A Letter Unsent

I wanted to tell you how I feel, although I doubt you will ever see this. I know you probably don't even care about me. I really miss you and I wish I could see you again. I would be happy if I could even be friends with you. But I don't think you even want that. I don't know why I feel this way. I think you are the sweetest guy when you want to be. And at the same time, kind of a jerk; the biggest heartbreaker I've ever met.

I have never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I can't even describe how much I enjoyed being with you, kissing you, being in your arms. You made me feel so good. Like I never wanted to leave that spot in your arms. I remember the first night we got together. I couldn't even catch my breath we were kissing so much. I remember that morning when I drove home, I felt out of breath from kissing you. I could still feel your kisses on my lips.

The next time was just as intense. I wanted you even more. I've never spent so long kissing someone and so intensely. I enjoyed feeling you rubbing against me, driving me crazy, making me want you so bad. We may as well have had sex that night it was so intense. I hated leaving your arms in the morning. It felt so good the way you held me. I could lay in your arms forever and still feel like it wasn't long enough.

Then there was the night she was there. I loved the look in her eyes when she walked by and we were kissing. She had that death look in her eyes. I was disappointed that you gave her so much time to talk and not be with me. I was even more disappointed when you said you were sick when I went to kiss you again in bed. Made me feel bad. So I turned away from you, then you just put your arms around me.. Why do you do this to me.. It's so confusing.

Some weeks later I asked if you wanted to be "friends with benefits" and you said you didn't really want me. I sure thought you would have. So I avoided you at work, I couldn't to talk to someone who didn't want me. But then one day I starting talking to you again, as if nothing happened. I'll never forget the day I came in before work at Vix and you told me I looked "pleasant".. It was the first time you'd said anything nice to me in months. I was surprised. And I actually felt like you meant it, since alcohol wasn't involved, u didn't seem after anything; it seemed sincere.

Then we got together again over Christmas. I really didn't think anything would happen. As I told you I really thought we'd just hang out and maybe be friends. But it didn't happen that way. I remember sitting with you and watching that porn movie. I thought it would be weird, but I really felt comfortable after a while. You just put your arm around me and everything felt right again.

I was so afraid to kiss you that night. Even though you'd been pretty sweet to me, I was afraid you didn't want me. But then I did and it was soo good to kiss you again. The rest of that night was fun, felt just like it had before, only now I'd known you longer. I loved it when I was on top of you kissing you and you pulled up my shirt so I could feel your skin against mine...mmm that felt so good.. And then I slid my hand onto you for the first time.. you were so hard... mmm...

The last time we were together, I will never forget it. You made me feel so good and drove me so crazy, I loved it. Your touches your kisses, the way you spent so long licking, sucking, and fingering my pussy. Then it happened. A little awkward at first, but that's me not being experienced. .. It felt so good to have you in me. I couldn't get enough of you. I didn't want that night to end. I know you thought you disappointed me, but you truly did nothing of the sort. I enjoyed all of being with you more than anything. .. Later on.. I had to repay you for how crazy you did me. I'd never done that, but I wanted to for you, you deserved it. I just hope you enjoyed it... But.. as we went to sleep, I felt it was gonna be over for us. I could tell. Even if you did like me, it wasn't gonna matter now. I felt like I had disappointed you. That maybe I could of done things differently for you.

I know I embarrassed you with my joke, but I didn't mean to hurt you or anything by it.. I really thought you'd get a laugh too. Anyway. I hope you aren't holding that silly thing against me. Because I would never do anything to hurt your feelings, if that did, I'm sorry.

I was hurt when I found out you had a new girlfriend. And I wondered if you were trying to make me jealous, trying to rub it in that I wasn't the one with you. You asked me if I was disappointed. I didn't want to tell you how much I really was. I figured you just wanted me to be jealous, so why give you the satisfaction. But I was really hurt. Then you acted like you wanted to see me.. But maybe that was another game.. Why do you make things so confusing? ..Did you know about her calling me from your phone that night I called you.? Do you know how rude she was to me? She told me you were having sex and hung up. I hope you had nothing to do with that. That was rude and totally uncalled for.

I don't know how to explain how I feel for you. When I saw you last bartending, I was hoping you'd have ended with her. I guess I didn't think it would last long.. Then months later, I found out you are still with her. I cried after I left.

So where does that leave me?? You are with her, and of course I'm not with you. I wonder if you ever think of me, or if I am just a memory that's fading fast. Do you think you could ever have feelings for me again? I hope you would. I really liked you, I fell hard. But how can that be..? We weren't truly together, I dunno, I must be stupid or something. But I do know no one has ever made me feel how you did!! .. And I know no one else will ever come close! ....And despite everything that happened between us, whether it was all a game or not, I want you to know that I still think you are a good guy, a sweetie, and whoever has you is lucky!

I miss you...