"I want it Charlie." I said simply not knowing how to express myself more simply than that.
"I know you do, baby and I swear to God, I want it too. But not like this." I closed my eyes and felt the first shards of reality enter back into my mind. "Don't worry. I'll take care of you."
Charlie kissed me and then licked his way down my chin and neck as he pulled my shirt up exposing my stomach and chest. His lips teased my nipples until they were hard and just a bit tender before he swirled his tongue through the hair on my belly. I felt my belt being unbuckled and my zipper lowered. His hand brushed my hard cock through my briefs making me thrust my hips toward him.
"You like that, sweetheart?"
"Oh God, yes!" I said and felt my pants being pulled off my hips.
Charlie's tongue ran over the length of my dick still in my briefs and spent special attention to the small wet patch of precum that had leaked through at the tip. I shivered a bit at the cold when my briefs followed my pants passed my hips but I didn't have much time to think clearly as Charlie's tongue was on my dick, my balls, my sensitive pubic area. He even pushed my legs apart and licked my grundle. Then his mouth was back on my cock, teasing my head and swallowing my length to the back of his throat. I moaned and took his head in my hands, running my fingers through his hair.
"Oh God, Charlie! Suck my dick!" I demanded as my hips thrust my cock up into his warm, hot mouth. He hummed in response and I felt the vibrations travel down my erection and reverberate in my prostate.
I lifted him off me and threw him down on the seat where I had laid and moved over him to aim my dick back at his mouth. He looked surprised but his lips curved in a quick grin till I gave them something else better to do than smile. I started fucking his mouth with all I had knowing that I was going to cum soon. I felt the tingle in my balls and felt the desperation in my entire body.
"I'm gonna cum soon, Charlie." I whispered not really caring if he heard me.
He must have cause I felt his hand grab one of the cheeks of my ass and licked his finger before slipping into my tight ass. It started off slow and gave the sensation of my impending orgasm another dimension. I gasped as I breathed and thrusted getting closer to fulfillment and just as his finger touched my swollen gland, I cried out and let my cum pour over his tongue only to collapse against the window. Charlie took my spent cock from his mouth and moved behind me to pull up my briefs and pants. After he finished dressing me he pulled me back against his chest.
"I love you too, baby. I love you so much." His arms wrapped around me and squeezed. He sat me down, buckled my seat belt and sat back in the drivers seat. We drove home holding hands but didn't speak. There was too much to say.
After we got home and opened the door I headed into my bedroom, collapsed on the bed and passed out.
My head hurt. It was my first conscious thought and probably my second and my third. My fourth conscious thought was `oh fuck, does it hurt'. I was brave enough to open my eyes and almost immediately closed them against the sunshine pouring through the window. That was until I heard the snoring next to me. I opened my eyes and looked over at Charlie's sleeping face and the little bit of drool falling from his lips. Memories of last night came rushing back to me and I just shook my head. I thought about claiming I was too drunk to remember anything of what happened, but that had been a hell of a blow job. My eyes wandered down his naked chest to the covers that were pulled just above his belly and I wondered if he was naked beneath them. I noticed he wasn't snoring anymore and my eyes flew to his. They were open and he was giving me his patented sleepy, sexy, I-want-to-fuck-you-till-Tuesday grin.
"Morning." He said.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been lobotomized."
"Yeah, you were drinking pretty heavy there for a bit."
"Why didn't you stop me?"
"It was the first time in the last week you let yourself go and have a little fun. I was there to protect you."
"Like you did in the car?" I asked and his grin widened.
"No one got hurt as I recall."
"It wasn't supposed to happen."
"Of course it wasn't supposed to happen." He said and I was a bit surprised he agreed. "Like that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I would have preferred it to be in a bed, you a little more sober and without all of your `I know I'm going to hate myself in the morning but do me baby' speeches."
I tried to be angry but I had to laugh.
"You're a fuck and I don't sound like that."
"You really do. It was one of the first things you said to me when we met, `I'm really drunk'."
"Never happened, you prick." I chuckled.
