A Child's Punishment

A child will forgive his parents almost anything, and given enough time most will forgive all. Not this child.

Edited by LadyCibelle and made better by her suggestions.

A Child's Punishment

I watched her walk up the four steps to the entrance of the building, stop on the landing and speak into what I suspected was an intercom, then reach for the entrance door. Even from where I was standing, I could hear the buzz releasing the lock. She went inside still carrying the tube, stood in the foyer and pulled out her cell phone. She made a call, surprising me when my own cell didn't ring. She spoke for several minutes, then walked over to the stairway and began to climb. His room was on the second floor. Her step was quick, indicating she knew where she was going. Now, it would finally be over.

As I watched her disappear up the stairway, I thought back to that day when everything I thought was good in my life changed. It happened so long ago, and I was surprised that the sight of my wife cheating on me would bring it all back again, so clear that it seemed it had only happened yesterday. But that wasn't true. It happened almost twenty three years ago but the lessons I learned then have guided my life up until this point. As a matter of fact, what I had done up to this point was assured by that event so long ago. I really had no choice and Laurie should understand that. Well, maybe she did and she was just playing out her role in this little drama. Let me tell you about it and then maybe you'll understand.

When It Began

I was eleven years old, and I lived with my parents Rachael and David Harris in Columbia, South Carolina. My name is Peter after one of the disciples; my grandmother's influence I think. My dad owned a new car dealership and he did well enough that we lived in a nice home in one of the many suburbs around the capital city of South Carolina. Mom was a school teacher and she taught English to junior high kids. It was the summer, mom was not working and I was out of school and playing softball with the pee-wee leagues.

We had a game scheduled that afternoon but the team we were to play had to forfeit for some reason. A win was a win so the coach took us all out for milkshakes and then sent us home. I was about two hours early so I decided to go home and maybe find my best buddy Gary Hobbs and see what trouble we could get into. Gary didn't play sports because he had a bad knee but he was my best friend. All I had to do was change out of my uniform and then I would go find him. I went into the house, thinking of what I wanted to do when Gary and I got together and ran up the stairs to my room. As I pounded down the hall, I glanced into mom and dad's room and saw mom on the bed, naked, a man I had never seen before on top of her. I stopped in shock and just stared.

Yeah, I knew what sex was. I had seen some porn already and I knew what men and women did and Gary and I had experimented a little with ourselves. I had listened to the sounds that came from my parent's room late at night when I was supposed to be asleep. It was all just stuff kids did but it was enough for me to understand what mom was doing and that she was doing it with someone other than dad. As I stood there, shock just holding me in place, mom must have heard something and raised her head. As she saw me, her eyes widened, her mouth fell open and one hand came up to cover her exposed breasts. Our eyes locked and she could see the surprise and the hurt that came into mine. Somehow, my eleven year old brain understood that our lives were going to change forever. It also understood that this change wasn't going to be a good thing.

"Oh God, Petey. Please honey, just wait there till I can come out. Please wait for me OK?" She pushed the man on top of her to the side and scrambled off the bed, trying to cover herself as she flailed around looking for a robe or something to cover her nakedness, never letting go of me with her eyes. The man was yelling at her, not understanding what had happened. He grabbed her and she slapped him with a loud crack, yelling "Let me go! Let me go!" As she turned away from me, the spell was broken and I turned and ran down the stairs and out the door, never pausing or looking back, the sight of my naked mother lying under another man burned into my eleven year old brain.

I ran and ran until I had no breath left to run. I found myself walking slowly along a single lane road that led out of town and I stopped, trying to locate where I was. I saw a small gas station and convenience store just ahead and realized I had run for almost five miles before stopping. I went in, bought a coke and a bag of chips and then began the long walk back. I had no idea what I wanted to do but I was sure I didn't want to talk to my mother. She had cheated on my dad and I loved my dad more than life itself. He was my hero, my mentor and my rock. What she did made me mad, madder than I had ever been at either one of my parents. We had the usual little spats that meant nothing but this one was different. Things would never be the same and I knew that. And it was her fault!

