too deep

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sandyb
sandyb
58 Followers

you loved me too hard, too long, too deep.
the secret was mine to keep
but my skin cracked in your heat.
you loved me too hard, too long, too deep
and bared heaven to my sight.
you made me cry like a girl
and take an uncertain leap.
you loved me too hard, too long, too deep.
you put me on your back and
wore me like a dirty shirt.
my self bled out, and I am
mere earth beneath your feet, since
you loved me too hard, too long, too deep.

sandyb
sandyb
58 Followers
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4 Comments
KobaKobaabout 12 years ago

Quite good! I liked it!

TzaraTzaraabout 12 years ago
I like your poems, generally, Ms. S. but they often seem a bit short

of wonderful. I'm not quite sure why. With this one I think it has something to do with your rhyme. It's like it decays later in the poem, which is an idea I like, but it doesn't seem supported (at least to me) by the sense of the poem. I can find internal rhymes for most of the end lines (though not "girl" and "shirt" unless they're meant to match) but the end result still seems a bit haphazard to me.

I know I'm sounding rather like a grandfather who is complaining about the styles you youngsters wear (harumph, harumph), but there it is.

Generally approved of, but a bit cranky feeling about your capitalization.

Call me Ishmael.

greenmountaineergreenmountaineerabout 12 years ago

Skillful use of repetition. "since" in the next to last line felt a bit forced to me as if it was inserted to maintain a certain number of feet to the line. If that were the case, "underneath" would have worked, and given the importance of the repeated line, the last line as a stand alone declarative sentence might have given greater weight to the finality of the relationship as well as the poem:

"................I am

mere earth underneath your feet.

You loved me too hard, too long, too deep."

I always enjoy reading your work.

tazz317tazz317about 12 years ago
BY ALLOWING THE LOVE TO ENTER

relations are altered, TK U MLJ LV NV