365 Days of Master Ch. 03byRendclaws_titechatte©
With new resolve to make today much better than yesterday, i awoke before my Master. i slipped out of bed and hurriedly completed my shower. i lay everything on the counter to be set on the table for breakfast, with the exception of the juice and milk. Then i went and lay out clean towels and a washcloth for my Master's bath. i took Him a clean suit of clothes to the bathroom. Then i sat at the computer, quietly awaiting my Master's wakening. i felt better about this day. There wasn't much meandering in my mind except pleasing my Master. 'Isn't that what He brought me here for?' i thought.
Master awakened to the sound of the alarm clock. i would have liked to shut it off and woke Him by sucking His cock. What Man doesn't like that kind of awakening? But then, my Master was not just "any" Man. Fear kept me from doing this. i had already played that scenario over in my mind and given our relationship of me being slave and Him being the Master, i just didn't think any of that was appropriate for me to initiate. Instead, i knelt by the bed at the first tweak of the alarm and waited until He reached over to turn it off. He smiled at me when He awoke. The lazy type of smile One smiles when He isn't really coherent of His surroundings. Personally, when i wake, i am quite grumpy until i get my feet on my floor and get to moving. Master, however, was like a little boy with a rumpled snuggle blanket in His hands. When i felt He was awake, enough, i gave Him a run-down of all i had done to set His morning up. He thanked me and padded off to the shower.
This morning was filled with snap-to efforts to get Him off to work. There was no time for thinking or detailing the day. Master acted as if i were a common thing at His house. It felt nice to just be there. When He left, He kissed me "goodbye" and said, "you can do whatever you like today."
Once again, i felt a sense of isolation. Another day of passing the time away with my own devices. i tidied up the house, did some vacuuming, stripped the bed, washed the sheets and scrubbed the bathroom to a shine. Cleaning His house took all of about two hours and then i had six depressing hours to fill my time.
i am a professional woman. Back at home, my days are filled with computer time, taking care of my family, reading, and listening to everyone's problems and resolving it for them. i stayed so busy at home that i had little to no time to hear my own screaming mind. Yet, Master was not using me in any of these manners. So far, He had kept His emotions in check, He kept the drama swirling around Him a secret and He made no demands on me. i had no idea what was happening in the world because i was isolated from all social aspects. In other words, i was beginning to feel i was totally out of my element and had nothing to do to occupy my mind. It was only three days into my ten day visit.
i wondered around the house and tried to keep my mind idle. Every time a thought would surface, i would negate it with rational thinking (well at least it was rational to me). "Why was Master so aloof?" i rationalized that He was giving me time to become acclimated with His life. "Why was He with holding personal information of Himself such as His problems at work, His problems with His other girls, or His 'mind' or way of thinking. He isn't 'talking' to me!" i rationalized that it isn't any of my business and He is trying to keep me calm. Over and over, my mind questioned my Master's motives to His treatment of me. It seemed that when He was not interested in me, sexually, i was shut out of His attention. i grew nervous and 'tight' inside.
Over the six hour span, my mind had written the story that my Master wasn't interested in having a life with me. He was only interested in sex. He didn't want me there with Him. He was only putting up with me. i was a pest, a bother to Him. i raged inside. i gritted my teeth and told myself to be 'better'. i told myself i had pushed the visit on Him and i should have waited. i told myself i am worthless at this slave thing. i convinced myself i was making a fool of myself by trying to be something i was not.
Like a wild, starving, caged cat, i paced His home until i could stand the voices in my head no longer. i put His cordless phone in my pocket and dressed myself. I went for a walk in the parking lot. Back and forth i walked at an exhausting pace until the only thing i heard was my heartbeat.
Regardless of what is thought of me, i try to follow His directives. i was struggling with this relaxation He was forcing upon me. my methods of what i considered relaxation were unique and possibly warped to some. i am, what is labeled as, a pain slut. When things get so emotionally bottled in my mind and i cannot get past something, i am so used to bringing pain into the equation with masturbation. Master had forbade pain in my daily masturbation schedule. By taking away that outlet, He had bound me to find alternative means. i was so scared to even touch myself at His house without His approval. He had not said i could not, i just felt like i was stealing from Him if i masturbated. i also thought if i told Him my secret desire to be physically tortured, He would not desire me anymore. In my mind, it was all about making Him love me before i let this whole fucked up way of thinking come into the picture.
i came back inside Master's house and went to the computer. Like a breath of fresh air, my sister came online to me and gave me a good dose of problems to focus on. Bless her for not knowing i am addicted to fixing things. As i sat there and got filled with her problems, my problems disappeared deep inside of me and i shut the door to the voices in my own head. i am considered smart, strong, and completely capable of handling everything where my family is concerned. When they dump their problems in my lap, i am like a fanatic with a jigsaw puzzle putting the pieces into place for them. It consumes me. It takes the focus off of myself.
