A Boss, A Mentor, A Lover Ch. 05

"Holy shit! Ho-Hos, Coffee Cakes, Twinkies, Sno Balls... nice haul, Sterling! Breakfast of champions!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know the best, Stillman," she replied laughing, "you're traveling with a pro here." She hooked her hand into the "oh shit handle" in the backseat and swung her head into the car smiling. I leaned forward and for a split second we both leaned in to kiss each other. Then just as quickly we realized Myers was in the front seat fiddling with his iPod, so we caught ourselves and backed away from one another, somewhat awkwardly. I couldn't believe how comfortable and affectionate we'd grown toward each other. We had almost just lost our heads.

Myers turned and looked in the backseat. "No way, throw me up a Twinkie, dude!" Carrie and I made eye contact and chuckled. I gave Myers his coffee and Twinkie, Carrie jumped in the front seat, and we were on our way. The ride home was pleasant. We reminisced about our job well done, and Carrie totally made fun of Myers when he told the story about his night on the town. She poked holes in every facet of his story until finally he admitted that he didn't really score with a college girl.

"I totally could have though," he protested. "I was talking to a bunch of girls. If I'd had a wingman I could have landed one! Too bad Jim was such a pussy and had to get his beauty sleep." This surprised Carrie. She raised her eyebrows and turned to look at me in the backseat.

"So you wussed out, huh, Stillman?" she asked, smirking at me with a twinkle in her eye. "Not cool enough to go out and score some chicks with Will?"

Myers laughed thinking Carrie was busting my balls. Little did he know she was actually joking about something much different. I let him have his little moment.

"I guess I'm just not that good with women, what can I say?" I said with mock shame in my voice. Carrie locked my eyes with hers and gave me a meaningful, deep look.

"Well, don't give up, Jim," she said smirking once again, "I think there may still be hope for you yet." I returned her smirk and bit my tongue, causing her to giggle. Oblivious to the humor of the situation, Myers just snorted.

"Ha! Nah, he's just a pussy," Myers blurted out, "don't go all easy on him, Carrie. You busted my balls hard, now bust his too." At this, Carrie laughed out loud. I did too but I tried to contain myself. She looked back at me again.

"No, Stillman doesn't want me busting his balls," she said, lowering her eyes to my crotch seductively as she said it.

"I can take it," I retorted, "I'm a big boy." Again she laughed out loud and bit her lower lip looking at me. But Myers changed the subject a moment later as he began recounting a "true" story about another one of his conquests. So the rest of the trip went. We were all pleasantly joking around and happy.

When we arrived back at the office, we unloaded the car and put our luggage in our respective vehicles. We walked into the building and Myers split off toward his desk. Carrie and I paused together. "Well, I'll see you soon, Sterling," I said, not knowing quite what to say.

"Yeah, see you soon, Stillman," she replied reaching her hand out. I shook her hand in a business-like way, but I held it a second longer than I should have, grazing her fingertips with mine. She smiled.

As I turned to walk away, I whispered, "I'll miss you."

I barely heard her say as she turned, "I'll miss you too."

I made my way to my desk and started working. It wasn't easy at all. I was completely distracted. It was the same way the next day. And the day after that. In fact, the entire week was pretty much a waste; I got next to nothing done. It was early the next week that I realized I had to do something. Carrie was all I thought about, and I couldn't stay this unproductive and fixated forever. By that point I would have preferred to have her tell me to let it all go then to be stuck in this limbo, this in-between state where we knew we cared about one another but had never defined what we were meant to be to each other. It was gnawing at me. All of a sudden I knew I had to do something. But what? I couldn't march into her office. I couldn't request a meeting with her. So what to do?

Then it dawned on me. I had her cell number saved in my phone from when she had sent me a txt message. I could send her a message and go for broke. She had set up the rules during our night together. She had wanted me to be her master, to lose herself in submission and give her trust over completely to me. Maybe she would do it again.

I checked her schedule for the day and found that she had an hour free in the afternoon. I wasn't sure my plan would work. It was possible she saw our affair as a mistake, that she wished I'd leave her alone and let her forget what we'd done. But at the same time I longed for her, and I worried about her situation.

