A Correspondence with Sharon

Maybe I'm a closet exhibitionist, I don't know. Looking back, now I can honestly say that the vast majority of my exhibitionist experiences were arousing. Let me give you an example of one time I was very aroused. I went to the office on a Saturday because Lee was out of town and I was behind on my work. Of course Jay knew I would be there and he was there too. We had sex in Lee's office. Then. more as a tease then anything else, Jay hid my clothes and said I would have to work nude the rest of the day. This wasn't intended to humiliate me. It was more to create excitement. It certainly did that. It really turned me on to work at my desk and walk around the office completely nude. The excitement factor was that anyone could have looked into a window or any other employee could have wandered into the office for any number of reasons. It was exciting for both of us and something that eventually happened again.

You asked what I feel now looking back. Probably the most overwhelming emotion is remorse that it ever happened. The next strongest emotion is anger with myself that I could have been that stupid. I don't regret the sex I had with him in the beginning. I needed it at the time and I did enjoy it. I even enjoyed some of the wild things we did. He interjected an excitement that was lacking in my life then. I did not enjoy the forced situations that came about later. That was where the shame and regret entered the picture. Even recalling things now I still feel the shame and humiliation I felt then. I guess it will never go away but I can say talking about it helps. I think if it would have just been sex with him, I could have dismissed the whole thing as a stupid affair. After he began involving his friends, it was no longer an affair. I literally became the company whore and his personal sex toy that he enjoyed sharing.. That was the black period of my life that I feel remorse over.

If you have any other questions, please ask.

Sharon

Oct 10/01/08 10:55 PM

Sharon,

I am glad that you are getting something out of our conversation because I am feeling a bit like a voyeur and, to be perfectly honest, getting turned on by it. I hope that by talking it out like this you can eventually find the strength to forgive yourself for what happened and not feel so ashamed.

I do have some follow on questions:

What event led to your first tryst with Jay?

Why do you think you risked starting an affair with the boss's husband?

Did Lee ever find out about the relationship and if so do you think she knew about it from the beginning?

Paul.

Oct 10/02/08 1:32 PM

Hi Paul

Before I write any more about that time of my life, I want to express my concern about this diversion interfering with your writing. I'm hoping that isn't the case. Ideally, I would like my real life experiences to give you a better understanding of the subject you have been writing about and thus further improve your stories. I would not want this to be a distraction that hinders you. If it is please let me know.

Another thing I wanted to tell you is to not worry about being a voyeur. It is very understandable and part of human nature. After all, I am opening up a window in my life for you to look peer into. If what you see, turns you on, don't feel badly about it. I expect it and knew that before opening the window. I'm stripping off my past in front of that open window with the full knowledge that you are looking in.

You're not a voyeur, I'm stripping for you and both of us are curious about how much I will be taking off. I have my reasons for stripping and you have you reasons for looking. Enjoy the show!

Another thing I wanted to mention is that I'm not looking to understand or rationalize my actions from then. I feel no need to forgive myself and I'm not looking for answers. I am not seeking sympathy, advise, or judgement. All I know is that I have for some time had a desire to tell my story to someone but never had the opportunity. I wasn't even sure I could if I did get the chance. What I do know is that telling the few things that I have told you has given me a feeling of release and a certain peace that I got it out. Perhaps this isn't the best explanation but I don't know how to explain it any better. I hope you understand.

You asked: "What event led to your first tryst with Jay"? Then you asked; "Why do you think you risked starting an affair with your boss's husband"? By answering the first question, I think the answer to the second will be self evident.

To begin with, I'm going top skip by a lot of background and try to get to the time things really started. Some background is required to properly explain the situation.

My marital situation at the time was not good. A lot of things were wrong but probably the most pronounced was the fact that Joey (Husband) and I were working during different times of the day. I started work at 8:30 in the morning and he went to work at 3:00 in the afternoon. I got home at 6:00 and usually went to bed at 11:00. Joey would come home after midnight and I would be sleeping. The next morning he would be sleeping when I left for work. That cycle repeated itself day after day. Our major form of communications were leaving each other notes.

That situation left me lonely and bored. Our sex life was near zero. Sure, I would shop and do things with friends but the vast majority of the time I was spending home by myself. I was desperate for sex and even more desperate for just companionship.

Jay flirted with me from the day I started there. With him being the husband of my boss, I dismissed it. It was easy to do because Jay wasn't at all my type. He was short balding, slightly overweight, uneducated, and had no class. . I was always attracted to the opposites. He was the type that if he were to hit on me in a bar, I would walk away from him. To his credit, he did have a pleasant personality and was easy to talk to.

The flirting wasn't really serious flirting but we both knew he was testing the waters. As time went by, and I was feeling very lonely, I began looking forward to his flirting and the small talks we often had together. We started talking about personal things in our lives and our talks got more frequent and longer. Jay was replacing the companionship I didn't have at home. We were suddenly very close friends but there was nothing sexual. I was always aware that he wanted things to turn sexual but I still wasn't interested.

As things continued to deteriorate on my home front, I found myself getting closer and closer to Jay. The only time Joey and I had together was weekends. Those weekends helped pull me back to Joey and away from Jay. Then as summer came, Joey began doing things on weekends with his friends. It was nothing he hadn't done before and before I didn't mind. The difference was that with our work schedules, the weekends were all we had. Then I blew up on him when he said he was taking the entire weekend to go fishing. I was furious because I so much looked forward to our weekends. He went anyway.

I was still upset when I went to work the next Monday. Jay knew there was something wrong and offered me a shoulder to cry on. I told him everything about how unhappy I was and how lonely I was. He began taking advantage of that information and was soon telling me that If I was with him everything would be different. He was filling my ears with everything he knew I wanted to hear and went out of his way to point out how wrong Joey was for treating me the way he did. I ate it all up like a starving man.