"It did. I was like `oh yeah, this ones mine!'." We both laughed and he reached an arm over to pull me closer to him and I let myself be pulled. It felt good to be pressed up against his chest, wrapped in his arms but it also scared the shit out of me. "Stop it."
"I know you. Any minute you're gonna start thinking and start talking yourself out of this."
I didn't answer. He was right. The minute I admitted to myself how nice it felt with him, I started freaking out so I gave in and just let myself be with a contented sigh. That was until the doorbell rang.
"Don't answer it." Charlie said. "They'll go away."
"And what if they don't?"
"I promise you, they will."
They rang again and I went to answer the door. It was Dennis. Of course, it was. My life only asked for this. `How much drama can one person have?'
"Hey, Ryan." Dennis said with a dimpled smile. He was a bit shorter than I was and built stocky. His blond hair was cut close to his head
"I know it's a little early but I saw your car here and wanted to catch you before you headed off to work."
"That's all right. I just got up."
"I stopped by last night but you weren't here."
"No, I was out." I answered lamely.
"I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight."
"Actually, I have to head in to work in a little bit. I'm working 11a to 11p."
"Same thing tomorrow. I'm pretty busy this week with everyone taking vacation time. That's why I couldn't come up to Sarah's cabin."
"Yeah, she said. I thought of you down here alone and figured I could keep you some company. I guess I didn't think about you having to work so much. Why don't we do breakfast tomorrow?"
"Sure. That'd be good."
"Great! How about nine?"
"Cool. I'll see you then."
"Yeah, see you then." I said and watched as he headed to his car.
I closed the door and turned around to see Charlie leaning naked against the doorway of my bedroom staring at me with his eyebrows raised. My groin tightened in response to the picture he made and I felt betrayed by my own body. My dick thickened, my heart raced and skipped beats, my mouth watered and all I wanted to do was drag him back to the bedroom and have my way with him.
"So, who's this Dennis guy?"
"He's.... he's a guy."
"I understood that much." Charlie said as he came into the living room and sat down on the couch. "You're interested in him?"
"No. Yeah. I don't know." I answered honestly and sat next to him on the couch.
"Sounds like you don't know what you want."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious. Thank you for saving the day with your powers of perception."
"Don't get bitchy." He said with a sigh. "I'm not exactly in the great mood I woke up with either."
"Why did you say you'd go to breakfast with him?"
"We were both going to be up at Sarah's for the holidays. We're both single and we were both interested."
"Sort of a first date?"
"Until you found out you had to work."
"Until I came back?"
"Something like that."
"And now you have to choose."
"Yup. I have to figure out if we can fix everything between us or if I should try to build something new with someone else."
"That's a nice way to look at it."
"For one minute Charlie, see where I'm coming from. I'm in the middle of this and either way I choose I could be missing out on something special."
He was silent for a moment, just sitting and frowning.
"You're right. I can't say I'm sorry you're in this position cause the fact that you are means you feel something for me and I think that's worth fighting for. So I know what you have to do."
"Yup. You have to give Dennis a chance."
"Get to know him." He stood up. "See what he has to offer."
"I don't understand Charlie. Is this some sort of fucked up game you're playing?" I said as I stood and followed him into the bedroom where he dressed.
"No game. If I stay you're going to be confused and I need you to know how you feel. If you choose him then I wish you the best in the world. If you decide you want me, I'll be waiting."
Having finished dressing, he pulled me into his arms and lowered his forehead to mine.
"You need to trust me and know that I'll do anything for your best interest. That's something you're going to have to figure out by yourself. If you believe this Dennis or some other guy can give you more than I can then you should be with him."
I was speechless. The old Charlie would never have said this or much less meant it, but his sincerity was obvious.
"I love you, Ryan Miller and I pray to God you choose to give me another chance. But most of all I want you happy and if I can't make you happy then I'll let you go."
Charlie tilted his head and took my lips with his and his tongue slipped in to mate with mine. I felt my heart beat faster and my head swam a bit. When he pulled back I looked up into his eyes. He smiled but I could tell he was as scared as I was. Scared that I wouldn't be able to find my way back to him. His arms tightened around me for a second before he let me go and left.