It was dark when I finally walked up the walk to my home. I stopped at the door, hesitating to go in, not knowing what I would find. I opened the door and walked in to find my mother and father sitting in the living room, waiting for me. I stopped in the entranceway and looked first at her, than him. He was the first to speak.

"Where have you been young man? You've had both of us worried sick about you. You know you're to be in before dark. Do you have an excuse?" He was angry but only at me. I made the connection in my young mind that mom hadn't said anything to him.

I looked at her, my eyes accusing but silent. She looked back with eyes that pleaded with me to keep her secret. I went cold at her look, but told myself that I would not say anything that could hurt my father. I just loved him too much to do that. "I'm sorry dad. I was just walking and found myself pretty far away before I realized how late it was. I've been walking home."

"Well, consider yourself grounded for the next two days young man. Maybe that will help you remember not to worry us. Understand?" He looked at me and the disappointment on his face hurt.

"I understand, and I'm sorry." I walked away and up the stairs to my room. I went in and locked the door behind me, something I hardly ever did. Only when I wanted to be alone to do something embarrassing. I sat down on the edge of my bed and did something else I hadn't done for a long time: I cried. I cried because I was a kid and I didn't know how to handle this secret I had. I cried because I knew someone was going to be hurt and I couldn't stop it.

It must have been an hour or more when I heard a tapping on my door. I didn't respond and I heard my mother's voice. "Petey? Petey please open the door and let me in. I have some dinner for you. You missed supper." Nothing more for a moment, then "Please? Peter, please let me talk to you."

I had no choice. She was my mother and she said please. What could I do? I turned the lock and than moved quickly back to sit on my bed. She opened the door and stood there, a tray in her hands and a smile on her face. The tray was welcome; the smile seemed forced and insincere. Even as a kid, I could tell that. She seemed nervous as she came in, put the tray on my desk and then moved over to sit beside me on the bed. As she did, I got up and moved to the desk chair and sat down.

She let out a gasp as I did, and I saw the tears begin. She wiped her eyes and then seemed to come to a decision. She looked at me, her face closed and blank. "I have to ask you to not say anything to your father. This is something he should not have to know. The pain of my actions would hurt him terribly. It was a mistake Petey, and one I made without thinking. It will never happen again. You have my word."

Keeping my voice low so dad wouldn't hear me I said "I don't believe you. You cheated on dad and you did it right here in our house. Why shouldn't I tell him? Why should you be allowed to do something like that and not have to pay? I was just a little late and I'm being punished. Who's punishing you?"

Then she put her face in her hands and started to cry. I watched her shoulders as they moved with her sobbing. I sat there, unmoved even at the age of eleven. I wonder, now that a great deal of time has passed, if I believed even then that she was acting for my benefit. The art of betrayal demands superb acting skills and apparently my mother had learned well.

"I'm sorry Petey. I'm truly sorry and I promise you that I will never betray your father again. I'm being punished by my own guilt. I have to pay for it that way. I love your father so much and I've done something that would hurt him if he knew. It's tearing me apart inside. So please, don't say anything. OK?"

I made the decision at that instant that I would not say anything to my father. She was right: it would only hurt him and he didn't deserve that. So, I raised my eyes to meet those of my mother and told her "I promise. I won't say anything to him ever."

She stood, came over to me and kissed the top of my head. "Thank you Peter. And I promise you, never again." She waited for me to say something but I remained silent. She seemed uncertain of what more to say and I said nothing so she finally made some noises about eating some dinner and walked out, closing the door behind her. One thing I didn't tell her then that she would come to understand later: I promised to stay quiet but I never promised to forgive her. And I never did.

