365 Days of Master Ch. 05byRendclaws_titechatte©
The remainder of my visit was spent in heavenly bliss. i learned to move in liquid motion with my Master's lifestyle. There was little words spoken between U/us as few words were needed. The important stuff was said, the rest was just felt. This complete sense of relaxation basically washed over me in a gradual wave. i don't know when it was actually achieved. i just know when it ended.
The last day of my visit, my Master took me to bed, the night before, and took me in every way possible. i didn't care about sleeping, myself. i live by the rule, "i will get enough sleep when i am dead." i did, however, think of Master and encouraged Him to catch a few winks before the trip to the airport. Happily, i lay beside my Master and held Him in my arms as He took a nap. Tears slipped silently from my eyes. Already, i could feel a change taking place in me. It was the first time i felt the switch come on. Over my lifetime, it just happened and i just accepted it as "me", who i am. But today, i wasn't ready for this happen and i fought it. i would not let go of this cocoon until i had to.
The feeling of doom that enveloped me was hard to keep at bay. The rational side of my brain had known this was all a temporary interlude to a rather hectic and crazy life. i just failed to make allowances for the submissive side of myself actually 'liking' the position and coming out so completely to this Man. While i had known i would let a little go for Him, the whole bait and hook theory, i had never had plans of completely letting Him see all of me as He had done. i was ashamed that i was such a fucked up girl for my Master. There was, already, so much to do when i returned home. Having this extra 'find yourself' burden lay at my feet, only added to my tension that was rising in back breaking strengths.
Soon, life's necessity would force this little slave to return to the dank, dark, dungeon from whence she immerged so that the dominant side could "take care of business" as i had always done. It was sad for me on a multitude of levels. i enjoyed seeing this carefree side of myself. i enjoyed being stress free for a little while. i actually felt like i had a wonderful vacation! Something i had never allowed myself to do to this level of relaxation.
i had been told not to make a big deal out of leaving. One of Master's girls had said, "The less stress you put on Him throughout your leaving, the quicker He will bounce back. It helps Him to get through the 'drops' so He can fall back into a routine."
i took this to mean i wasn't allowed to show emotions. Maybe i read the whole thing wrong. It was the first time i ever experienced this whole part of the lifestyle. i had no idea what 'drops' were or how they felt. All i knew, was an emotional hurricane was forming and i wasn't in the least bit sure what was happening to me. And i wasn't suppose to show any emotions?
When the alarm clock chimed for Master to wake, He rose silently and got Himself ready. i sat in the middle of the bed and didn't want to move. His command to "Get ready," reverberated through me at a more primal level. i had mental arguments with myself about the necessity of returning home. A stronger part of me wanted to shuck all responsibility and stay right where i was. The more level headed part of me knew this was not a feasible solution. There were so many things that needed to be fixed, back home, before i could lay down and be this slave my Master desires. i have a baby daughter at home that needs her mother, a son who needed a bee under his bonnet to get into life, and an older daughter just weeks away from giving birth to my first grandchild. i also had living arrangements to settle. i was living in a run down trailer that was literally a money pit bleeding me dry. i had my father, who has just recently been diagnosed with a myriad of health ailments from Vietnam War that included cancer. His fear of dying and needing to make things right with his children was driving me insane because these are childhood issues that i felt i had already hashed out with him at one point. As his mind slowly slips into senility, he rehashes things out of left field sometimes and this is distressing to me because i am already so swamped with taking care of the family, that this added burden actually angers me rather than makes me feel all warm and loving to him. Then there are my Brothers and a sister, who felt because i did not have a spouse, i was the most likely candidate to give up my life to take care of dear, old, angry Dad. A lot of these things had been discussed with Master and He had said to me, "This is life, girl. you just have to take care of what you have to and know that I will be here when you get done."
Still, there was this struggle i couldn't quite put my finger on. Something was fighting me deep within. When i put on my clothes to get ready to go to the airport, i had to mentally struggle not to snatch them back off again and scream, "No, i don't wanna go!" The clothes felt heavy and stifling.
