tagHumor & Satire7 Signs That She’s Cheating On You

7 Signs That She’s Cheating On You

byCorpse_rider©

Your woman: Where would you be without her? An angel in human form, she's always there for you, your best interests at heart, she makes sure you're fed and looked after. She always looks her best, alluring, beautiful, delicate, gentle, compassionate, loving, and during intimate moments her touch takes you into a state of blissful ecstasy.

But, wait!

Is she really the angel she seems? – or is she a demon in disguise? whoring herself as soon as your back is turned, betraying you at every turn, abusing your trust, doing it with every guy she can sink her claws into.

Is she cheating on you?

You just need to know the signs to look for . . .

1. You've been dating for two months, she's your dream lover, pretty, vivacious, charming, intelligent, polite, thoughtful, caring, considerate, wealthy, and so on. She's recently moved in to your place. This is the woman for you. You start planning how you are going to propose, perhaps on a gondola in romantic Venice, or on top of the Eiffel Tower.

But there's a cloud on the horizon: You've started noticing some peculiarities in her behaviour; during sex she calls out another man's name, and last week you were out shopping, and when you bumped into some friends of hers, she introduced you as someone else. You keep finding empty packets of condoms around your house, but she's on the pill, and you never use condoms.

Then one day you return home from work early, you call out to her and she tells you she's up in the bedroom, but when you try and enter, the door won't open. She asks you to wait as she's brushing her hair.

Eventually, she lets you in, and you are puzzled as her hair looks pretty messy. You happen to glance out the open window, and see a semi-naked man running away from your house carrying his shoes in his hand. You point out this odd sight to your fiancé to be, but she's too busy getting dressed to be interested. You close the window, and draw the curtains to protect her modesty, and think how lucky you are to have her. She's the perfect woman.

But, wait!

Why is she always getting dressed when you come from work? Where does she get all her money from, when she has no job?

Why does she have so many gentlemen friends leaving messages on your answer phone, and arranging to visit her when you're out at work?

Why does she often go for late night walks by herself, wearing only the skimpiest of clothes?

Could it be your dream lover has a secret, something you should know before you book that trip to Venice or Paris?

Maybe it is time you asked her a few questions . . .

2. It's Monday morning, you're in your pyjamas in the kitchen sitting at the table drinking the coffee your wife's made you and waiting as she gets you your cereal. She fills your cereal bowl with Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, (your favourite) but disaster strikes as she accidentally drops the milk carton, spilling milk all over the floor. She asks you to clean it up while she pops next door to ask your thirty-something bachelor new neighbour, to borrow his. She's only got her nightie on, but that's okay, she says, as it's 'only next door'.

While she's gone, you clean up the floor, shower and dress, finish a crossword you started in the Sunday papers, finish reading that Dan Brown novel you got for Christmas, and play Call of Duty Black Ops on your X-Box.

You glance at the time. Good grief, she's been gone nearly two hours! The front door opens and she staggers in, you notice she looks out of breath, sweaty, her face is flushed, she's holding her nightie together as it has somehow got torn, and to cap it all she's forgotten to get the milk. You leave for work, disgruntled, hungry, and now two hours late.

You try and calm yourself down: It wasn't her fault, these sort of accidents happen, and she probably feels really bad about the whole thing – how could you be so selfish as to not consider her feelings? You feel really bad now. You'll make it up to her; buy her some flowers on the way home. Everything will be fine.

But, wait!

Isn't this the seventh time this has happened? Last week she spilt the cereal, the sugar, the coffee, the bread, the milk, the orange juice and the once again, the milk, and each time went next door, was gone ages, came back looked like she'd run a marathon, and without the thing she'd gone to borrow.

Perhaps there is a pattern developing here. Why does she keep having to next door all the time to borrow things?

Why, when she's there, can you hear the sound through the walls of grunting and shouts, and springs and a banging noise like a headboard hitting a wall?

Why is she always over at the neighbour's house when you get back from work? And why does your neighbour always walk about half dressed, revealing his rippled muscular torso to all and sundry?

What are causing those bite marks on your wife's breasts? Could there be some sort of connection here? Does your wife know your new neighbour better than she is letting on?

3. Your darling wife begins to suffer insomnia just after putting her make-up and jewellery on and going to bed. She gets up just after you both turn in for the night, then announces she cannot sleep, and she is going downstairs to watch some telly.

As you drift off, feeling sorry for your poor wife. You fancy hearing the front door closing softly, your car's engine starting, then driving off.

She creeps back into your bed in the morning just as you wake up. You notice she looks exhausted, smells of alcohol and cigarette smoke (even though neither of you smoke) and she is wearing her best evening dress.

Suspicious, you probe her, cleverly asking what was she watching, why she has her dress on, and why she smells of cigarette smoke. She sleepily replies; she has her dress on because she was cold, and she was watching cigar smoking Columbo on TV, which is why her clothes smell smoky.

Before you can question her more she drops off. You shrug off your suspicions and start to get ready for work.

But, wait!

Does her story really ring true?

And why is your car so low on petrol when you filled it up yesterday?

And whose is that tie and cigarette lighter on the back seat?

And what is that used condom doing stuck on the inside of the windscreen?

Think carefully – because these might be signs, she is not been completely honest about her insomnia!

4. As you are leaving for work, you notice your good lady has invited the milkman inside because there are some complex matters to resolve concerning the order.

