The Inevitable

Why do I convey such desperation?
Do I lack any evidence of dignity at all?
Do I even harbor an ounce of self respect?
I'm so ignorant and blinded when at the end of the road
There is something I value
A feeling I lust for
A feeling that completely breaks me down
Makes me feel like a coward, a child
lost in a crowd
I'm reaching out my hands
Cant you see?
If age doesn't define wisdom
Then where can I find it please?
Surely you must be able to read between the lines
And in time understand my intentions
Sex is but merely the catalyst to what I need
Because it brings me to this sacred place mentally
But I wont let just anyone bring me there
I need to trust I can be protected if in fact I do get scared.
At this moment
When I review all that has been said
And I am reminded how fucking pathetic I acted
Of course I'm full of shame and regret
Who would have wanted to disclose such weakness
Especially because that someone was you
I have to laugh now because it's a catch 22
Either way I fucking lose
Because the more I want the less I'm willing to give in
I dig myself into a hole and convince myself I'm enjoying it
All because I want to be this martyr
But all I ever needed was another distraction
Something to keep my mind off the truth
That the void I have will never be filled
So I avoid worrying about that
By trying to please you
Trying to replace everything I lost from that time
I am convinced I'm losing my goddamn mind
It is escaping my body falling right out of this head
Because in the end no matter what my father's still dead