- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Up in Smoke
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A grey awakening. Then there's a whiff
of woodsmoke in the early morning, faint
but quite insistent - stuck upon the hard
well-ordered asphalt stretch there is the red
and sprawling width of other roads, the sound
of hadada and walkers, and the thin
warm smell that speaks of maize cobs roasting. Touts
shout distant quarters; from the dusty kerb
the waiting people fight to board the worn
old minibusses. Squeezed inside, they'll make
their way downtown - Ngong Road, Uhuhru Highway -
fast and dangerous. Too soon, though, all
is blown before the wind. The trees return
to normal and across the frowning sky
a seagull comes morosely flying by.
- COMMENTS
Angelineover 11 years agoand I am waaay over 30. I don't think the poem is as tight as it could be--maybe lose some extra words (or find others if this is following a specific metric--for a minute I thought terzanelle). I like the slant rhymes and (for the most part), the line breaks. I think overall it's very good but could be better with a little more editing. Still 5ed it. :-)
Desejoover 11 years agoDemure, forgive me for this cultural reference (which has nothing to do with East Africa), but to any American above age 30 "Up in Smoke" refers to a Cheech and Chong film about a couple of stoners. I was actually wondering if you were taking on a new subject line (smile).
To the poem itself: What's odd about this to me is the lack of color, given the location and fact that you are dealing with images like minibuses and countryside that are an absolute riot of color. I can only infer that this is intentional and has to do with the rather odd line 'soon, too soon, all/ is blown in the wind'. The grey awakening, same thing. If this is about an (all too frequent) road accident I think you could have made that come through stronger. I'm not sure it is, though, and I think the subtlety will be lost on most.
