- Non-Erotic Poetry
- trying to forget
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So I tried so hard to forget
all those things you said,
so hurtful,
so patronizing,
I've forced a wall of steel
deep within my soul, and I write...
Remote controlled cars and puzzle pieces
it's all we've grownup ourselves to be,
following orders,
must do as they said,
you'll be nothing so that's just what I did...
Green candlelight flickers on champagne colored walls,
cushions shielding us from all these hard falls,
we try to make it all so simple
but it's just words in our heads...
And I've tried
and I've cried with no prevail at all,
midnights and summer-scapes,
every but where we lay,
it's so hard to catch up
and just too difficult to say,
I give in, I am the let down,
once again I'll play the clown,
they point, they laugh,
and I just get up and crawl...
Bloody half life I live half-living
screams of under caring
I tore out their throats
& made them beg
I told them "kiss my toes"
ensure me this day
that you love me
tell me nothings wrong
I hear your voice
I see your smile
I feel your song
Mention Paris with a certain flair
& take me to your bed
I lead a hollow exhistence
and nowhere am I led
you thought you'd never see the day
yuo made this strong girl cry
but little by little I follow you
just to be let down to die
Sing me to pieces
flood me flood me with your lies
fill my head with bitterness
and walk with me in night
bug filled wilderness of my mind
you now inhabitate
joyous ringing
you're still singing
& I am full of hate
- COMMENTS
jthserraabout 20 years agoneeds some cleaning up. There are several rough spots that detract from the drive of the poem. The line: "it's all we've grownup ourselves to be," grownup should be two words, but I think you could drop the "up" and the line would flow better. The line" "and I've cried with no prevail at all," I think it would flow if you simply said: "and I've cried without prevail" dropping the "no" and "... at all"
"midnights and summer-scapes," I love that line, the way it sounded and "every but where we lay," seemed odd at first, but upon second reading, I kind of like it.
"tell me nothings wrong", you'll want an apostrophe on nothings... and later, "exhistence" wants to be existence.
You have a powerful rant here again, but the things I mention above sap its strength. A poem like this lives to roll quickly, and these little things stop it. Read it out loud and listen. Wherever it sounds off to you, dress it up to flow with the rhythm. A good effort that you can really make shine with a little work.
jim : )
