A Boilerplate Rendering Ch. 02

Besides, I didn't want him to think that he could just scare me off that easy. In a way, showing up at the party felt like I was making a statement.

Karen was visibly excited to go...whether she saw this as an opportunity for us to bond as a couple, a way to reassure herself that she really could have her cake and eat it too, or simply a chance to spend a little sneaky time with her boyfriend, I couldn't say. I'm not sure to what degree I cared, anymore, either. But when we first arrived she stayed uncharacteristically close by, and I got the impression that she was trying to send either me or someone else a message.

I gave her a few questioning looks, but she ignored them. Right. Play innocent. But the way she kept her hands or eyes on me at all times, it had to be intentional.

The Baileys always made sure there was plenty of booze to be had at their get-togethers, and as the night wore on the combination of nerves and excitement seemed to get the better of Karen. She drank more than usual, faster than she ought to have, and it really showed. She was loose, playful, and noticeably less scared than when we arrived. By the time the sun started dipping low, she had broken boozily away from me to go and socialize.

Once that finally happened, I don't think she ever gave me a backwards glance. So I suppose the "reconnecting" theory was out the window.

It wasn't very long before I noticed that she and Carl just happened to be in the same conversational group. It wasn't super often, but it was often enough. And my insight told me that it was intended to look like the coincidence that it definitely wasn't. They never did anything to alert the unaware, but for someone already in the know it was hard to miss the way their eyes would light up when they looked at each other, or the way Karen would laugh too hard at Carl's jokes...especially when she thought no one else was paying attention.

The evening moved forward, and the drinks kept flowing. Several times, as conversations grew especially animated or laughter erupted, Carl would put his hand on Karen's shoulder or she would touch his chest. It was never quite enough to give them away, but it bruised my heart and put an unwelcome heat in my guts.

Jesus Christ, I thought. Was she kidding me? How could she be doing this right in front of everybody? What the hell was she thinking? Did she care about anything at all? Or anyone?

Somehow, I'd thought that I could hide the scope of my pain from her and still count on her reacting to it appropriately. I'd thought she would be human being enough to intuit a small measure of truth.

Clearly, I'd been wrong.

As I watched, the group they happened to be involved with dispersed and the two of them lingered together for a few moments. They talked quietly, Carl leaning in just a little too much and Karen giggling playfully...and then Karen did something that absolutely stunned me to my core.

She looked around the party, her eyes scanning the mass of her friends with a sort of arrogant mirth, and she laughed.

And that is when I finally realized what they were really up to.

They were playing a fucking game with us.

They must have talked about it beforehand...probably before I'd confronted her, although she obviously hadn't felt the need to cancel. I could just hear the scheming that must have gone on. "Let's see how far we can take pretending to be a couple in plain sight! Without anyone noticing what we're up to!" THAT'S why Karen had been careful to stay close to and stay in physical contact with me earlier...it was both a message to her partner-in-crime that it wasn't safe to start playing, yet, and a way to put me at ease so I wouldn't notice what mischief she got up to later on.

Being close to me was just a way for her to prep the game.

I sagged against the railing, suddenly very tired. My wife had used me as a prop, so that she could play a romantic game with her lover in front of our closest friends. She had used those friends like props, as well. OUR friends. We were all just toys to the two of them...just people they could get off on fooling.

I looked around the party. These were people who had been good to us over the years. Much better than Carl, I realized. Why would anyone want to treat them that way? Had Karen really changed so much in the last six months that she thought this was acceptable behavior? What had happened to her morals?

Ha. What a silly question to be asking now.

I turned back to where Karen and Carl had been standing. They were gone.

I frowned and scanned the party, hoping to find them. When that didn't work, I wandered a bit, expecting to locate them in the midst of some new conversational group. I saw nothing.

I went through again, trying not to look desperate as I hunted. Several times I had to politely decline attempts at conversation. I looked all around the backyard twice before entering the house on the excuse that I needed to use the restroom. Nothing there, either.

Then, as I walked past the living room on my way back outside, I saw them.

