Wish, Instead.

Wish, Instead.

I wish I told,
Instead of holding my tongue.
I wish I said, "No, that's wrong"
Instead of acquiescing.
I wish I ran like hell from you,
Instead of desperately wanting a full-time mom.
I wish I called Children's Aid, like you told me to,
Instead of believing I'd never see my siblings again.
I wish you had chosen me, your blood,
Instead of that stupid cow.
I wish you had the guts to be a man,
Instead of avoiding my eyes as you walked past.
I wish I knew how much you love me,
Instead of feeling insignificant.
I wish you hugged me,
Instead of using your fists.
I wish you said "fuck you" to him,
Instead of "Lizzle, go back to bed."
I wish I understood then,
Instead of hating your weakness.
I wish you wanted to take care of me,
Instead of needing to be looked after.
I wish I put down the bottle,
Instead of taking another shot.
I wish I had gotten up from my knees,
Instead of continuing to fellate.
I wish I were happy to be uniquely me,
Instead of wanting to be like vapid you.
I wish I were a confident woman,
Instead of a confused little girl.
I wish I'd move on to the next frame,
Instead of forever pressing rewind.