It was, as if, one part of me was a "Mother" dealing with the other part which was a petulant child. i had thought i kept this mental battle masked from Master. Later, He would tell me, He could see the battle written on my face and wanted to take me in His arms and hold me close to not let me return home, but He does not hold anyone against their will and clearly, half of me needed to return home. O/our life would have to resume online and by telephone. There was no getting around it.
"Return home, if for no one else, for your baby daughter. She needs her mother," He had told me when W/we had talked of the visit before i actually came to Him. i had known i would struggle with not wanting to go. i had let Him know ahead of time. Sometimes, though, i forget i tell my Master so much in my honesty. It's like another person said that to Him and this 'half' of me didn't mean it, so to make me do it, started to bring out a very petulant part of me that i didn't know existed.
my mind screamed, "THIS is NOT YOU!!! You cannot leave! This isn't fair. i am the "TRUE" you!" In the silence of the bedroom where my Master had taken me, many times, with love and compassion, i turned inward in an emotional battle of the wills, Domme against slave. It was the very first time i was ever completely aware of the switching inside of myself. i detached myself from both entities and listened with my own sense of rational thinking. i took into account both sides of my minds argument. While i clearly needed to return home, i clearly did not want to. i made an executive decision and sent both of the arguing entities to the back of my mind and decided to deal with this when i got home. In other words, i numbed myself to the pain. For now, i needed to be 'strong' and not fall apart for my Master. The last thing i wanted to do was make my last few moments with Him, horrible memories.
At the airport terminal, i was biting my nails and didn't realize it. Master gently took my hand and put it down by my side and whispered, "There is nothing to be nervous about, girl. This is not goodbye. W/we will see each other again in a couple of months." Master kissed me tenderly and pushed me into the line where He could not join me any longer.
i smiled weakly and slipped, yet, another mask on to try to hide my ambivalence. As i continued to stuff the pain deep inside of myself, i began to feel caged. This transformation was painful to me. i watched my Master until i entered the area where i could no longer see Him. He stood stoically there, until i disappeared. That first moment that i lost sight of Him, my heart caught in my chest and the slave in me took control again and i ran back to the doorway. Master had already turned and all i caught sight of was His back as He was leaving me. Breath caught in my throat and i gasped in fear. my heart ached with a depth i had felt little in my life. my Master was gone. i was alone again. i was going home. When my little girl saw her Master was really gone, she slumped her shoulders and slid deep within me in resignation. Once again, she felt abandoned and needed to go into the darkness to let the Domme handle the emotional crisis.
The plane ride home was filled with mental arguments between my slave and Domme self. "This is not the last time we will see Him. There will be many more visits. Just relax."
"If He really loved me, He would have stood there and seen that i came back for Him!"
"He waited until you were out of sight before He left. That tells me He does care."
"But i didn't WANT to say goodbye and He made me!"
"There are things we need to attend to at home. my daughter is about to have my first grandchild, i have a job to go back to, and my youngest child needs me at home with her."
"Always about YOU isn't it? You never let me do anything! i stay couped up in this hell while you run around fixing everything. When are you going to FIX me? i WANT HIM!!!" she screamed at me. Silently, i turned my eyes out of the window of the airplane and watched the clouds go by as the tears slid down my face. The injustices and unfairness screamed in my mind. i wanted my Master, simple as that.
By the time the plane landed in Georgia, i had tried to slam a mental door the arguments in my head. There did not seem to be any reprieve with music playing loudly in my headphones. The book i held in my lap only served to make me read the same line over and over as if it had been printed that way. In the course of the three hour flight, i had only managed to remain numb, inside, by just listening to the choreographed speeches swirling around in my head. i had locked both parts of myself in a dark room in the dungeon of my soul, in hopes that they would reach an agreement by the time the plane landed. Wishful thinking that all would just miraculously disappear was something i was good at. However, it is seldom the case.
my son-in-law and son were waiting for me when i got off the plane. Hugs were empty and greetings were strained. They seemed to want to know all about my trip. i couldn't part with a single detail for fear of losing the whole memory and at this point, i didn't want to open the door to the two fighting bitches in my mind. No, it was better to take this ride home in silence. i feigned jet lag and settled back into the seat with closed eyes. Being guys, they occupied each other and talked about 'men' stuff, leaving me to my solitude.