Summoning all my courage I typed the txt message to her. "Master has not forgotten his slave. U have free time today @ 3. U will meet me at Holiday Inn on Fairmount Blvd. I will send room #." It took all my strength to hit the send key. As I did, I exhaled. It may have been a huge mistake, but I had laid my cards on the table. Minutes seemed like hours as I awaited her response. Or would she even respond? Would she just ignore me to let me know whatever we had was over? After about an hour and a half of excruciating waiting, finally my cell phone buzzed on my desk. I looked down and saw that it was Carrie's number. This was the moment of truth. Would she shoot me down? Tell me to leave her alone and end this exquisite attraction that we shared? I picked the phone up agonizingly slowly, torturing myself. I was afraid to know what the message held. I didn't want her to be out of my life. Again I summoned my strength and clicked the message open.

"Whatever you say, master," it read simply. I exhaled in relief. She did still care about me! My heart raced in my chest. Once again I was distracted but this time for a much better reason. I practically counted the minutes until our afternoon meeting.

I left work at 2:45 and made the quick drive over to the hotel. I rented a room and sent a message to Carrie with the room number. I propped the door open just slightly so that she wasn't locked out, then sat on the bed waiting anxiously for her. My heart beat rapidly but I tried to stay calm. Finally, several minutes later there was a light knock on the door and it swung slowly open. I stood up from the bed as Carrie entered the room. "Hi," I said softly, barely more than a whisper.

She stood still at the doorway for a moment, then stepped into the room and let the door swing shut on its hinges. She looked into my eyes for a single beat, the air thick between us. "What took you so fucking long?" she said quickly, then crossed the room in three quick steps and threw herself into my arms. I ran my hand into the hair on the back of her head and pulled her mouth onto mine. We kissed passionately for several minutes before she pushed me backward onto the bed. She jumped on top of me and stripped off her jacket, tossing it aside. Within seconds we were dry-humping each other furiously, our pent-up desire erupting out of us uncontrollably.

We fucked each other like animals that day, barely even undressing ourselves in our eagerness. And so began our routine. Once or twice a week for the next three months I would send Carrie a txt telling her to meet me at various hotels. I always checked her schedule to make sure she had free time, and she always wanted to see me when I asked. It wasn't always sex. Sometimes we would talk, and she would tell me things she said only I would understand. Things about work or about life in general. Sometimes we'd just hold each other and take a quick nap as a release from the stressful day. Sometimes one of us would just please the other for fun, with our hands or mouths. It was an arrangement without rules, where we simply enjoyed one another's company in any way we pleased.

Then one day in our third month of meeting up, the company had a bit of a setback. One of our major clients was dropping us for one of our competitors. Carrie had assigned the client to a couple of people on her team that were very competent, but somewhere along the line they had dropped the ball. It wasn't clear how much of the blame would fall on Carrie, but it was a tense time. I hadn't talked to her since the fallout happened, and one day word came around that several members from way up in corporate were coming to meet with her. I checked her schedule that day and saw that she had a long meeting booked in the morning. I sent her a txt that read, "Know u have a big meeting this am, if u can and want to I can meet in pm." After just a few minutes her reply came through, "Yes, pls."

I booked the hotel room and sent the room number to her phone. She never replied back so I feared maybe she wouldn't come. But true to form, she came through the door just minutes after our scheduled meeting time. Her shoulders were somewhat slumped but otherwise she looked ok. I met her at the door and hugged her. "You wanna talk about it or no? It's up to you," I said.

She gave me her patented half-smile. "It's ok, Jim. I mean, they're not happy. Shit, I'm not happy. But they're not blaming me."

"Oh, well good," I replied. "That's... a relief." I kissed her forehead.

"You were really worried?"

"Well, yeah. I know how much pride you put into your job. I didn't want to see you take a hit on this."

"That's sweet, Jim." She raised herself onto her tiptoes and kissed me softly.

"Don't start with that sweet shit again," I joked. She laughed. "You gotta be pretty pissed though, huh?"

