World's Worst Love Poem

Oh my dearest [insert name here],

Your eyes shine more powerfully
than a ’66 Dodge Charger
Yes,
it Does have a Hemi.

Your body was obviously the inspiration
for a Ralph Steadman painting

and your voice is that of a thousand angles…
all eating bar-b-que’d chicken
at the exact same time.

I’d like to take you home with me,
[insert name here].

I’d like to bathe you in a tub filled
with my own mucus.
Don’t worry,
for I have a head cold
and a funnel that works
in reverse.

With the speed and precision
of a professional
peanut butter and jelly sandwich maker
making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
I would spread my snot across every curve
of your
delicate
little
body.

I would kiss the tip of your nose
after you gave me the
oh so familiar
look in your eye that can only mean:
“I just threw up in my mouth.”

Oh, [insert name here].

After we were finished in the tub
I would not dry you off,
no.

I would lead you
naked and dripping
into my parlor den.
There we would make love
under the gentle glow
of a Suzy Orman VHS cassette
because
nothing excites my genitalia better
than sound financial planning.

And the love,

OH THE LOVE!

With a squeegee in one hand
and a Remington electric razor in the other,
I could lead you sexual ecstasy not experienced
since John Wayne Gacy took of his clown suit.

Our audience would be various types of
farm animals
with differently keyed harmonicas
strapped to their mouths.
They would elicit a dissonant symphony
of colliding notes
every time you reach orgasmic climax
and cry out:

”Squeegee me harder Shave Daddy!
Squeegee me HARDER!”

“Oh Insert Name Here!
INSERT
NAME
HERE!”

later.
after the night was finished.
we could play a game of
Get the Hell Out of my House and Never Come Back.

I await your response,
[insert name here].

If it is yes, leave a Polaroid of an aborted fetus upon my doorstep
and wait for my phone call.

You will know me by the sound of
screaming children
who are having
golf tees hammered underneath their
fingernails-

For thus is the sound of Love,
[insert name here].

Thus is the sound of my love,
for you.