- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Uncertain Pleasures
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Uncertain pleasures - on the polished floor
my dizzy feet will tentatively try
to make it to the other, brighter side
but find it hard to take me to the door
while other, drunken dancers sail on by
like sad ships staggering against the tide
and on the bar I see the glasses gleam
filled brightly red or sunny yellow, cold
and tempting, and there is the smell of beer
that mingles with the smoke, as in a dream
in which before my eyes the clouds unfold
and all the muffled noises that I hear
come strained through cotton-wool – there is a band
attempting music, whose uncertain ear
will only serve to make me sadder still…
Just like a bubble vanished from my hand
the endless evening leaves me standing here -
and though I'd rather go, it's stay I will.
- COMMENTS
pelegrinoover 10 years agoI like the mood of this self-abandonment and loneliness in the croud. This willingness and indecision at the same time. Your rhymes and your rhythm (meter) are full of music, and all your cadences are inconclusive (imperfect) till the end. Brilliant stuff!
Angelineover 10 years agoLyrical and it mostly flows like wine. I think the best poems do what you have done here--create a sense of the sacred in the commonplace (if that makes sense). A few lines need little fixes ('in which before my eyes..." seems to stumble and 'it's stay I will" seems almost too casual for the tone you've established in the rest of the poem).. But really this is just beautiful--put me in mind of Eliot. :-)
Oldbear63over 10 years agoI am uneducated and sometimes confounded by the terms and language of poetry critics, I just know when something sounds so right, and moves me. This one certainly did -
"will only serve to make me sadder still…
Just like a bubble vanished from my hand
the endless evening leaves me standing here -
and though I'd rather go, it's stay I will."
twelveooneover 10 years agoanti-extacy poem ever
almost tempts me to try my hand at this poetry stuff
almost
real crit - I got to the end before you did. you are treading, excuse me. dancing on the same ground
this however
my dizzy feet will tentatively try
metrically speaking is one of the few where it really fits ie, tentatively
and maybe here
attempting music, whose uncertain ear
nice variations, achieved through mulitsyllabic words
be almost worthwhile to see if the metre boys break out of their
this is simply lovely
5ed
of course
