A Last Replybystarrkers©
This is a reply to an earlier letter posted in this category called "A Last Thought". It is a short piece and this will make much more sense if you have already ready the other.
I got your letter yesterday. Guess your privileges held up and they sent it straight away. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do what you told me. Well, I am going to do some of it, at least I'll try my very damndest.
But how could you tell me you love me and then tell me to forget you? I can never forget you. You saved me.
I will always remember you and cherish the time we had together. It was a precious thing in a dark and ugly place. It is part of me now. I cannot forget, to do that would be to erase a part of myself, the best part.
You have me strength and hope and faith in myself. Because you loved me (did you really think I didn't know, even if you couldn't say it?) I found I could love someone else, that I could even love myself, just a little.
Without you I would never have had the strength to face each obstacle, let alone get over it. I would never have been able to keep fighting for the truth to come out. I would still be there, in that cell.
But I would be with you.
We could cuddle together on that bed, in the dark, listening to the ringing of the screws' boots on the gangway, waiting for the main door to clang shut as they finished their rounds. I never thought I'd miss that sound!
I miss you. Every night I miss you. I miss how I could tell you everything and how none of it mattered because I was in your arms and that made it all go away. And it really did. Whatever happened through the day was done and dealt with the next. I never did figure out how you did that, but I was so glad I chose your room that first night.
I wonder what would've happened to me if I had chosen Sars room instead? No, on second thoughts, I don't want to think about it. I hope she's not giving you grief again. If me leaving gets her off your back, it's worth it just for that.
Remember that morning we overslept and they unlocked the cells before you'd gotten up? I'll never forget the look on Sars' face when she went past to the showers and we were still in bed together – I thought she was gonna explode!
Damn I miss not waking up with you. I wake up and you're not there and I want to crawl back under the blanket and hide. But I know what you'd say. I hear you in my mind, telling me not to throw it all away, telling me to get out there and do good.
But it's hard. It's so very hard without you. It's like a part of me is missing I could no more forget you than I could cut out my heart and still live. I will always cherish our time. It was a precious thing in a dark and ugly place. It is part of me now. I cannot forget, to do that would be to erase a part of myself, the best part.
I will do it. I won't let you down. On the days when I can't do it for me, when I just want to hide, I'll do it for you.
See? I can't forget you – you are what keeps me going out here. I know if I ever went back in there you would kick my ass clean across the exercise yard. And that would just be the warm up!
I won't come back, not inside. And, if you want, I won't write anymore. But I won't ever forget you or stop thinking about you. And if I can, I will find a way for us to be together again.
Until then, think of this as you lay in our bunk at night.
I am there, I am with you. Feel me: the soft tickle of my breath across your skin; the warmth of my body against yours; the way the moonlight through the bars makes our skin glow and shimmer; that wonderful tingle in the belly as we touch; the feel of my lips on yours, my breast swelling under your hand, the nipple tight and hard; my hand, sliding between your thighs, worshipping, cupping and caressing you.
My chin is nuzzling your neck, my lips are tickling your ear and my voice is whispering deep into you, wrapping you mind and keeping you close:
I love you. I remember you. I live for you.
And, no matter what, I will never forget you.
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