Ultimate Control

It started with a kiss, ending in violence
Wasted time, cruelly spent, he loved me not
For awhile he was capable of pretence
But when he thought he had possesion
I was his, his and only his, no love involved

Loving words were spoken, not meant
Kind gestures given, for a harsh fee
He wanted from me what he didn't have
Love, unconditional love and power
Taking it without permission, like rape

He was funny, smug and seemed strong
I was attracted to him, I was so niave
The first time he hit me, I was in shock
Stunned with rosy cheek , shining ablaze
Apologies quickly said, it was well meant

I forgave him, I loved him, time goes on
I had made him mad, it was my fault
He told me once he knew he loved me
Through a counselor, someone to help
But only after the first blow had landed

He loved me not for my personality
Nor for my wit or possible intelligence
They became a threat to his manliness
He loved me because I belonged to him
His bone to chew on and slowly consume

The cutting words and nasty comments
Were always in my very best interests
What you wear is slutty, put this on
Your friends are rubbish, you have none
You need only me, I am your world

Your family they take you for granted
Loving not you but what you give to them
I love you, truly love you, forever and always
Why else would I stay with you, you bitch
Again and again, till I was brainwashed

I learnt to hide the bruises, keep them hidden
My life lessons were also to be very meek
Provide sustenance, speak nil or little comment
Give no opinion and do not ever contradict
Be respectful at all times and do his biding

To cope, I became a very sad, numb zombie
Going through the daily chores and motions
Doing what I needed to do, almost uncaring
Only loving and laughing, alone to my kids
No mirror could I look, the image was pitiful

He was sick, I had to be strong in all ways
The days were long and filled with fear
Indecision from lack of self confidence
Doubt from years of infrequent abuse
My mind tortured more than my body

Just waiting for the next cruel word or blow
Unexpected but somehow foreseen
A pattern built, I was his punching bag
Had a bad day honey? Take it out on me
I was worthless, and downtrodden

Pretecting my children, shielding them
It wasn't enough, they were still effected
Their little minds glimpsing the blows
Not understanding Daddy's bad wrath
He hurt my body not, I learnt to escape

My mind would not, could not be taken
Through tears and bruises I would smile
Tending to my kids while he was fuming
Doing my best but it wasn't ever enough
He scared me, making my life one big tear

He could not take my soul, nor my words
They were mine to keep, my feelings mine also
My thoughts he could not alter or infiltrate
I loved my children and wanted the best for them
I had to break the violent cycle, they were my hope

I had a plan, I had secret friends and strength
He left me, under false pretences, I waved goodbye
Scared but full of bravado and hearty resolve
When all was legal, said and done? He stalked me
But in the end? I won. He no longer had control.