I needed the answers to those questions and I sought them out in a variety of ways and from a variety of sources. Again I made a pilgrimage to the ashram, this time staying for nearly 6 months and considering permanent residence nearby. But in a wonderfully vivid dream, Tamara came to me and changed me yet again. She spoke of the love I still had to give and the life that I could lead, the lessons yet to be learned, and the lessons of peace and kindness to bestowed upon others. Tamara explained that it would be quite some time before we were together again, but in the next life we would be husband and wife, and that true love would never escape us. She never came to me again; she had told me all that needed to be said.
After the dream I continued to cry over losing Tamara, missing terribly the intimacy and love I felt for her. The intensity of that relationship makes all others, including my 34 year marriage, pale to this day. I never fell as deeply in love with someone as I did with Tamara and I doubt I ever will. In a way, I hope I never will, reserving that highest of highs for her alone in this lifetime.
As I reflected on this situation I asked myself what was learned. The choice was mine when I got divorced to fall into depression and loneliness, or to take chances and see what happens. I took a chance with Tamara, allowing myself to feel pure and deep love for another woman, something I never imagined possible. I took a chance with Jason, brazenly propositioning a strange man 20 years younger, risking embarrassment and shame if he had rejected me, but comfortable with that as a possible outcome.
And whatever happened to Jason anyway? Well, let's just say I got tired of imagining him making love to me and I took another chance. We've been together for 3 years and I truly love him. I shared my experience with Tamara and I was right...he is a good man, loving, caring, patient, and wonderful. He cried with me, he held me close, experiencing the pain with me and helping me to deal with my grief at her loss, and helping to wash it away with his love. I deserve him. Sometimes that's a hard thing for a woman my age to say, but it's true. I deserve Jason and what's more is that my son Steve and Jason get along so well. At first that was a bit of a concern to me, and as it turns out there was no reason to be concerned at all. Life has improved and I have improved.
Despite our large age difference he is remarkably "older" than I am in some ways, which is a constant source of good-natured ribbing. Jason has asked me to marry him several times, and we may get married some day. Who knows? I couldn't have predicted the unusual turns my life took after my divorce, so I'd rather not try to predict the future. The beauty of the surprise is letting it unfold before my eyes day by day, month by month, year by year.
This life is only a small part of my story. I don't know for sure if Tamara and I knew each other in a past life, or if Jason and I knew each other 500 years ago. But if I had to guess I would say...probably.
And as for you my Tamara, my love...I will always love you best forever and ever and ever. Wait for me, my love, it won't be long. It won't be long until I hold you in my spiritual arms, kiss you with my ghostly lips, and ease my preternatural fingers through your beautiful hair. I used to cry when I held your picture, but now I smile warmly, like the first time we shared intimacy, missing you, wanting you, anxiously awaiting that moment when we can embrace and I can love you in the next life all over again. Where we had months we'll share millenia, and I will love you with the passion of a thousand burning stars, boundless, ageless, timeless. Until we meet again, my love, that special place in my soul is yours and yours alone...it waits patiently for our spiritual union to be perfected, and the connection we found for days in this lifetime will be ours forever.