The Promise of You

long before i laid eyes on you
i knew you were out there
living your life
breathing your air
looking at the same sun i watch come over the horizon
after restless nights
and watching the same moon
i see over my head as i lay in bed
wondering if you long for me
as i pine for you.

my heart is capricious
it's true
i am a gemini
in the truest sense of the word
but the one thing
upon which i never wavered
was you.

for years it was the promise of you
who you might be
what you might look like
how your skin would feel and taste
and what i would feel pressed against your chest
feeling the thundering beat of your heart
as your warm breath caressed my forehead from above.

now that i THINK
i know who you are
where you are
what you are
i feel the same longing
yet it is filled with anxiety and deep sadness
because somehow it never occurred to me
you might not want me
love me
adore me
need me
see me.

all these years i lived
on the promise of you
and survived the unbearable
believing that you were out there
waiting for me to uncover the secret of your existence
relative to mine.. that is.

never once did i question
that we would be in love,
lovers
destined to be soul-mates
forever.

my historical context
should have prepared me for this
eventuality.
the fact that my life,
up to the point that you came into it,
has been a non-stop marathon
of the series
"punk'd"
should have been sufficient warning
that the likelihood
of us meeting and being together
happily or at all
would go smoothly
was sheer insanity.

all of this time
i survived on the steady diet of your
imminent presence and love
coming to me some how
someway.

yet now that i know who you are
what you are
where you are
i feel full
and empty
hollowed out by the knowledge
that i will never feel your lips upon mine
unless i steal kisses
never know your skin sliding against my skin
warm, sweaty, damp and tingling from hours of passion
my dreams die a small
empty death each day
each night
as the promise of you becomes
an image of you in the rear view mirror of my life
no longer on the horizon, or up ahead
only in my small heart
where i cherish
every moment, each glimpse
because it is all i have,
a mere promise