your hand.

I didn't get to say goodbye.
Or say thank you.

Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for never demanding anything from me.
Thank you for selflessly giving me what I needed the most...
Even though I couldn't give you anything back but appreciation.

Because I didn't love you then.
But I do now.
I just didn't know how.

Thank you for being a friend Sheri.
A friend like I'd never had or ever will again.
You were there for me...even if it was for a short time.

You'll always be there for me in my memory.

Rest in peace.
I love you.