A Broken Heart Ch. 05bycellophanesmile©
"Everything is okay, baby," Heidi whispered to her son, "Time to go back to bed." She lifted him up into her arms and kissed his head.
"Where's Ben?" Fitz asked, eyeing the strange man as his mother carried him into his room.
"He went home. Try to go back to sleep sweetheart," Heidi laid him back down and pulled up the covers.
"I'm not tired," the little boy protested.
"Then just lay there and close your eyes, okay? I'll come in and check on you in a couple of minutes."
Fitz closed his eyes. Heidi stared down at her son with all the love in her heart. She had ruined everything, if only she had told Jake the truth from the beginning.
"I'm not sleeping," Fitz reminded her when she turned of his light and quietly shut the door behind her.
In the living room, Jake was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. "He's mine," he said when he heard her come back into the room. It wasn't a question.
"Yes," Heidi said weakly.
Jake looked up at her. "And who was that guy?"
"My neighbor, he was babysitting."
Jake stood up and cautiously approached her. In just a few seconds, a multitude of emotions played across his face, from disbelief, to anger, to pleading. Then abruptly, his face turned stony, not revealing anything of what he was feeling. He looked so calm, that Heidi wasn't sure if she had imagined what she had just seen on his face.
Jake was staring at her like he had never seen her before, "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"Yes," Heidi pleaded, "I was going to tell you, I was just scared."
"What's his name?"
"Fitzroy. Fitzroy James."
"Fitzroy," Jake tested the name out, and shook his head slightly. "When's his birthday?"
Jake paused for a moment. "Who—where does he think his father is?"
"He hasn't asked about his father yet. I haven't told him anything."
Jake sat down on the couch again, staring at the blank screen of the little T.V.
"We'll get married."
"What?" Heidi almost fell over with shock. The statement was so abrupt; she hadn't been expecting anything like that at all. "What-what do you mean?"
"I mean exactly what I say. In three weeks time, no more, we will get married. You and Fitzroy will come to live with me."
"B-but, I can't!" Heidi protested, mostly out of shock than anything else. You couldn't just decide to get married, just like that.
"Why not?" Jake demanded, "I have enough money to take care of you and our son comfortably. He needs a father, and I'll be damned if I let any other man be that to him."
He didn't mention anything about love. He wasn't even asking her, he was telling her. Heidi wondered if he really meant what he said earlier that night, if he really loved her. With a sinking heart, she knew that if he reassured her of his feelings, and promised to love her and their son, she would gladly throw herself into his arms and marry him in a second. As it was, it was just his pride that was talking, not his heart. He wanted to prove that he owned her.
Heidi shook her head, "I can't." Tell me again, she was screaming silently, tell me you love me.
There was a long pause. "Heidi," Jake said calmly but sternly, "I'm getting my son one way or another. You've deprived me of the first four years of his life, but you won't take away the rest from me. Now I'm giving you the chance to come with him, take it or leave it."
Heidi shook her head desperately, "You can't!" she almost shouted, horrified, "You can't take my son away from me!"
"I don't want to, but I will if I have to, and don't think that I won't." Heidi was almost in tears again, and Jake added more gently. "Do it for our son. You'll be giving him a good home, with two loving parents--even if they don't love each other."
So that was it. He didn't love her anymore. He wasn't giving her a choice, really. He knew she couldn't leave her son, or take a risk of losing him. "Yes," she answered him quietly. "I'll marry you."
What normally should have made her ecstatically happy put a deep gulf of worry in the pit of her stomach.
Heidi stood nervously by the door. Normal for a bride to be nervous, she thought, but then there wasn't anything normal about this wedding, really. All it needed was a shotgun, the thought.
Just as Jake had promised, it had been three weeks, and they were getting married. During that time, he had treated her, for the most part, as any fiancé would. He took her and Fitz out places all the time, was polite and courteous. They hadn't slept together again, hadn't even kissed, except for the chaste, formal kisses goodbye and hello.
Fitz did seem pleased to have a father figure around, at least. When Heidi had sat him down and told him Jake was his father, it didn't seem to faze him at all. He took it like a little champ, probably because he was still so young. He seemed a bit wary of Jake, considering what happened the first time he met him, but due to Jake's careful attention, Fitz warmed up to him pretty quickly. Indeed, Jake seemed fascinated with his son, doting on him at every turn.
"Time to go, sweetie," Jennifer, the wedding planner, opened the door and gently spoke to her. Heidi gave a brave smile and stood up. She didn't have anyone to walk her down the aisle, but that didn't really matter. Fran was her only bridesmaid, and was already standing at the front of the church, beaming at Heidi as she walked into the room. She didn't know anything about the situation, she thought they were the most perfectly happy couple. Everyone else was staring at her, too, but Heidi tried to avoid their faces. Most of them were Jake's guests anyhow.
Little Fitz was standing up there proudly with his father. Because Heidi had nowhere else to look, she glanced at Jake's face. He was staring at her, his expression unreadable. She quickly looked away.