"Yes," she replied in a short and almost venomous tone. "I specifically told Neely and Tompkins to bend over backwards for this client, and to keep me in the loop about everything. But did they? Nooooooo. They decide to keep things to themselves and play it cool, so this is what happens! I'm left dangling in the wind for them. Dammit!" She ran her fingers through her hair in exasperation. I took her by the waist and guided her to the bed.

"Come here," I said gently, "have a seat and relax." She sat on the bed and I sat down behind her. I removed her suit jacket and began to massage her shoulders. "Listen," I told her, "vent if you want to vent or don't if you don't want to. I know this morning had to be trying for you."

"Thanks, Jim," she said softly, leaning back into me as I massaged her. She then told me the details of what had gone down. At times she got heated, but for the most part she was just getting everything off her chest. I was glad that the bigwigs weren't blaming her. They chewed her out a little bit and told her to keep a shorter leash on her team. That wasn't really Carrie's style but all in all it wasn't such a bad thing. She'd just have to be more aware in the future.

After several minutes she began to relax and the tension began seeping out of her muscles. She closed her eyes and moaned contentedly as I massaged her. A few minutes later, out of the blue she said, "Ya know something, Paul didn't even know I was having that meeting this morning."

I didn't know how to respond to that. "Why not?" I asked.

"Well, I tried telling him the story the other day, but he changed the subject to something going on in his little political world. It was pretty clear he wasn't paying a bit of attention to what I was saying. So I just didn't bother explaining."

I didn't stop massaging her. I also didn't speak. There was nothing I could say to that. Here I was doing anything I could to spend mere minutes with this woman, and every minute I spent with her was the highlight of my week. And he had her there with him every night, and he just didn't care. The thought angered me. He had all this time to be with her, and enjoy her, and he simply didn't give a fuck. I was lost in this thought when suddenly Carrie shifted her weight and lay back onto the bed. She smiled at me as she did so and I just smiled back, admiring her from above. Then she lifted her legs slightly onto the bed, and slowly, seductively, hiked her skirt up. When the hem of the skirt rose to the top of her thighs, she slowly spread her legs and revealed her sex to me.

She wore a pair of blue and green striped cotton panties. They were incredibly cute. Most of the time she opted for sexy lingerie, silky and seductive, but these were simple and lovely. They had a very "girl next door" quality about them, and as soon as I saw them I looked up at her and smiled.

"They're my lucky panties," she said, blushing slightly. "I've had them for way longer than I'd like to admit. But I kinda thought I might need them today." She bit her lip after she said this, expecting me to poke fun at her. But that wasn't my intention at all. Seeing her in her lucky panties just further humanized her for me. It told me she had a vulnerable side, and I liked that she was willing to show it to me.

Instead of making fun, I smiled at her. Then I took the hint and lowered my head slowly into her crotch, not breaking eye contact for a moment, and kissed her warm mound through her lucky panties. She groaned loudly and I could smell and taste her wetness through the panties. I reached up and pushed the crotch of her underwear to one side so that I could lick her bare pussy. And that was how we spent that meeting time. I ate her out, slowly, deliberately, and passionately, until she came for me with an explosive orgasm. My sole wish was to please her, thoroughly and completely.

After she came she said, "God, that was just what I needed, Jim."

"I thought so," I replied. "You had a rough day; I hope that helped make it a little better."

"You have no idea," she whispered. I held her for a few minutes after her orgasm. She would have to return to the office soon, but I wished we could have longer together. I buried my face in her hair and inhaled the sweet fragrance of her shampoo. I cherished every second I spent with her. After a few minutes, she sat up and kissed me softly on the mouth.

"I gotta go, sweetie," she said softly.

"I know. Have a good rest of the day," I said as I smoothed her hair behind her ear. She smiled and stood up off the bed. She put her jacket on and headed to the door. She turned the handle, opened the door a few feet, then stopped. She was silhouetted in the door frame by the bright lights in the hall outside. She turned her head halfway back toward me, and said simply, in a calm and even voice, "I love you." Then she turned and looked me in the eye for a split second, and walked out the door.