Master is a polyamorous Man. As i am accepting of this lifestyle, myself, i have nor have i ever had a problem with Him having other girls. Two of the other girls are my friends. i would even consider them my sisters. They both came online to me and i did the same thing with them that i had done with my own sister. i listened to their problems and even inserted some of my own warped thinking into their behavior in an effort to 'help' them. i put myself into emotional overload. It was intoxicating. But as always, when a junkie overdoses, damage is done.
By the time my poor Master arrived back home that night, i was no longer submissive. i was full Domme. While i was naked, as a slave, i had cooked for Him, as a slave, and i had cleaned His house, as a slave, i was no longer mentally His. i had stood up. i had no idea that i had switched on Him. He felt it. i know He did. i have come to realize that a dominant person can sense another dominant person a mile away. Either you become friends and have things in common, or you stay the hell away from them. Unfortunately my dominant side is not one to befriend. She is cold and hard with her emotions. She is controlled and micromanaging. She is always right no matter what the facts present unless someone can prove to her she is wrong. Then and only then will she stand down. She is the one who comes out when perceived pain is too much for the weak side of herself to handle. Tonight, she was full throttle. i had no idea this was what it was. i had transformed and didn't know it.
Master was silent this night. He said, "I'm tired. I had a long day. I am going to go online and play some poker. you can read, watch t.v. or go chat online for while. I just need some alone time."
While i knelt for Him and did all of things i knew, as a slave, i should be doing, my mind was steady bitching me out for being so weak and such a failure. i went to Master's room and sat there trying to focus on reading a book. The words on the page moved around like some kind of Ouija board. It wasn't bad enough my Master leaves me home for 8 hours a day, alone and bored out of my mind. But to come home and sequester me to my room like a little girl was too much to handle. i gritted my teeth and stomped into the living room where He was peacefully playing His cards.
"Do You not want me here?" i broke into His silence.
"What?" He looked at me as if i had thrown a glass of water on Him.
"Do You not want me here? Do You not love me and want me here? Because if You are second guessing Your decisions to have me here, i can just go to a hotel for the remainder of my stay and not be a bother to You anymore." Anyone else would have said to pack my bags. i was being a complete bitch.
"you need to calm down, girl. Where did that come from? If I didn't want you here in My house, I would not have allowed you to make the trip. I also would not have kept talking to you as long as I have and I would not put up with your bullshit. I told you I had a hard night at work. I'm sorry if you didn't have a good day. But, I am going to finish relaxing and then I will have this conversation with you. Go to your room and when I am feeling better, I will come get you and W/we can talk," He ordered. The fire in His eyes was not to be ignored. Something in His demeanor and His voice said it was definitely not a battle i should tackle. In the snap of His fingers, my Domme had been pushed down and my slave took back over and pulled her to the bedroom.
Then the real battle ensued. "Have you lost your fucking mind, you stupid Bitch?" my slave screamed at my Domme.
"He is ignoring me," she spat at me indignantly.
"He had a hard day at work! You lost your freaking mind in a fit of panic. You have no right to slap at Him!"
i cried at the injustice i had thrown at my Master. i was ashamed and heartbroken. i must admit, things were not as i had imagined them to be. i was disappointed because i expected Him to take me completely and really make me settle down inside. i wanted to be His slave and to be a slave to me, meant i was used in every way He desired. It meant He detailed my time for me. It also meant He should be teaching me something! Maybe this was my way of testing His love for me. Maybe i just felt this was all i deserved, to be fucked, used, and then dumped. At that very moment, it didn't matter, i was terrified that i had stepped over an invisible line that i had no right stepping over.
An hour passed, then two. i sat in the darkened room, silently waiting the guillotine i had set up for my Master. He called to me and i went back to the living room and sat at the kitchen table, a good distance from Him. i was shaking inside because as the slave in me was watching through the Domme's eyes, she knew she deserved to be dealt with firmly and made to pack her bags and to leave His presence for good. Maybe she even hoped He 'would' snap to attention and do something to give her retribution against herself for sabatoging things. she resigned to sit back in the darkness and let the Domme clean up the mess she had created.
Master studied my face, sternly, for a few silent moments. Then He said, "What are you thinking?"
"i am thinking that i made a mistake in thinking i could be this slave creature You desire. That maybe i might have made a mistake in thinking i could be something i clearly am not," i spoke with confidence but was dying inside. The slave in me cowered back into the darkness and squeezed my heart with strength i didn't know she possessed and caused me great pain.
"It is too late to second guess your decision, girl, you are already here. I took time out of my schedule to allow you to come to Me. I let you into my home and I trusted you to take care of Me," He spoke fluently and without pause. "What makes you think I don't want you?"
i told Master about my day inside of my head. i even confessed to going so far as to call a hotel nearby to alleviate my burden from Him because i didn't think He wanted me there. When i finished, hot tears were flowing down my face and i was ashamed, fearful and felt drained of all energy that had punished me all day.
Master moved with the speed and agility of a Panther. Before i could take a breath, He had me by my hair and was holding my head back as i stared up into His black eyes that held fire. He snatched me up to Him and wrapped His arms around me. my body came alive and betrayed me. Primal want and need filled me. my slave side came running to the surface and shoved the Domme away and screamed at her, "This is MINE!"