Through the large front-facing windows, I could see them partially obscured by the Bailey's decorative lawn foliage. Karen was leaned up against a tree, and Carl had one hand on the tree above her head as he leaned forward. They were talking, or rather he was talking and she was wrapped up in his every word. Then his expression changed, becoming more seductively charged, and he leaned in closer.

As I watched, they shared a long and tender kiss...a loving kiss. A gentle and horrifically intimate kiss. And before he could straighten himself back up, she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deeper, more sensual follow-up. Their tongues probed each other's mouths as he reached up and stroked her cheek with his thumb. Finally, they parted, she said something to him, and he nodded.

In spite of everything else I had seen and heard...the words they shared when they were together, the intensity of their lovemaking and her obvious enjoyment of it...nothing had hurt me as much as what I had just seen.

It had been so totally intimate and affectionate. When people talk about lovers becoming one, they aren't talking about sex...they're talking about exactly the kind of tender and heartfelt connection that I knew I had just seen.

My stomach turned, I ran to the bathroom, and I threw up.

I was awash with agonizing emotions. How could they still manage to hurt me so bad, after all this time? After everything I had seen and heard? The obvious answer was that, on some level, I still loved Karen in spite of everything. Once upon a time that love had been a godsend. Now it was an unending punishment, brought upon me for wrongs unknown.

But even that didn't fully explain a reaction this intense. That kiss had hit me every bit as hard as it would have, had I been totally unprepared for it. It was like discovering the betrayal all over again. It was like losing her all over again. I didn't understand-

My thoughts were interrupted as I threw up violently again.

There was a knock at the door and Tom Bailey's concerned baritone called out, "Are you alright in there?"

I winced. Great. Just what I needed. Concerned friends.

"I'm fine," I lied. "I'm...almost done."

I could hear murmuring voices through the door.

"Is that John?" A woman asked.

"Does anybody know?"

"I think it's John," she insisted.

Brad Millens jumped in. "Did I hear someone getting sick in there?"

"Alice thinks it's John," Tom explained. "He sounds strange."

"Where's Karen at?" Alice asked nervously. "Someone go get Karen."

"He was sitting with us for most of the night." Christ. That had to be Albert Burke. "I didn't think he drank that much."

"Maybe it's the flu."

"It's not really the season for it." Alice.

"He definitely didn't drink that much," Albert repeated.

Then, like a schoolyard tease from fate itself, I heard Carl's easy humor-filled voice boom out. "Well, you know some people," he quipped, "just can't handle their liquor very well."

"I'm FINE!" I immediately shouted. "I'm FINE, and I'm COMING OUT!" Standing up and flushing the toilet, I went over and rinsed my face in the sink. The voices had faded into nothingness, and after a second I heard another knock at the door. A soft knock, as touched by hesitation as any such sound can be.

"John?" it was Karen's voice, sounding concerned. "John, are you okay in there?"

I took a deep breath, biting back the answer that swelled in my chest. Then I turned, opened the door into the hallway, and looked her in the eyes.

"The girls and I are leaving," I snapped. "Right now. If you don't want to go, then don't go. I don't care. You can get your goddamn boyfriend to give you a ride, for all I give a shit."

Karen's eyes widened ever so slightly, and a little of the color left her face. A lot had to be going through her mind at that moment, not the least was that I hadn't bothered looking around to make sure we were alone before snapping at her about her boyfriend. In my anger, I could very easily have exposed her despicable little secret.

Well, don't expect an apology, bitch. You could very easily have done the same thing with your stupid little game. Hell, for all you know someone DID see you, and the gossip mill is already gearing up. So I guess you get to wonder about that, now, don't you?

She also had to realize that something must have happened to make me this angry. She knew that I could handle my liquor, she'd seen firsthand that I wasn't drinking much tonight, and she knew me well enough to be able to tell when I was stone cold furious.

So I thought it was very telling that she didn't ask what was wrong, or pretend to get upset at me. I suppose she just didn't want to know the truth. "I...let me just...get my purse..." she stammered. "I'll be right back. Don't go without me!" Then she scurried off in the direction of the party.

For a moment after she left, the house was empty. I suppose everyone had cleared out in an attempt to give me some privacy as I recovered from my supposed over-drinking.

