- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Vortex
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that sustains us
turns on us,
wearing the face
of ten thousand knifes,
dissecting us into the dust
from which we grew,
scattering us upon the barren ground, and
prays that a gentler breed of demons
will rise from our ashes.
- COMMENTS
buttersalmost 13 years agothe layout off-putting, breaking this apart too much even though it's possible you intend for exactly that look to underline the scattering, the breaking apart, of us into 'dust'... reading it, though, it didn't work for me in a positive way to aid the write.
now, the wording, though... that i like. most of it anyway. not sure about 'very' in 'the very air', and whilst the image of the knives works with the concept of 'dissecting' i'm struggling a little combining 'air' and 'knives'. but i do do do like the conceit of the air praying for 'a gentler breed of demons'. that phrase lingers....
greenmountaineeralmost 13 years ago"demons" needed a precedent IMO to justify its inclusion. Otherwise, just hint at it; too declarative.
twelveoonealmost 13 years agolet's take what UYS said, suppose you had inverted the sight structure, more appropriate shape, despite the fact shape poetry generally is lame, that might have worked, the words are generally good, slightly portentous. A 5
UnderYourSpellalmost 13 years agoI would have enjoyed it more if it didn't look like a Christmas tree
