Valentine Variations

On this
____Valentine's
____Day
I think you're
____Vivacious and
____Delightful
and I'm
____Very
____Devoted
to you.
Unfortunately, I have a
____Veneral
____Disease
I mean, we do.

I loathe the fetid stench from "Valentine's Day", invented by heartless money-grubbing mega-corporations. But I think you're cute.

Will you be my valentine? OK, well, will you be my Fuck Puppy?

My valentine, by the time you've read this, the nerve toxins I put in the wine should be paralyzing your muscle control. Wonder why I'm standing in front of you with a plastic spork in my hand? You're about to find out.

Will you be my Valentine, Aunt Gladys?

In our grueling relationship, we've nearly beaten the life from each other and destroyed the few positive things we ever knew. But at least we're still together! Happy Valentine's Day!

I need to bend you over, pull down your panties, and give it to you hard and deep... Will you be my valentine?

You are truly more beautiful than the goddess Aphrodite herself. Unfortunately, I'm gay, so I can't be your Valentine.

Hey Cyber-Valentine!
I know we've never met or even been in the same zip code, but the love and virtual sex we share is every bit as adulterous as if we lived next door! Happy Valentine's Day!

Will you ask your butt if it will be my Valentine?

It wasn't only obligation that caused me to get this Valentine's Day card.

If you'll be my Ken, I'll be your Barbie! Except, with genitalia.

Happy Valentine's, Coworker! You're a great person and a good friend. When I screw my wife, I pretend she's you. Ha Ha, just kidding!

You cheated on me, Valentine, so I've been doing your Dad. It's funny the way he begs me to run away with him and dump your Mom. Make sure to watch us on Jerry Springer next week.

Please accept this mass-produced greeting card as evidence of my sincere and deep feelings for you

Happy Valentine's Day, Slave! OK, shut the fuck up and get on your knees. NOW!

I guess I should include the kids on this Valentine's Day card. If not for them, I'd have been long gone by now.

Valentine, if my wishes came true, you'd be coated in my saliva right now.

Happy Valentine's Day, you CHEATING RAT BASTARD!

It's a shame you're gay/straight (circle one). otherwise I'd want you for my Valentine.

Yeah, I've been boning your roommate for a few months, but it was only to be closer to you. Wait, that didn't come out right. What I mean is, I wish I was boning you. OK?

You promised to be my Valentine last year, but then you went off with that slut Melissa. Maybe you thought it was just polite to accept my heartfelt offer, but I considered it a contract. That's why I'm having this delivered with a subpoena. See you in court, Romeo Butt Munch.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
NGGNGNGNGNGNGNNNNNN
.....
whewwwwwwww
....
Happy Valentine's Day, Baby