I dressed for work and arrived early but sat out in the parking lot thinking till I was five minutes late. I was assigned to work with Paul again but thankfully he only said some generic greeting and left me to my own thoughts. The day progressed typically and I was even drawn out of myself by some of the calls that we had. As I arrived home I figured it was time to ask for advice and reluctantly called Sarah at the cabin.
"Hello?" She answered.
"So you ruin my holidays by not showing up and dragging one of the only other adults away leaving me alone with my family and then don't call for days. I hate you. We're not best friends anymore."
"The other adult chose to leave, I didn't drag him anywhere. You love your family and you're having a great holiday and you could never hate me."
"Fine. I guess we're still best friends. But you could call every once in a while."
"Sarah, I've been going through something and I've not been sure that I wanted to tell you."
"I'm not going to like this, am I?"
"Probably not, but I need you to be my friend on this and not freak out. I need help."
"Ok. What's going on?"
I told her all the things that had happened since they had left for vacation, that Charlie had come back and after I was done the silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.
"You're also awfully quiet."
"I'm on my way. If I pack tonight and leave in the morning we'll be there by the afternoon."
"I'm not joking."
"Sarah, don't do that. I don't need you here, I just need to talk to you."
"You obviously do need me there! Jesus, I leave you for six days and all hell breaks loose!"
"Nothing's broken loose, I'm just a little mixed up right now."
"Seriously? How the fuck could you be thinking of taking that scumbag back? Jesus, Ryan! You were a mess when he left and he cheated on you!"
"And now you have Dennis who's adorable and into you and never cheated on you."
"So what's the problem?"
"I'm not in love with Dennis."
"You don't even know him. You DO know Charlie, the cheating asshole. You're just caught up in what you USED to feel for him."
"What I STILL feel for him. Sarah, I'm not a kid. I know what I feel for people. I just don't know what to do about it."
"You still love him?"
"Then why are you asking me what you should do? If you love him, then you know."
"Oh come on! This isn't a fucking Lifetime movie! Real life's a bit more complicated than that."
"I don't know what you want me to say, Ryan. I'm telling you what I think you should do but you don't seem to want to hear it."
"I guess I don't." I admitted. "I hate the holidays."
"Look, I love you and I'll stand by you no matter what you decide but I don't think you're making a good decision right now."
"I haven't made any decision yet. You're not exactly unbiased, Sarah. You never liked Charlie."
"I did like him Ryan, up until he left you and then we found out he cheated." Sarah sighed. "All right, you want an unbiased opinion?"
"Yeah, that'd be nice." I answered with a bit more attitude than I intended.
"Charlie's done. You went there, you gave it a try and it didn't work out. Move on. If you don't want Dennis then find someone else."
"What if I move on and miss a great opportunity with Charlie?"
"You can't think like that. `What if's' aren't going to help you move on. If you go with Charlie you might be missing an opportunity with Dennis."
"Does life REALLY have to be this hard?"
"Only if you're doing it right." Sarah said satirically.
"Well, it sucks."
"Yeah, it does." I could hear Sarah's smile over the phone. "I know I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear but did I help?"
"I guess. Never leave me again. For the rest of our lives you have to be within fifty feet of me at all times."
"I'll try. Now if I know you, you have some thinking to do."
"Why does everyone say that? Do I over analyze things?"
"Just a bit. Take a breath, stop beating yourself up and figure out what you want."
"What if what I want is risky?"
"I hate the fact that you said that. Well, if you're going to throw away all our years of friendship and make me answer as an unbiased friend, I'd say risk is a part of life."
"And if you were answering as my dear friend Sarah?"
"I'd say Charlie sucks, he deserves to be beaten and Dennis is so much better."
"I did. I think I'm going to do that thinking thing now."
"Give me a call, you shit."
"I love you."
"I love you too. Give the kids and Drew a kiss for me."
"I will. Bye, kiddo."
I hung up the phone and sat back on the couch. This life stuff was really unbearable at times.