When we pulled up to the trailer, i had called my home for nearly three long years, i let out a sigh. i was 'home'. my boys went back to my daughter's house and i was alone at last. i had already arranged, prior to leaving, this decompression time for myself. Tonight was mine to fling stuff, scream, cry, or do whatever i needed to do in order to get myself back to normal. my children had the foresight to clean the trailer up as much as could be done in the badly repaired state it was in. i found the phone, hoping to have a lengthy conversation with my Master and then crashing into the bed.
His phone rang three times before He answered, "Hello..."
"i am home Master, i just wanted to let You know i made it home safely," i smiled into the phone because i felt the fatigue in His voice as well as heard it. i knew i had woke Him. i ached to touch His face and wipe the little bit of drool from His mouth.
"I'm glad. It will be okay, My 'tite chatte. Get some rest. W/we will talk soon." Just like that, Master had dismissed me. i would be a liar if i said i wasn't crushed. i missed Him so horribly. i needed Him even more. i still did not know how to simply 'ask' Him things. i sucked up, yet another disappointment, and said, "Yes, Master. i love You, sleep well."
He said, "I love you, too. Bye, bye." The dial tone went on forever. The dam was opened. Both Domme and slave were screaming at the top of their lungs. i hung up the phone and put my hands over my ears and screamed, "FIX IT, DAMMIT!" ... scared out of my own mind.
The battle began with both of my personalities. The slave in me, argued her case. The Domme shot her down. "That may work when you have Master beside you to protect you. But here, little lady, you have no one but yourself! There is too much to do. We cannot lay down and play all subservient. This family, these people, will eat you alive! Too many times, it has happened that i have allowed you out and been ran over, used, and manipulated. No way, no Sir, unh uhh, not gonna happen on my watch!"
Life has a way of spinning with, or without, you. The Domme was thinking, 'i had been lazy and allowed this little bitch in me to live the "good life" for awhile and a lot of things have gone undone.' The Domme in me was pissed and fed up with the whining, crying, little slave. my life had been spent trying to pacify that screaming voice. Nothing i ever did was good enough for her. If i gave her a little, she always wanted more. The very things she wanted were the very things i felt i could not give to her. my best was not good enough, so why bother at all? With the screaming slave in my mind, i threw myself into the chaos to attempt to gain some ground in sanity. The problem was, i felt nothing. i was dead again. The tears were dry, the throat was constricted, and the heart was a distant beat from my soul.
The time of caring whether my Master was fed a decent meal were done. The fifty trips to the bathroom mirror to make sure my hair was just perfect for Him when He got home, finished. The wetness between my legs, dried up. i mourned the loss. Master was mourning His own loss as well. His lack of attention to the change in me, only amplified my own castration in dealing with the pain. i resorted to the only comforts that i have known all of my life. The one thing Master has denied me, has been physical pain. i did not know His reasonings. i did not care. i needed a ventilation or my mind would explode.
Because of the distance with Master's women, He requires us to have a certain amount of orgasms daily. He calls them "Tasks". Logically, i was thinking i must do these task to regain some sense of Him. i knew i was as far from Him mentally as i was in miles, this night. Mentally, i was so exhausted from the internal arguments, that i had no idea how i would achieve this mental connection with my Master. But something in me, drove me to seek Him any way i possibly could. i ran myself a hot bath and soaked in the bathtub for over an hour, having a mental argument with myself.
"i don't want to do tasks tonight. It isn't Him and it isn't the same."
"We HAVE to do them. Master orders them! He said when we got home, i was to resume task."
"He won't know if we don't do them! Let's just leave them off tonight."