I fumbled in my pockets for the car keys, walking out into the main living area and trying to calm down. Looking out the patio door, I could see Karen grab her purse off the table where she'd left it and call a spattering of apologetic goodbyes to people she'd just been laughing at as she hurried past. Carl came up, trying to look nonchalant and for once failing miserably, and said something to her as she went by. A short conversation between the two lovers followed, with Carl looking slightly concerned and Karen betraying substantial agitation...a bitter agitation, which caused her to become more and more animated as she talked. Her face was red, her eyes wide, and she was making lots of motions with her hands. If I didn't know better, I would almost say I was watching a little lover's spat.

Finally, nerves drew Carl dangerously close to her and he said something under his breath. Her shoulders jerked upwards, almost to her ears, and she stole glances around the party, possibly checking the other guests for signs of awareness. None of them seemed to have noticed the obvious. She looked back at Carl, stepped back, and he said something else to her that made her shake her head. He kept talking. She shook her head again. He stepped close once more, this time giving her "hurt puppy dog" eyes, and spoke one last time. She paused, gave the tiniest of nods, and turned to go. I watched him watching her go, noting the cocky half-smile that appeared as soon as she turned her back, and did my best to hold my fury in check.

The drive home was silent. Karen was looking out the side window, almost completely expressionless. I wondered what she was thinking. Was she embarrassed by her own behavior? Scared that she might have taken things too far? Mad at me for having ruined all her fun? Mad at Carl for pushing her into a game that she now regretted? Maybe just glad that she'd gotten to have her fun, and to hell with the rest of it?

For all I knew, she wasn't thinking about me at all. And maybe that was fine by me.

When we got home, the kids ran downstairs to play video games and Karen yanked an already-opened bottle of Chardonnay out of the fridge. She glanced at me as she went to the cupboard, probably wondering if she should get me a glass, but I went straight to the master bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the shower, let it warm up, then stepped in and just stood there.

I didn't think. I didn't feel. I didn't imagine or dream or wish or anything at all.

I just let the water roll over me, the same way that I hoped the rest of this would do someday.

I let roll over me and then down the drain, never to be worried over again.

--==--

CHAPTER FOUR

--==--

Karen did apologize to me the next day, although it was a brief and unspecific sort of "I'm sorry." It was obvious she didn't want to get into the details, even to find out exactly what I'd seen or figured out. Typical cheater mentality: she was glossing over and reducing the terribleness of her behaviour at the exact same moment that she was making herself feel better by acting apologetic.

After a few minutes of forced small talk, and a few awkward silences, she tentatively suggested that "maybe we'd all feel better after our zoo trip tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I tilted my head, feigning surprise. "We're not going tomorrow."

"Of course we are. We-"

"You've got your days mixed up, Karen. It's Saturday. We're going today."

"No," she drew out patiently, looked at me sideways. "We're going Sunday. We talked about this."

I shook my head in mock exasperation. "Jesus Christ. What are you even talking about? We planned the zoo for Saturday, Karen! Today! We said it over and over again! Don't you remember?"

She blinked, eyes darting about as she calculated internally. She looked so nervously lost I almost broke into a smile.

What's the matter? Does it make it hard to juggle two lives when you can't control the one?

The truth was, she actually had it right. We had indeed chosen Sunday when we discussed the trip earlier that week. But the more I thought about her little stunt at the party, and especially that kiss, the less interest I had in being around her. So I had talked to the girls about it while I was getting them tucked into bed the night before, telling them that if they were good we could go to the zoo a day early.

Karen was looking determined, now. "You've got it wrong," she insisted. "I'm sure we said Sunday."

I studied her a moment, letting my irritation with her recent behaviours show nakedly on my face so they could be mistranslated as annoyance with this silly bit of forgetfulness. Then I turned and yelled into the living room. "Hey, girls! What are we doing today?"

"We're going to the zoo!!" They both shouted back in gleeful unison.

I turned back to Karen with a tired expression. "See?" I said. "Today. Even the girls know it. So give up the bullshit. Anyway, I don't see why it matters. It's just a one-day difference. It's no big deal, right?"

She looked embarrassed. "Actually," she drew the word out, "I sort of...have plans for today."

