Warm Spring Day

A warm spring day
The type that you dream about
Throughout the frigid winter
Somewhere a sandlot bustles
Pop flies and skinned knees
And somewhere pigtails fly
Over sidewalks marked with chalk.

In a nearby tree a bird sings.
I don't know it's name
But I'm sure you would
You always knew such things.
All I know is a song that should be sweet
Is to me shrill, a banshee wail.
Still I wish to be under that tree
Beneath it's limbs, in cool shadow.
The day isn't hot, just warm
But dark clothes heat up fast in the sun
And my suit is no exception.
I can feel dampness on my face
Saltiness on my lips
Whether sweat or tears, I do not know.

Of course we can't be under a tree
In shadow we might accidentally notice
The dark hole they'll put you in
It is oh so important to hide it
This void and it's dark finality
With their carpet of fake grass
Who do they think they are fooling?
This bright day doesn't lift spirits
Not beauty, but blasphemy.

I know, I know, I'm being foolish
They do not fear the shade
It's the roots that are the problem
Ever growing, questing under the ground
Strength enough to topple monuments
And break their way into tombs.
Still, I think you might like to be part of a tree
Yes, I'm sure that would please you
They have to stop this
You must be moved
This is no good at all.

I remain silent.
Mustn't cause a scene
Must be respectful, but to who?
You're not here anymore
The minister just said so
This isn't for you then, its for them
And as I glance around I wonder
Who are you people?
Do I know you?
Did you know her?
I catch a women's eye, a stranger to me
This behemoth all in black
A sympathetic look on her face
But in her eyes I think I see a smile
And I want nothing more than to end that smile
Throttle her until she admits she is not a women
Just a fat black vulture, feeding on my pain.

I stand still.
The vulture looks down at her feet,
Or at her stomach, as the case may be
I think she saw something frightening in my eyes
Maybe not
Who knows, who cares?
Wait, the holy man thinks he knows this one.
Buzz, who is God, Alex?
Awww, sorry, wrong answer.

To God, we are but ants underfoot
You say he has a plan
I say, fuck his plans
What about my plans?
Why don't they matter?
I planned on having a family
White picket fence
Beautiful, smart, wonderful children
A dog named Spot or Rover
And most importantly, my wife by my side
Now I have nothing
And I am supposed to have faith
In God and his infinite mercy
Then show some fucking mercy Lord
Bring her back to me
Please, I'm begging
I'll do anything, just bring her back

The minister is wrapping up now
Psalm 23 followed by the Lord's prayer
Ah, a man who appreciates the classics.
Next comes the words of condolences
The shaking of hands
But I know that I can't do it
Look in the eyes of the vulture woman
Or that man to her left that keeps checking his watch
Or that kid in the back who's playing a gameboy, for god's sake
I can't, I can't, I can't.
But I must, I know that
It's my duty and I'll do it
This, and that other thing
The promise I made you
I haven't forgotten.

I walked into that room for the last time
Everything so sterile and white
Blazing, brilliant, searing
An explosion of nothingness
And it made me feel dirty
Like I had committed some heinous crime
Coming from a world with so many colors
To your prison of white.
And there you lay in its center
Once a beauty so remarkable
You could turn a goddess green
Now, an abomination
A skeleton somehow still possessed of life
As if by some heinous dark magic
A bald skull with a mouth that still spoke
And eyes that still saw...

Your eyes, the only part of you unravaged
The first thing I saw on that long ago day we met
The first thing I saw when I lifted your veil
Now slipping behind a veil unmovable.
As I looked down at your blighted form
You beckoned me closer with your eyes
For your hands, so shriveled they were almost translucent
Still weighed to much for you to move.
God forgive me, I did not want to heed your summons
Afraid of what might lurk close to you
A nimbus of sweat and urine and death
But I was always powerless to resist you
So I leaned forward, trying to hold my breath
But then I worried you would notice
I braced myself for the worst and breathed in.

Dried flowers
All around you arose the smell of dried flowers
Kept lovingly in a scrapbook
A reminder of happy memories
Preserved forever, but at a price
Life crushed from them as your illness crushed you
And I realized I had been stupid to worry
You couldn't smell of rot or corruption
Angels don't go out that way.

You smiled up at me
A ghost of your beauty flew across your face
There and gone in an instant
And you whispered something inaudible
I leaned closer and felt your breath faintly in the cup of my ear
You told me you loved me but you had to go
But first you made me promise
I tried to brush it off but you insisted
And so I promised
And I waited for you to say more
I'm not sure how long I stood there
Before I realized I no longer felt your breath.

Condolences just a blur
As my mind lingers in the past
Left alone to say private good-byes
And I find I have nothing left to say
So I turn and walk away
An empty man returning to an empty house.
I love you more than anything
But a part of me hates you too
Hates you for leaving me here all alone
And hates you for the promise you made me make
The curse you laid upon my head
But I will obey this, your final wish
I will continue on as best I can
For you, I will live.