Life went on for us. I had no idea what my mother did when I wasn't around, but from that day forward, I treated her as a cook, a maid, a companion for my father but never again as my mother. She came to understand and it slowly took its toll on her. She became quiet, she began to go to bed earlier and earlier and sometimes she failed to get up until late morning. She resigned her teaching job and stayed home. The only time she seemed active and alert was when dad was home. I watched as she treated my dad as a king, always asking what she could do for him, trying to please him as often as she could, in general working to keep the house perfect for us. When we were home alone, there was no communication between us other than what was absolutely necessary. She tried: she tried very hard to get me to open up to her and talk to her and treat her as a mother but I refused. I never mentioned why but she knew. She knew!

I didn't know then whether it was my attitude that finally pushed her over the edge but I came home one day to find dad sitting in the living room, alone. I walked in, sat down beside him and asked him what was wrong. He had been crying; that I knew by his face. That bothered me because my dad never cried. He was strong! He didn't say anything for some time but finally he seemed to notice me sitting there. He pulled himself together then and told me.

"Your mother has left me. She packed a few bags and most of her things and left. She didn't say anything before so I had no idea there was any problem. She left a letter and in it she said to tell you she loved you and she was so sorry. Do you know what she meant?"

I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of leaving me to do her dirty work. I thought very hard and finally said "I have no idea either dad. She never said anything to me about leaving or being sad or anything. I don't know why she would do this to you. No idea at all."

"Are you very sure? Nothing you want to tell me?"

"Nothing dad. Honest! I didn't know she was going to leave us."

My father looked back at me, an expression on his face that I never would understand. He seemed sad, but there was also a deep seated anger that burned just below the surface. I assumed it was for mom's actions and I felt I understood. How wrong I was.

We never talked about mom after that. Dad put her out of his mind at least around me, but I watched him and saw the toll it took on him. He began to run down, as if he had nothing left to live for. Her cheating was one thing, but to leave him the way she did showed me she was a coward and a cold-hearted bitch. Nothing I didn't already know about her. I thought to myself that it was better for him that she was gone. I believed that. I just wished dad could see it for himself.

It was almost eight years later when I was in college and dad got very sick that I found out what mom said in her letter to dad. I was cleaning his room one day while he was in the hospital and I found the letter. It was worn; folded and unfolded so many times that it was almost in pieces. There were bleached spots on it that indicated water stains, probably tears I guessed. I took it and carefully unfolded it and laid it on the table to read.

My darling husband David,

I can't go on this way any more. I have to tell you something and it breaks my heart to do it. I was unfaithful to you with Walter Hodges. It was only once but that was one too many times and I must pay for my sin. The only time was here in our home in our bed and to make my shame so hard to bear, our son saw me. He came home and saw his mother betraying his father. It was the same night he came home so very late and you were so angry with him and I was so ashamed that I allowed you to be angry with him and to punish him. I know he was torn by what I did and that's why he was away.

He ran away my dear David, because I compound my sin by asking our son to lie for me; to say nothing to you. And he promised because I told him that to tell you would cause you pain. I never considered the pain he was in by having to lie to his father. For that also, I must pay.

Our son hates me to this day and his hate has made my life a living hell. Every day he looks at me with eyes filled with accusation and contempt. He never speaks to me as his mother, and when you are not there, he speaks to me not at all. His hate is justified but it is also more than I can bear. For that you must forgive him as I have since my actions made him do this. But his hate pales in comparison to the hate I have for myself. I betrayed both of you David and that is more than I can stand.

Please know that nothing you did caused me to be unfaithful to you. It was my own weakness and base desires. You were always my love and I needed nothing more. My sin was curiosity. I simply wanted to know what else was out there in the world. Walter had tried over many years to tempt me and he constantly gave me compliments. When he came to our house that day and made his suggestions and plied me with his flattery, I was weak and finally gave in to his urgings. Know that I found nothing that day that equaled what I already had, and that is so sad. I destroyed our home for nothing.

I set you free. I set Peter free as well. Please give him my love and please don't look for me.