"No, He will know. i will tell Him."
i sat and listened to the argument as long as i could possibly stand it. Something snapped inside of me. There became of me, a sense of purpose. i knew what i needed. i needed to "feel" again. To hell with all of this arguing, i had had enough and it was time to take some control back. i toweled myself off and went to my bedroom, completely naked. i allowed myself to kneel as i had knelt for my Master, but it was not my Master i was kneeling for tonight. my slave needed something and i had to provide it for her. As i opened the drawer that holds all of my "dirty little secrets", i pulled out my nine inch dildo, my shackles, my clothespins, and my little devil's tawse that was a gift for me when i first came into the lifestyle. Doing some ingenuity with self bondage, i bound all of my limbs except my right hand. This hand was my Domme.
i played around lightly with the clothespins and then pinned one to each nipple. Of course, at first, it is painful. i would be a liar if i said it felt 'wonderful'. However, something in my head was ticking steadily to the front and center. It was an Enforcer. my Domme was flexing her muscles. Skillfully she pulled at my clit with just the right amount of pressure. Then with no thought, that hand found the third clothespin and slipped it effortlessly over my clit. my body cringed in the pain but my pussy opened spontaneously and fluids were dripping from me. i reached down and shoved the entire nine inch dildo deep into my pussy. The pinching from the clothespin pulled my clit taught as i buried the cock inside of me. With fluid motions, i fucked in and out of myself until i was panting for desire of more pain. The orgasms came mentally and my body just responded.
When my hand tired of the in and out motions, i tossed the soaking wet dildo to the side and grabbed the devil's tawse. A long, thick piece of leather that is split down the tip making it have devil's horns is how it gets its name, at least in my opinion. This little torture device is an intricately designed piece of equipment that will land two blows for every pop as the two ends meet on naked flesh. i started gently, at first, slapping with a calculated blow. As the friction increased and the clothespin on my clit started to burn, i intensified the spanking. As my body arched up to meet the impact of this torture, my pussy opened even wider. The tawse ripped at the clothespin until one final blow tore it from my clit and i orgasmed loudly in pain and pleasure. i screamed and tore my pussy lips apart as hot liquid jetted from my pussy.
After the orgasms subsided, i ran my hands around in the wetness and relaxed into my gentle touch. i removed first one clamp from my nipple, screamed, rubbed it softly, and relished the delicious after effect of having something tightly clamped. Always returning to my hot pussy to amplify the effect. Then, i removed the second one. Again, with the same effects. As i calmed my jittery nerves, i undid my bindings and shackles. my legs folding down, had the same effect as removing the clamps. It was painful, but again, so cathartic.
Laying there, in a pool of my own fluids, i pushed all the 'equipment' off of my bed and curled into a ball. i could feel the torture resolving my mind of all turmoil and i melted into the bed. Finally, i felt something. i wished it was a good feeling, a feeling of my Master, holding me gently until i fell asleep in His loving embrace. But it wasn't good. It was pain. All the emotional pain of yesterdays crept into my mind and stifled hot explosions of tears from me.
i had failed my Master. i had taken the 'law' into my own hands. i had beaten the slave in me to silence. she lay inside of me, sucking her thumb like a whipped puppy. There was no feeling of triumph as i lay there letting my mind wash over me with waves of emotional pain. Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life played before me like a bad movie at a cheap dollar theater. i didn't even bother to clean up my mess. i just curled into a ball and let the pain encase me as i wallowed in a vat of self pity for all the losses in my life. i was home, dammit. This was my life. Not that fairy tale from where i had just came from. i deserved nothing more. i was back in my element. i brought my hands up to my tear stained face to make sure i was not bleeding. The clear liquid on my fingers disgusted me. i wiped my hands on the bed linens and sought out the slave in me. i needed to make sure i did her no permanent mental damage. Mentally, i looked at myself. A ball of quivering mush, laying on the bed. i thought to myself, 'How pathetic, that i needed that and for what?' The little girl looked up at me with tears in her eyes and remained silent. i slammed the mental door closed, angrily.
Somewhere, in the night, sleep overcame me. It was fitful. The hell my life was in, crushed me and beat me down. There was more to life. i had found it. In Master's sterile, clean, environment, i had found a peace and tranquility that made my core ache to find it again. i felt like a drug addict that had been to rehab and gotten sober, then threw back into the streets with no protection against the dealers that would soon be knocking on the door offering me smack to ease my pain. my terror was real, not perceived. i knew the chaos my life had taken. i thought i was powerless to stop it. i had come home, to resume my previous life. Only my previous life was no longer 'good enough'! i had tasted heaven and hell no longer appealed to me. How uncomfortable it is to be 'home' and not feel 'home' anymore.