The Dying Light of Day

The Dying Light of Day

Emotion is something I can not hide, yet I can not have. I can't love you. I can't allow myself to love you. I feel no pain. I am truth in the strongest words of the feeling. I am the dying light of day.

In the dying light of day I catch the whispers of what use to be, what was and what might have come if I lived to see the morn. They appear like ghosts on the horizon. They are all glittery and colorful-no shame.

In the dying light of day I feel no regrets-just loss-for things that could have been and never will be. The tidal waves of despair overwhelm me with grieve. Yet I am strong and feel no pain as the light of day fades away and I know there will be no morn, for me, ever again. I am finished. I have completed my work and now it is time to meet my creator for the first and last time. I am released.

Yet I long to feel your fingers along my jawbone, to hear your voice in the distance, unaware of my presents, or my involvement with you. It has been decades since someone touched me as you have touched me. There is an inter-strength within you that washes me clean of all shame each time I see you, and so I have deprived myself of you. I have no right to be cleansed. I am not pure.

I am poor. Yet, could be rich with you; I have committed no crimes, yet I am a criminal in your arms stealing from you like a thief in the night. I'd do anything you asked. I want to be with you, I want to be yours. I Know I do not deserve you. You are like an angel on the horizon before me. All that I am is you. Loathe me. I have no right to walk on the same ground as you, yet I have for decades and you've adored me. Lavished me with gifts and supplied me with an abundance of hurts to match those gifts. I adore you.

I know that you are a monster, the evilness that you wish to do makes my skin craw-I am excited. You have taken away the light and left me in darkness. Yet, I see the illusion of what ifs on the horizon and have to contain myself to let go- move on. The only thing you can offer me is darkness before the dawn and it's not enough. I want to see the light again through your eyes. I want to see your joys as you experience them. I crave to be with you.

Yet...

Emotion is something I can not hide, yet I can not have. I can't love you. I can't allow myself to love you. I feel no pain. I am truth in the strongest words of the feeling. I am the dying light of day. Is it in my soul-darkness-the need to be beaten, handcuffed to you for eternity? Why can't I just... go away?