For the past three weeks, it hadn't really hit her that she was actually going to marry him. Not when he took her out and bought her an engagement ring, not when he introduced her to his family.
Finally she was standing beside him, and he grasped her hand. For Heidi, the whole ceremony felt like it took a matter of moments, she just couldn't seem to keep her mind focused on what was really happening. She was startled when the minister spoke her name, and spat out the perfunctory "I do" when asked for it. Jake slipped the ring onto her finger.
At the reception, Jake made sure that no one could guess that they weren't the happiest, most in love couple to ever take their vows.
Everyone seemed surprised that they weren't going on a honeymoon. When Jake asked her about it, Heidi had instantly spoken against it. She didn't think she would be able to spend all that time alone with him, not when every time they were together, Heidi thought she would burst from the level of stress in the room.
But even without the formal honeymoon, there was still their wedding night, which couldn't be avoided. Heidi flitted nervously about her new room, avoiding the ominous presence of the king sized bed. She had already checked on Fitz, settled snuggly in his new bed. Jake had gone out of his way to make Fitz's new room everything a little boy could dream of.
"Don't look so scared," Jake demanded harshly from where he sat on the bed.
"I'm not scared," Heidi said defensively, but the slight tremor in her voice gave her away.
Jake suddenly stood up from the bed and walked over to her. "It doesn't have to be like this," he said gently, wrapping his arms around her waist, "You were happy with me, before. I can make you happy again." He tugged her gently over to the bed.
Heidi let his stronger body control hers, letting him gently push her back down onto the bed.
"W-wait," Heidi said when he started to kiss her neck.
"Stop thinking so much," he said gently, stroking her hair. "Just relax."
He was being gentle, but still Heidi couldn't get her anxiety to pass. Her body wanted him to make love to her, but she couldn't get her head to stop screaming "no!"
"Stop it," Heidi said, pushing him away from her and sitting up.
"I don't get it, Heidi. What's changed? You enjoyed this before." Jake growled angrily, sitting inches from her. Heidi couldn't take his close proximity, and stood up.
"What's changed?" she said angrily, "You forced me to marry you! That's what's changed."
Jake also popped to his feet. "You kept my son from me!" He accused right back. Then he seemed to calm down, getting himself back under a tenuous control.
"Can't we just forgive each other? Start anew?" He asked gently.
Heidi looked at him, incredulous. "Start over again? We can't just keep pretending like the past never happened. I can't forget that easily."
"So that's it, is it? You still haven't forgiven me for what happened four years ago?"
Heidi shook her head in denial. She hadn't meant that, not at all. Jake took it as a confirmation, though.
"Heidi—" his voice was pleading as he took a step toward her. Heidi automatically took as step in back. This seemed to enrage him more than anything else, and he stomped toward her in three long strides.
He grabbed her shoulders, pulling her roughly against his chest. "You gave yourself to me." His voice was full of accusation. "You begged me to make love to you, and you enjoyed it. Don't pretend like you don't forgive me. Don't pretend like you don't want me."
He bent his head and angrily started kissing her. Heidi stood pliant in his arms, hating what he was doing, refusing to kiss him back. Jake seemed to sense her passive resistance, and he gentled his kiss. He started coaxing her mouth, his kiss full of passion now, instead of anger. He encouraged her to kiss him back, teasing her lips.
Heidi had to struggle not to respond now, but she managed. She wouldn't give into him that easily.
Jake pulled his head back, not loosening his grip on her shoulders, though.
"Are you going to rape me again?" Heidi's voice was full of acid.
Jake abruptly released her, stumbling backwards. She knew she had hurt him, but she didn't care. He kicked the bed as hard as he could, then stomped out of the room.
Heidi listened to him go down to the living room, guessing that he was going to sleep on the couch. She didn't know why he didn't just sleep in the guest room, but she didn't think too much about it.
How had things gone so wrong? She knew it was her fault, Jake had been more than willing to forgive and forget. Why couldn't she do the same also? Why couldn't she make love to him?
Because she loved him, and he didn't love her. Not anymore.
Heidi climbed into the bed that they had once made love in. The night before things had gotten so messed up, when they were still happy together.
Heidi couldn't fall asleep for the longest time that night. She kept thinking about their marriage. How would she be able to survive it? Things couldn't go on this way forever, could they? Jake would get tired of her. He would leave her.
Heidi woke the next morning, feeling tired. She didn't feel like she had even gotten any sleep last night, but after laying in bed for a couple of minutes, she realized that she wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep. Reluctantly, she got out of bed.
She didn't know what to do, it was like being in a stranger's house. Should she go downstairs? Should she get dressed first?
Heidi came to the conclusion that she couldn't face Jake looking without first taking a shower and getting dressed. She quickly did both, and walked downstairs with her hair still wet.
"Morning mommy," Fitz greeted her, clapping his batter-covered hands. He and Jake were obviously making pancakes, and Jake seemed to have no qualms about letting Fitz get into as much mess as possible.