Master crushed my lips under His and twisted my already crushed breast with a free hand. In a dizzy, spinning daze, i parted my legs and brought one up to the chair where i had been sitting. His hand cupped my womanhood and squeezed it until i thought i would pass out from sheer friction of His touch. He broke His kiss from me and snarled at me with fire in His eyes, "I want you, dammit. I love you. But you have got to learn to be still and relax for U/us to work."
Master drug me to the bedroom by my arm and slung me on to the bed. A Man with a mission, He tore His clothes off. Panting i slid over on the bed and cowered against the wall. He jumped onto the bed and pinned me between the wall and His body as He assaulted me with brutal kisses. He did not ask me for anything. He took what He wanted. my body lit up like the fourth of July as He bit me, clawed at me, and fucked me. The slave in me was in heaven. the Domme in me was hiding.
Master wrapped His arms around me after He orgasmed and He held me against Him, B/both our bodies covered in sweat. "If I didn't want you, girl, would I waste my time on showing you how much I do want you?"
Ashamed, i said, "No, Master."
i turned my head to Him, with tears in my eyes and whispered, "i love You so much, Master. i do not know why i let my mind run away with me. i feel foreign and uncertain lately. Something is happening inside of me and i can't figure it out. i do not want to lose You because i am so fucked up."
"Then fix it," He sighed against my hair.
"Ahh," the Domme in me sighed quietly. He had just given the Domme a directive. Now it was on.
Both Domme and slave lay with Master that night. His ferocious "taking" of His slave had rendered her utterly satisfied. The Domme inched her way to the surface and dared to kiss Him without asking. He responded by wrapping her softly in His arms and kissed her as tentatively and tenderly as she moved with Him. Her hand stroked down His stomach and cupped His manhood as He let out a 'hiss' into her ear, "Yessss, My love."
She slithered her way down His chest to His nipples and nibbled at them gently. Master's hand cupped her head and wrapped His fingers through the long blond tendrils. Confidence seeped from her as she expertly moved her hands further down on Him and held His stiffening cock between her tiny fingers. She kissed Him down to His belly button and flicked a tongue into His navel. She glanced up at Him, giggled softly and was rewarded with His smile. Then she slipped between His legs and took what He allowed her to take. When her grip became too tight, He guided her through the hair He held firmly in His hands. Several times, He whispered into the dark, "Easy, girl...." Like a hungry kitten suckling milk from its mother's tit, she sucked and pawed her Master.
It was calculated, it was methodical and it was sheer heaven as she created the friction that was meant to bring this Man to orgasm. She felt "free" to take her pleasures and so she did. Master did not have an orgasm. Instead, when He reached the pentacle of His desire, He threw her off of Him and flipped her over on her belly. Squealing with delights, the slave part of myself clapped and sing/sang to the Domme... "You're gonna get it!!"
The Domme part didn't care. i was too far gone in my own mind and as Master plunged His huge cock into my ass and fucked me until i was dripping cum onto the bed, i was "one" with myself. This time, when He sank His teeth into my shoulder, He held me firmly and with intent. He pounded into me while biting me and i caved under Him. i sank into an abyss and drug both Domme and submissive down with me in ecstasy. When His orgasm shot threw my bowels, B/both of U/us collapsed on the bed, breathless and spent. i curled into Him like the baby kitten He created. All of my mental confusion, gone.
W/we lay snuggled in E/each O/other's arms. Quietly, W/we talked a little about things. i suppose if i had thought about it, at the time, it was my own fault, this feeling of isolation. i wasn't exactly asking Master for any task. i wasn't giving Him any idea of what to do with me. i felt it was wrong of a slave to make her needs known because i wasn't there to bring pleasures to myself. i was there for my Master's use. Months later, as i write my story, i am seeing so many things that i could just kick myself for. The mistakes i made are obvious to me in hindsight. *sighs* Hindsight is 20/20 and there is no mistaking facts as they unfold. i am a person who has to detail everything. my Master was trying to get me to be still, mentally. i had failed Him in that task. i had failed myself. It was my first time at being a slave. i was "new" and fresh. i had ideas of how things were suppose to go and things were far from my "ideas".
As i drifted off to sleep, i resolved to just accept whatever He offered me and make it through the ten day visit. Then, when i got back home, i could assess things and decide what to do about U/us. This Man was far from the micro manageable Master i had gave myself, previously, to. He was a lot like me, in that, i felt He does things with intent and purpose. Nothing i do is without intent. i am critical, hard on myself, and very much a perfectionist. i felt a 'kinship' with my Master. i just had to find 'myself' in order to understand Him.
"I am not a sadistic Man, My slave," my Master had said to me. "I don't enjoy giving a lot of pain and when I do, I have to be in the mood to do so. I warned You, that I was not into a lot of physical torture and that you might become bored with Me and my methods." His words kept ringing in my ear. It was true there was a part of me that needed to be tortured. His methods were shaping up to be mental lessons. What did "learning to be still" mean? I was about to find out.