With all my love,

Your wife always,

Rachael

I read it again and carefully refolded it and placed it back where I found it. I had mixed emotions about what she said. I wasn't sure how I felt. It was clear that she paid a terrible price for her cheating, but her weakness allowed it to become so much worse that it finally destroyed all of us. Why she never admitted what she did to my father continued to bother me. It would have made the whole difference. If dad had forgiven her I would have as well. If she were stronger and told the truth, we would still be a family. Now? Dad and I lived alone and we had no idea where she was. Our family was fractured by her actions and finally broken by her selfish weakness. There was only one thing that bothered me. I was confused by her asking dad to forgive me. What did I do? It was her!

Dad died that summer and I buried him in the cemetery where he had plots for the three of us. Mom's hadn't been used of course and I doubted I would ever use the third. The ceremony was short and attended by a very few of his friends. Dad had withdrawn after mom left and the many friends he once enjoyed had slowly dwindled. As the last mourner left, I stood there over the hole that would soon hide his earthly remains. I said a silent goodbye and moved back as I glanced up at the horizon. I saw a lone woman standing there, the sun to her back blocking any view of her face. I watched her for a few seconds before the knowledge exploded in my head. That was my mother! She had come to his funeral!

I was uncertain of what to do. Should I go to her, ask her if she would like to pay her respects? I started forward, then stopped. What could I say to her? How would she respond? I began walking towards her again only to see her turn and walk rapidly toward a waiting taxi. Before I could say anything, she had entered the back and the cab pulled away. The tinted windows blocked any view of her as the cab passed by me, heading out of the cemetery.

I never expected to see her again and I was not sure how I felt about that. But after dad died, I put it all behind me, sold the dealership, sold the old house and moved all my stuff into a small duplex that I bought. I was still in college on a full ride and I had a year to go before graduation. I went back to campus and finished out my senior year.

I graduated with a degree in business and I felt somewhat alone as I milled around with my fellow graduates. I was introduced to several of my friends' families and tried to be charming and engaging but the loneliness was painful. Dad was gone and I had no siblings: it was just me. I stayed as long as was polite than started back to my room to finish packing. I was paying no attention when I heard a voice say "Congratulations." I turned and searched the milling people before noticing her. She was standing aside, out of the crowd, dressed in a dark suit with sunglasses. I almost didn't recognize her but then she stepped forward to face me. It was her! Rachael! My mother!

"Congratulations Peter. You must be very proud." She held out her hand.

Without thinking, I took it and held it for several seconds as my mind processed the fact that she was here. She had changed a lot. She was still as I remembered her but her face was more mature, more lines around the mouth and eyes but still a beautiful woman. I noticed that I still held her hand and released it. She seemed almost sad at that.

"Thank you. I didn't know you were here. I had no idea how to contact you to send you an invitation." That last was said with a trace of sarcasm. It was out before I knew it.

"I've tried to be aware of the important times in your life since I left Peter. I was there at the funeral and I know you saw me. I've always known what you were doing."

"Why didn't you call or write to tell us you were OK? Dad worried about you until the day he died. He never forgot you, and I know he forgave you so why didn't you come back?"

"Because of you Peter. He forgave me but you never did. Never once did you think to give me a chance or ask your father to ask me to come home. He knew how to reach me Peter. He always knew but because of you, he let me go."

That was news to me and something I never heard from dad. Could it be true? I didn't want to believe that so I pushed it out of my mind and changed the subject.

"What about you? What are you doing now? And where are you living?" Just polite talk, no real interest. Right?

"I've remarried. My husband Steve is a very sweet man and we have two children now. They are your half brother and sister Peter. Maybe some day you can meet them. Would you like my number? You could call anytime and I would be delighted to see you."

I was stunned to hear I had two half siblings. The information was too much for me to take in on this day of days. I stumbled through an excuse that I had to rush to pack and catch a ride home. I turned and ran toward my apartment without waiting for her number. I knew it was cowardly but I had no control then. Now, I realized that I should have done more to heal the wounds that still hurt me. But I didn't.