The air in the room felt still as the door swung closed behind her. I sat on the bed for several minutes, my heart pounding. I knew everything had just changed. And I knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I loved her too. I had for a very long time, but I could never be honest with myself. I chose to have her any way I could, but I knew deep down inside that it wouldn't be enough. I was in love with a woman married to another man. And now, as the reality of my love for her sprang out of me, I feared I would never truly have her.

I made my way back to work and finished the afternoon in a trance. I went to bed early that night without eating dinner. I had no idea what to do next.

The following day I made up my mind. Honesty, pure and simple. I cared about and respected her too much not to give her that. So I sent her a txt message. "Please meet me today. No games. No master. No slave. Just want to talk to you."

After a few minutes came the reply, "Of course." I waited anxiously in the hotel room that afternoon. I was always anxious with anticipation as I awaited her arrival, but usually it was from excitement. This time, it was fear. Not because I feared what she would say, only because I feared this might be the last time I would ever be alone with her. The thought weighed on my heart like an anchor.

She walked into the room slowly, like she always did. She gave me a weak smile, as though she too had feared this moment. I stood and went to her. "Listen, Carrie, just let me talk for a second, ok?" I asked.

"Ok," she whispered back.

"Ok..." I paused not knowing how to begin. Several times I started but then something kept holding me back. Courage, I needed courage. Finally I looked into her eyes and her beauty stilled me. I knew what I had to say. "Ok, I'm just going to be honest with you, because that's all I've ever been."

She nodded.

"I love you, Carrie. I have for a long time. I thought I could be strong and not fall for you but now I realize I was a fool for ever thinking I could do that."

"Oh Jim," she whispered.

"Hang on, I gotta get through this," I interrupted. "So I just want you to know that, above and beyond everything else. I love you. I love you because you're the most amazing woman I've ever known. You're smart, you're funny, you're crazy, you're sexy, you're gorgeous, you're just... amazing, Carrie."

She laughed and bit her lower lip.

"And I just want you to be happy. So I'm going to leave you alone. I'm going to give you whatever space you need to live your life the way you want to. Because if I left it up to myself, so help me god I'd sweep you up right now and take you away from here, somewhere far away and just keep you to myself forever. But I can't do that. I have to let you go so you can do what you need to... whatever makes you happy."

A single tear welled up in Carrie's eye. "What if what makes me happy is you?" she asked in barely more than a whisper.

"I don't know," I replied, "but I know it's up to you now. I'm letting you go. I have to. But before I do, I just have to say one more thing. Don't ever settle, Carrie. Don't ever compromise anything that makes you who you are. Because who you are is an incredible person. And I don't ever want to see you sacrifice that. Not one little bit."

I pulled her into me and kissed her forehead. When I stepped back, the tear trickled out of her eye and ran down her cheek. I hated seeing it. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be. Thank you, Jim. Thank you... for everything." She lowered her head, unable to look me in the eye. "I'm sorry," she said back to me and took a step toward the door.

"Please don't be either," I said. "I have cherished every minute I've spent with you, Carrie. And I always will." After I said this she reached her hand out to me. I took it. Still she was looking straight down, refusing to look at me. She squeezed my hand then let it go suddenly. She paused for a moment, then looked me in the eyes. Tears had welled in her eyes, and my heart broke seeing them. But after a single moment, she turned and opened the door. My heart sank when she stepped through it, and let it close behind her.

I stood in the middle of that hotel room for almost an hour in shock, refusing to believe what I'd just given up. But I knew it was for the best. I could have fought for her, could have pleaded, begged, yelled, demanded. But what good would that have done? I had to let her go and I did, even though it was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do in my life. After a while I steeled my nerves and went back to the office.

In the weeks and months that followed, I finally got my strength back and became a creative force once again at work. It wasn't easy though. I had to watch the woman of my dreams walk away from me, and the image of that door closing her from me was permanently etched into my mind. It took a terrible toll on my heart, but in the end it made me stronger.

It would be quite some time before I saw Carrie again. We went our separate ways and gave one another space. I would see her on occasion in the halls and we would nod pleasantly to one another, disguising our feelings. After some time, we could even smile at each other and wave.