I somehow managed to look surprised. No shit, bitch. I watched you make them, right in front of everyone at a goddamn party thrown by our friends. Or do you still think you're so much smarter than the rest of us that nobody picks up on that stuff?

But I kept my eyebrows up in an imitation of disappointed surprise.

Needless to say, I was actually relieved. While that little exchange between her and Carl had been pretty obvious, and I'd been confident that they had made arrangements of some sort, there was always the risk of miscalculation. For all I knew, those plans could have been for Monday. Or for something they were doing next weekend. Or a goddamned month from now. All I'd had to go on was the certainty that they were, without question, making plans. I'd banked on the hope that they would be for sometime soon.

From what I'd seen through the window, I'd pictured it going something like this:

"Are we still on for tomorrow?"

"I don't know, Carl. He's pretty angry. Maybe I should-"

"Don't do that. This was his choice. He gave you permission."

Reluctance. Or maybe just guilt. "I shouldn't."

Puppy dog eyes. "You're hurting my feelings, baby."

"Okay." A pause. "Okay. I'll be there."

And then she'd left.

Maybe that wasn't the exact wording, but I knew what I'd seen: an arrangement, being confirmed and upheld. And frankly, I was counting on her seeing that arrangement through. The last thing I wanted to do was spend a day walking next to her, talking to her and sharing my life with her. I didn't want to be anywhere near where she might be...and if that meant she had to be with him, so be it.

She shifted her weight. She was still waiting for a response, and probably expecting anger. Better make it count.

It's not like I have to fake being angry at her, now, is it?

"'Plans?'" I growled with a shake of my head. "You've got to be fucking kidding me, Karen! Yesterday's disgusting games weren't enough for the two of you? You can't commit ONE day to your family before running off again to get yours?"

She reacted with irritation. "This was YOUR idea. I'm just playing by YOUR rules." Ahh. So he WAS pushing that on her. It wasn't the type of argument she would have come to on her own...but it sure did sound like something Carl would say. "Anyway," she sniffed irritably, "it's only one day. The girls will understand."

"They won't have to," I snapped. "Because WE are going to the zoo, with or without YOU."

"Don't you dare!" she gasped. "Those are my children, too! You're not going to start-"

"You're right!" I interrupted. "I'm NOT going to start! I'm not going to start changing plans! I'm not going to start reducing family time! I'm not going to start living my life around your fucking sins."

"MY WHAT?!" She glared at me. "Look, mister...if you didn't get your jollies off the idea of me-"

I leapt to my feet, and she retreated with a gasp. To be honest, I think she was already cutting off the sentence with a look of horror before I even began to move. So I'll give her credit for that, at least. She may have been far enough gone to be boiling over with disrespect for me...but she wasn't so far gone that that fact didn't shame her just a little bit.

For a second we both looked at each other, both angry, neither sure what is supposed to happen next in this kind of a confrontation. Then the arrogance won out, her mouth twisted, and she spat, "Fine. Have it your way. You want to spend a day playing mommy while I make an afternoon of fucking Carl's brains out, that's fine by me. The girls and I can just go do something fun when I pick them up from school tomorrow." She half turned away, throwing a darkly confident look at me over her shoulder. "With. Out. You." And then she stormed off.

I shook my head, trying not to feel hurt. This was what I wanted, right? To get her away from me? To give myself a little peace and quiet? Maybe even forget about my problems for a while, and enjoy some time with my children?

So why did victory feel every bit as empty and crushing as defeat?

I went in and told the girls that mom wasn't going to be able to make it to the zoo, but that we could go as soon as they got dressed and brushed their teeth. Since this didn't really affect their ability to claim the prize, it didn't earn much in the way of response. They just pretended to pout about Mommy for half a second, then ran off to get themselves ready. I had to smile a little bit. Such simple wants.

Then I sat down to read the paper while I waited. I didn't see or hear anything of Karen during any of this. For all I knew, she'd gathered up her things and slipped out of the house right after our fight. The thought that she might already be gone, and that I wouldn't have to actually watch her go, brought a weary kind of comfort. At least I wouldn't have to hear that fucking "Bye, Dad," joke again.