"We're making blueberry pancakes." Fitz said proudly.
"That's great sweety," Heidi smiled at her son. She wanted to go over and give him a kiss, but Jake was all too close. She avoided his eyes.
"Why don't you have a seat," Jake asked Heidi. Heidi nodded and sat down at the kitchen table.
"Go take these over to mommy," Heidi heard Jake tell Fitz, who a moment later arrived by her side with a plate full of blueberry pancakes.
"These look delicious," she told her son, taking the plate from his hands and setting it on the table in front of her. Fitz climbed onto her lap, and reached for a pancake. He started to happily shove pieces of it into his mouth.
Heidi grabbed a couple for herself, drenching them in syrup.
Jake sat down across from her with another batch, which he hungrily started to devour.
"I promised Fitz that we would all go to the zoo today," Jake said casually, looking at her, "If that's okay with you?"
Heidi couldn't believe how casual he was acting, like nothing had ever happened.
"Yay, mommy," Fitz started bouncing on her lap after being reminded of the special day ahead, "The zoo!" He turned to her and wrapped his little arms around her neck.
Heidi found that she couldn't really say no, although she didn't know how she could get through spending the whole day with Jake. At least Fitz would be there as a buffer.
"That's fine with me," she answered Jake, and Fitz smiled shouted happily and gave her a kiss.
At least Fitz seemed to have adjusted quickly to his new home, only took him a day.
"I'm gonna get dressed," Fitz shouted and ran for his room.
"Wait for me," Heidi said, following her son as he ran up the stair on his little legs. She thought maybe she should stay and help with the dishes, but she didn't want to be alone with Jake.
Fitz was ecstatic the whole way to the zoo. You would think that kid had never been there before, Heidi thought. She couldn't get over her son's endless energy and enthusiasm. She hoped that was something that would never change for him, as well as his ability to adapt.
"Hurry mommy," Fitz grabbed Heidi's hand and started tugging on it in his impatience to travel the parking lot.
Once Jake had paid the tickets, and they were inside, he turned to Fitz. "What do you want to do first?"
"The monkeys," Heidi and Fitz both said at the same time, Fitz's voice undeniably more excited than Heidi's.
Heidi turned in the direction she knew well. The monkeys were Fitz's favorite exhibit, and they inevitably stopped there first and last upon every visit to the zoo.
"Come on daddy," Fitz said, grabbing Jake's hand. Despite how uncomfortable things were between Jake and her at the moment, Heidi felt her heart give a warm little flutter when Fitz called him "daddy."
Jake seemed to like it, too, because a sappy grin soon came to his face. "Okay," his voice sounded as eager as Fitz's, "lead the way."
The whole day was pretty wonderful. Heidi felt like they were a real family. At the end of the day, Jake ended up carrying a sleepy Fitz, the boy's little head resting on his father's shoulder. Their identical blond hair mixed together, and Heidi couldn't stop staring at the two people who meant more to her in the world than anyone else.
"I'm going to just put him in bed," Jake said quietly as he took Fitz out of Heidi's arms so that she could unbuckle herself and get out of the car.
"He's had a long day, sleepy little thing," Heidi said affectionately, stroking Fitz's hair and kissing the top of his head. She disconcertedly found that she wanted to do the same to Jake.
Jake carried the little boy into his room and tucked him in. Heidi was already undressed and in her pajamas when Jake walked into the room. Would he try to sleep with her again? Heidi wondered. Would she let him?
"I really enjoyed today," Jake finally said.
"Me too," and Heidi found that she was being completely honest.
"I'm glad," Jake said, taking a step closer to her. "I'm sorry about what happened last night."
Heidi didn't say anything, only stared at him in amazement.
"I know it was completely my fault. I shouldn't have tried to push you." His voice was full of chagrin. "I know now that I can't take you for granted, you're still wary of me, and that's completely understandable."
He was slowly approaching her as he spoke, as though she were a wild animal that he was afraid might bolt if he moved too fast. He was right in front of her now.
"Just let me prove to you that I won't push you. Let me earn your trust back," and he hesitantly lifted his hands, gauging her reaction. Heidi was too surprised and confused to move. He was treating her as cautiously as he would a live bomb.
He put his hands on her waist and took a step forward, hugging her unresisting body. When she didn't try to pull away, he let out a long breath.
"Let me hold you tonight, okay? Nothing more, I promise." He looked down at her face.
Heidi could only manage to nod.
"Get in bed," he told her, pushing her the step it took her to reach the bed. Heidi obediently climbed in under the covers and watched him. He had already taken his shoes off, and now he pulled off his shirt, revealing his lean, muscled chest. He unbuckled his belt and kicked his pants off to join his discarded shirt.
In nothing but his boxers, he climbed into bed beside Heidi. Eagerly he took her and pulled her back into his arms, molding her body into his.
"Comfortable?" he asked her.
"Yes." And she was, the most comfortable she thought she had ever been.