As you drive off you see the front door beginning to close, and notice she has forgotten to tie her dressing gown cord properly and is unwittingly revealing the lingerie she put on this morning - undoubtedly embarrassing the poor milkman, who you notice is taking off his jacket and smiling politely.

The poor man has doubtless resigned himself to a long stay and will probably have to spend the whole day trying to catch up with his deliveries. You shake your head at the poor man's plight, and drive off to work.

But, wait!

Are you sure there are complex matters to resolve?

Hasn't the milk always been delivered on time and paid for promptly?

Could he be delivering more than dairy products? Perhaps there more to this than meets the eye . . .

5. The girls are having a girlie night in watching Sex in the City, and Hugh Grant films, so you and your mate decide to go the pictures to see Terminator 6: I'll be back again.

After the movie, your mate suggests it would be a laugh to head up to the local park to see if any dogging is going on.

You arrive and join a semicircle of cars, their headlights illuminating two naked girls doing it with a bunch of guys. As you look closer you see they look just like your girlfriends. After watching the girls perform the lewdest acts of wanton depravity (and getting suitably turned on by their filthy antics), you head home to tell the girlfriends about their dogging lookalikes, you can't wait to see their shocked expressions.

But when you get home, the girls aren't there, your mate's car is gone, and the Sex in the City & Hugh Grant DVDs are still in their cellophane wrappers.

You and your mate are both naturally worried, and are relieved when the girls turn up – they explain they had just popped out to buy some milk for tea. All is well, you think.

But, wait!

Why are the girls' clothes and hair so dishevelled?

Why are there muddy marks on their knees, what's that mayonnaise-like stuff in your girlfriend's hair?

And come to think, the girls don't drink tea anyway! And where's the milk they supposedly bought? Think carefully . . .

Are you sure those girls you saw at the park were just lookalikes?

Perhaps something has gone on here tonight, something the girls don't want you to know . . .

6. When surfing porn on the web, you come across film of a girl who looks remarkably like your wife. She is stark naked and having sex with four big men, doing everything from facials to golden showers.

You bookmark the film and show it to your good lady later on, remarking how similar to her the porn model looks. She dismisses this saying everyone has a lookalike. You then point out the girl in the film even has the same handmade earrings, just like the ones you gave her for your first anniversary.

She is irritated by your remark and says handmade earrings like that are very common. Then she asks you what you are doing looking at porn, and tells you, you should be ashamed of yourself and if she catches you again she'll tell your mum. Feeling guilty, you decide to drop the whole matter and forget about the whole thing.

But, wait!

Are handmade earrings like those really so common?

And why does the set in the porn film look so much like your own living room, even down to the furnishings and pictures on the wall?

And just what goes on at the amateur dramatic society your wife hosts at your home every fortnight, while you are out at work?

Perhaps it is time to start asking yourself these sort of questions. Perhaps your wife is doing something you may not approve of . . .

7. During an evening dinner with some close friends at your house, you notice your girlfriend has to make long frequent visits to the toilet, and at the same time your friend, Alan, has to nip outside for a fag leaving you to chat with his fiancé.

You get a phone call from your neighbour across the road saying she can see a man climbing up your drainpipe.

When you go and look there is nothing there, but there is also no sign of Alan outside. You shrug and return to your dinner. Later Alan and your girlfriend return, and you cannot help notice their clothes are awry and they are both looking sweaty and out of breath.

Your girlfriend apologizes explaining she had tummy trouble. You ask Alan where he has been since you could not see him outside. Alan explains he had his smoke a street away so as not to get nicotine stains on the side of your house. They both laugh when you tell them about the strange phone call from your neighbour. Everything is fine, and you go into the kitchen to get the lemon meringue dessert.

But, wait!

Didn't Alan tell you he didn't smoke?

And in the ten years you've known him he's never smoked.

And your girlfriend's tummy was fine earlier – she even said she couldn't wait for Alan to get here as she was famished.

And just what was all that moaning and yelling you heard from upstairs while they were both out of the room?

And why did your girlfriend scream: 'Oh my God! I'm coming! I'm coming!' when she was in the bathroom?

Could it be that your friend, Alan came here for more than just a meal?

Has your girlfriend taken her perfect hostess guise too far?

Perhaps you should speak to your neighbour and get a description of that strange man she saw scaling your drain pipe . . .

So there you have it, fellas: Women – they just can't trusted. Why, what do you think she's been doing while you're reading this? That's right – making out with your best friend (probably). There's only one thing you can do as a self respecting man. Go up to her – that's right, go right up to her now, and shout: I know what you've been up to you filthy little tramp, you jezebel you. Well, I'm not standing for it. It's over. I'm leaving. Goodbye and good riddance – slut!.

That'll teach her.

Look out for these future articles to help you with your love life:

*'Have you put on weight?' and other great put down lines to inflict on your loved one.

*101 great excuses why you forgot her birthday.

*50 brilliant illnesses to fake to get you out of having to do housework.

*'I'm terminally ill, darling.' and other clever lines to get her to spoil you rotten.

*'I'm leaving you for another man / your sister / your mother' and other memorable ways to end your relationship.

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by EgoTrixi02/10/14

lool...

...thanks for the good laugh - and saving my marriage. A while ago I feared my wife might be cheating on me (4 Pregnancies in 5 years even though I had been infertile since my youth. None of her "explanations"more...

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