I walked into the little cafe Dennis had chosen to have breakfast at and sat down to wait for him. I was a little early and already dressed for work so I wouldn't have to go home before my shift. I didn't have to wait long before he showed up and I took the time to watch and study him as he approached. He smiled when he saw me and headed over to the table.
"Hi." He said.
"Hey, good morning."
"Morning. You been waiting long?"
"No. Just a few minutes."
"Good. So how have your holidays been going?"
"Oh with work, I've actually been pretty busy. Not much time for holidays really. Yours?"
"Not bad. My family's out west and I have to stay pretty local for work. I was up with Sarah and Drew but I heard you were down here alone." Dennis smiled and shrugged. "I figured I'd come and keep you company."
"That was nice of you." I said, feeling a moment of guilt. "So how do you know Drew?"
We spoke of the trivialities and minutiae of our life and enjoyed a very nice breakfast. I tried very hard but couldn't stop myself from making comparisons between him and Charlie. Not all of them landed in Charlie's favor but I was left no closer to being able to make a decision. I figured I was putting too much pressure on myself and not giving Dennis enough time or credit. This entire situation was entirely unfair and I began to feel horrible about my part in it.
"Ryan?" Dennis was looking at me expectantly.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I said, I was... you know, it's not important. Are you all right?"
"Yeah. It's been a tough week."
"With Sarah gone and everything? I don't mean to throw her under the bus but she was worried how you were doing down here alone. She actually said you would probably lose it without her. It was kind of her idea for me to come down. I thought it might be a little presumptuous but she said you'd appreciate it."
"Did she?" I couldn't really be angry with her since at the time she didn't know Charlie was back, but even if she did she probably still would have suggested it. "She's great like that."
"She is pretty cool." Dennis smiled and took a sip of his coffee. "So what's your day like tomorrow?"
"I don't work until 11pm."
"Would you want to get some dinner tomorrow then?"
"Yeah." I said and tried to convince myself that I would. "That sounds great."
"Nice. I'll call you tomorrow afternoon and we'll set up the details."
"O.k. I'll talk to you then." I said and gave him an awkward hug as I left for work.
Once I got to the ambulance squad I saw that I was going to be working with Al today, threw my stuff in the back and sat in the passenger seat. Al drove around for a while before asking if I wanted to talk about anything.
"Is that a real no, or a no and then you spill your guts."
"What do you think?" I bit out.
The night passed slowly.
I woke up around eleven and lay in bed trying to find the energy to get up. I found it about an hour later, washed, dressed and headed out to do a little Christmas shopping since I didn't have much to do that day. Even though Sarah and her family's gifts had already been bought I found some other things that I thought they'd like. As I carried the bags out to my car I saw that part of the parking lot had been roped off to sell Christmas trees. I figured I'd go and see if anything caught my eye. The one that did was the saddest, most miserable tree I had ever seen. I loved it.
"I'll take that one." I said to the guy.
"You're one of those people, aren't you?"
"Charlie Brown Christmas Special People. The ones that want the most pitiful tree they can find."
"I guess I am."
"Well, it takes all kinds." He said and took my money. I tied the tree on the top of my car and had to laugh at the pathetic sight.
I got back to my apartment around three and brought everything inside. When it came to the tree I just leaned it in the corner that I was going to set it up in and started wrapping the gifts that I had bought. I had just started when the phone rang.
"Hey Ryan, it's Dennis. How are you?"
"I'm good, Dennis. How are you?"
"Doing real good. What you up to?"
"Did some Christmas shopping, picked up a tree and now I'm just wrapping some of the gifts I got."
"You got a tree? You put it up yet?"
"Um.. no. I didn't."
"Well, how about I pick up some take out and we put it up?"
"I'll be over in about an hour?"
"O.k." I hung up the phone and ran around cleaning up all the stuff thrown all over the place.
True to his word, he was there an hour later with Chinese food, a cute little Santa's hat and smile on his face. He had even brought a mix of Christmas music he had made.
"Where's the tree?" He asked after he set the music to play and I got out the decorations.
"There." I said, pointing at the tree.
"That?" His expression showed confusion. "Really?"
"What's wrong with it?" I asked, defensively.