- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Time Breaks
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Time takes a holiday, somewhere, south of forever
with seasons never changing and us, suspended,
grateful for the chance to just lie here
stretched between the birches
and sway. To and fro like the way
the weight slips through the
dimension that we're stuck in, waiting
for time to get back to work.
A vacation from worry, a great notion
that somewhere between the moon
and the ocean there is a tide, ever
changing and us, falling for the moment
and caught up in each other
as we sway to and fro together
beating through the season
as time joins us on our holiday.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 18 years agoBeautifully done Carrie,
Your capture love and longing and make them yours.
CC
LeBrozover 18 years agoI see what TRM is saying and concur;
The first half carries it off quite well
Yet the second half, while weaker,
Seems to complete things
As time itself takes a break...it's a draw.
twelveooneover 18 years agoOn the other hand, this third stanza would have been a potential disaster for a lesser writer, very musical. I would have changed "and" for "for" to add an element of ambiguity.
"A vacation from worry, a great notion
that somewhere between the moon
and the ocean there is a tide, ever
changing and us, falling for the moment"
My Erotic Trailover 18 years agoI don't see how you could disolve the latter part of the poem and still get the full glory of the read? I enjoyed the whole poem, every word melted into the next perfectly and the big picture left me ...leaving a comment saying, ...great poem.
Anonymousover 18 years agoVery good poem, champ.
The only thing that seemed to bother me was the period after
"sway" in the second stanza. I would have like to seen the "and sway" written in the first, then continue with "to and fro" in the second stanza like this:
Time takes a holiday, somewhere, south of forever
with seasons never changing and us, suspended,
grateful for the chance to just lie here
stretched between the birches and sway
to and fro like the way
the weight slips through the
dimension that we're stuck in, waiting
for time to get back to work.
I can't knock down the rating for one error. (IMO, anyway.) It didn't take away from the poem. I just wanted to point it out.
Thanks for sharing!