After that, both Lee and Jay began inviting me to stay after work and have dinner with them. They both knew my situation and spending time with them was preferable to going home to an empty house. It started with dinners and soon I began doing things with the two of them. Sometimes we would go bowling and sometimes out for a drink at one of the two redneck bars in the little town.

Lee was clueless about Jay's true feelings for me and he hid it well from her. I was well aware that he was getting way to close to me but I was desperate for the attention so I allowed it. I also found myself feeling closer to Jay then I should be but trusted myself to never let it get too far. I didn't want Jay, I wanted Joey, but Jay seemed to always be there for me and Joey never was.

I had several long talks with Joey about how unhappy I was but nothing changed. Then came the day of my birthday. It was on a Monday that year and Joey had promised me that he would take off work that day and we would go out for dinner and a dancing at a club. I can't tell you about how much I was looking forward to that night. I saw that night as a way for us to fall in love again and a much needed reminder of why I wanted him instead of Jay. I knew I was too close to Jay and I knew I didn't want to be. This night would pull me back to Joey. I even went out and bought a little black dress for the occasion.

For some reason Joey didn't attach the same importance to the evening together as I did. He did get the day off but while I was at work he chose to go and have a beer with some friends of his. I went home to an empty house again. Then came the phone call to get ready because he was heading home. A second phone call had me dressed and ready but he was delayed by a dart game. At eleven o'clock, I took off the little black dress and cried myself to sleep.

I was still very upset when I went to work the next morning. Of course Jay was there for me and this time literally provided a shoulder for me to cry on. Jay told Lee about the tragic situation and the two of them decided that they would take me out for my birthday. That afternoon, Lee told me to take the afternoon off and go home and put on my new dress for the evening. I decided "WHY NOT".

I returned to the office after it closed to find Jay waiting for me. He gave me some excuse why Lee wouldn't be going out with us. It was something about her mother. He actually gave me a note from Lee said that Lee said she did not want me disappointed again so she was loaning me her husband for the evening. It was clear that she completely trusted the two of us. To this day, I am still suspicious about that situation but never did find out that it was anything different then it appeared to be.

We went to dinner and then dancing and ended at a small piano bar I liked. It was the evening I wanted with my husband. Jay was underdressed, a bad dancer, and didn't like the music at the piano bar. (it wasn't country) Other then that, I had a very nice time and he was the perfect escort. I watched the time because I needed to be home before Joe got home. We arrived back at the office to pick up my car at about 11:00. If Joey went straight home, I would barely have time to get there ahead of him.

Jay told me that we had to go in the office because he had a present there for me. we went in and he opened a bottle of Asti (my favorite) Then he retrieved a small present from Lee's desk. (It was a pen and pencil set) Even though there wasn't time he insisted that we finish the wine. I not so reluctantly agreed. Jay took me into his arms to hug me and it felt good to have a man's arms around me. Then there was a kiss. I resisted but not very much. We started kissing. I felt terrible that I was kissing my boss's husband and even worse that it wasn't my husband. Still, regardless of who he was, I wanted the romantic attention. It had been so long since Joey had kissed me like that. I was responding to it and so was Jay.

Jay moved his hand up to feel my breast and I reluctantly moved it away. When he tried again, I only made a half hearted effort to remove it and it stayed. I knew it was all wrong but felt so desperate for this romantic attention. The kissing, the fondling of my breasts, and the feel of his erection pressing against me, had me losing control. My mind was still saying "NO" but my body was saying "YES". The mind was rapidly losing the battle.

Jay used his free hand to begin unzipping my dress. I told him no but made no effort to stop him. The zipper went down and the little spaghetti straps slipped down my arms. I was not wearing a bra. My breasts became exposed and Jay took full advantage of it. First he felt my bare breasts and then kissed down my neck until he got to them. The battle was still going on in my head. This was so wrong but I wanted it. Then Jay placed my hand over his erection. He held it there but when he moved his hand away, mine stayed. I allowed him to peel my dress up over my head and off. My hand went back to his erection but this time without assistance. Then Jay's hand slipped inside my pantyhose and he began snaking them down over my hips. At the same time I was unzipping his trousers.

Something in my head suddenly snapped. It was like I was hit with a bucket of cold water. My mind had been saying all along that I shouldn't be doing this and suddenly the message got through. It was as if I had just awoken from a dream but this was a nightmare. I was alone and nearly naked with my boss's husband!!!

I jerked myself back and away from Jay while announcing "I CAN'T DO THIS"!! Jay just gave me a blank look as I reached down on my thighs to pull my pantyhose up. He asked what was the matter and I replied "everything". I put my dress back on while he watched and told him I had to go. Jay tried holding me but I pulled free. I told him that this shouldn't have happened and left him standing there as I hurried out of the office and to my car.

I was overcome with guilt as I drove home. Fortunately I got home before Joey. On that night I was glad he had stopped for a beer after work.

Even though there was no actual sex that day, I still consider it the first time. Everything was there except the actual sexual act. In my head, I had cheated on my husband and betrayed the trust of my boss and friend. For weeks after that I kept my distance from Jay. The only thing was that my home situation had not changed so that one indiscretion was bound to happen again and it did. It would happen a few weeks later on a night I was working late.

I told you exactly what happened as I remember it. I hope it answers the first two questions.

To answer your next question. Lee did discover the relationship but that was much later. Was she in on it from the beginning? I'm not so sure either way. In the beginning, I think they both wanted me. Yes, Lee was not adverse to a female/female thing. I would find that out later. I am adverse to it. I think It is possible that they both wanted to get me in bed with them and share me. They had also done some swapping prior to me knowing them. What I do know is that Lee was furious when we did get caught.

Any more questions?

Sharon