What You Do To Me

This is a stream of consciousness. I wanted to structure it, I strive for organization and order in my writing as in my life, but I can't think of any other way to accurately portray what I'm feeling. The past few days have been the proverbial roller coaster. I think of it more like riding the waves. Water crashes over the sides, and even when you crest and rise above, you know you're just going to slap back down. I smell of sweat and seawater.

The overwhelming force of life is daunting, I feel as though I'm in a dark shadow.

And yet, for everything that seems to be dragging me down, choking me, there's so much more that I want.

It is rough, it is difficult, but I know I can get through it. As tiring as it is to run the treadmill, (where it doesn't matter how fast you run, you never advance) I feel like there is something to be had. I want to get through it. I want to have a career, I want to do what I love, I want to have a place to call home, and I want to travel. Adventure seems to be calling me, and I'm willing to weather the difficulties of life in order to get it.

Adventure has manifest itself in a way that I didn't expect. My usual facade has slipped away. Inside, boiling deep in my emotions, I've always wanted to be this way. I've wanted to shove aside the expectations of society, to throw off the shackles of shame and guilt. I want to be me, and I want to be wild. You seem to make it possible, even for just a short while.

In your laughter and compliments, I felt comfortable, and I opened up. I'd been as honest with you as I'd be honest with anyone in my entire life. All of my secrets came tumbling happily out, and without shame I laid my desires bare. Intelligent conversation gave way to frank honesty.

Now I shake as I dial your number, feeling a nervous, warm feeling rising in my chest.

Flashes of you pop into my head. Laughter, stories, smiling so much we feel it burning into our cheeks.

The pitch of your voice drops, not quite to a whisper. It's as if you know that what you are saying will affect me, will drive my desires open again. I can hear your coy tone, and it excites me.

New memories. Memories that never existed. Fantasies.

I see your bare heels pressed against the sheets, lifting your hips.

I hear your impassioned moan.

I feel the soft flesh of your hips, marred only by the goosebumps rising as I kiss behind your ear.

I know what I want, and it's you.