T'was Two Weeks Before Christmas

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T'was two weeks before Christmas
When from out of the East
Came the shrill piercing yell
Of the mother She-beast.

Her children took flight and hid in their beds
While visions of dysfunction muddled up their heads.
And thus she flew in and launched her attack
With a whip in one hand and riding Bills' back.

Then out in my kitchen I heard dreaded clatter
The besotted, belligerent, nonsensical chatter
Of the woman who puts my patience to test
Who I call through clenched teeth, my Mommy Dearest.

That was only the beginning of the theatrical show
I don't think I'll make it, there's 3 weeks to go.
I sure picked a hell of a time to quit smoking
When my thoughts turn to matricide am I still only joking?

And as quick as a wink she started the riot
Destroying thoughts of Christmas peaceful and quiet.
Now I can think of a few things I'd like to deck.
As I wind Christmas stockings 'round mother's neck.

"Come here daughters, my son and my Bill!
Do as I say and you may survive still"
"I'll change all the plans from minute to minute,
And don't you dare complain or you're deeper in shit"
"Now up on your toes
Every single one, you ungrateful children
Don't you want to have fun?"
"And what's that you say?!
Is that a complaint?!!
Why you have some nerve, I'm always a saint"
"You always had magic at Christmas time
When you were too young to stand up to contradictions of mine"

As dry leaves that tremble before the wild hurricane fly,
They shake as they meet with this obstacle and cry.
So onto the house of dysfunction they flew
with stress and anxiety and feeling quite blue.

The house is quite festive and all looks quite right
She does put up a good front for the fight.
We each planned our escape in case our nerves hit the rooves
Once she climbed in the bottle and dug in her hooves.

She looked just like a mom
with her apron in place
But we knew what demons
lurked behind her face.

We had better be pleased with all of our gifts
Or pretend well in order to avoid another tiff.
So we smile and say thankyou and nod with deceipt
as we desperately look to find the receipts.

(Oh Jingle Bells, I'm in hell
Santa, where's my ride?
It's freezing on this rooftop
And I'm not going inside.)

Her eyes, how they twinkled with the glee of the insane
From her lips poured forth gibberish that was mostly inane.
Her sharp little tongue lashes our hearts
and her words pierce our brains like poisonous darts.
She sits on her throne and stares down at her realm
Her tactic is frustrate, disorient and overwhelm.
And her husbands sits by and ne'er utters a sound
(unless he knows that she's not around).

She's loud and overbearing, controlling, sometimes mean
She's confusing and contradictory and a big drama queen.
She knows she doesn't need reindeer to fly
She gets a rise when her children cry.

And she'll play the martyr
She did do her best
And we ungrateful children
should see how we're blessed.

She kept shouting commands
and set them to work
Not really caring
if she drove them berzerk.

And once we're all broken
She'll triumphantly shout
"See kids, family togetherness
is what Christmas is about!"


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TathagataTathagataalmost 20 years ago
I had a few

christmas seasons like this with my dad.

I know what it took to write this.

: )

Thank you for sharing

jthserrajthserraalmost 20 years ago
A lot of work is apparent here

but if you're going to lampoon a popular classic, you have to hold to its form. The breaks in meter here:

""Come here daughters, my son and my Bill!

Do as I say and you may survive still"

"I'll change all the plans from minute to minute,

And don't you dare complain or you're deeper in shit"

"Now up on your toes

Every single one, you ungrateful children

Don't you want to have fun?"

"And what's that you say?!

Is that a complaint?!!

Why you have some nerve, I'm always a saint"

"You always had magic at Christmas time

When you were too young to stand up to contradictions of mine""

throw the pace off. I think if you buckled down the metric breaks you'd have a pretty fair rendition of the original.

I think this poem must be the most lampooned of any out there. There is a website that collects all the different versions. You might want to run a google and send them yours.

jim : )

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