A Life Ends

{Thanks you to those of you who chose to write and comment, I do appreciate it. Some say I am a good writer, but they are just being nice, I know I am not. I can only write what happens.)

"Tell the story like you are speaking to a friend!" Ted would say. That is all I can do, I don't know any other way. I really didn't write much before, Ted did under his nickname, "magichands". He always encouraged me to, and suddenly I have the urge to, so I do.

So here is what is have to tell you all today..

"I must be out of my mind!" was in my head. Here I am 50 years old, widowed just 5 weeks, and I had a date with a man.

But my man was Ted, the light of my life, every sense I know revolved around him.

I am a Doctor, yet even with all of my best efforts, I lost him! The day before his 61st birthday, I woke up, slipped downstairs. I fixed his favorite cup, and took him his morning decaf coffee in bed. I remember reaching out to touch and wake him, and knew instantly at the touch that he was gone.

{Oh God please! Wake up and drink this!}

I sank to my knees and stayed there, finally realizing he lay there quietly, a soft and peaceful smile upon his face. At last, no more pain.

I deeply believe that Ted is here with me. Ok, say I am nuts, maybe I am! But I hear him speak out loud, plain as day.

In that moment between sleep and awareness, sliding amongst the shadows of my room, he comes to me in dreams. I feel him in my mind, reaching for me in that instant where sleep and wakeness blend. I can feel his touch, I let myself go, I orgasm in blinding flashes of light, it has to be him. No one else has ever made me feel like that. I awake, he is gone. Was he here? I think so, I know so. Even if I am wrong, I feel it in my body and mind.

Ted looks after me still.

{I touch myself, still damp from him, then I cry. Is grief endless?}

I am 50, I will be 51 soon. I am one of those who gets shortchanged every year, my birthday is December 27th. I got used to that, everyone I have ever known except for Ted just "combined" Christmas and my birthday.

Silly, yes. But it mattered to me, it is MY day, I wanted it! Ted always gave it to me, he went far above and beyond anything normal to make me the most important part of his life, just two days after Christmas! He knew the one part of life and one's sex life so many miss, he took the time to feed my mind!

But slowly, not suddenly, he was gone from me. Sudden is pain, sadness, it is over and done. The phone rings, a Police Officer at the door, shock then over, just grief and then the financial trappings of death to deal with.

Slowly is day after day of worry and unending pain, feeling helpless but trying, on and on. It is like trying to hold onto a slippery rope, the hands try but fail, a bit at a time.

I had to watch him die over nearly 2 years, that was hard. I see patients regularly who are in similar condition, Ted never did the one thing most do, complain. He just accepted, at least openly.

I read his last stories after his death, and realized my mistake. When Ted was ready to go, I should have let him. He stayed alive for at least an extra year, only because of me. It was just when he could no longer cope that he let go..My fault, my greed, my need, I wanted him with me.

It was only 5 weeks later and I had to go back to work, the walls of my lonely house were climbing in at me. I found myself trying to force myself to sleep, to dream. I was hoping for a moment more, another touch, I realized I was losing control of myself.

So I called Sally, my super, of course they could use me.

Back to the HMO clinic I went, thinking that keeping busy would help me to cope.

And I accepted a date with one of my patients! My 2nd patient of the day, I had to simply be out of my mind! I remember opening my mouth to say, "Thank you, but sorry, I don't date my patients!" and only "OK!" came out.

The guy's name is Norman, he is around 6' and maybe 200#, not bad looking in a weathered male sort of way.

The first time I saw him was in my office, about a year or so ago, a few tests told me he was on the edge of death! He had no idea, even protested when I told him I was sending him to the hospital. I had to get right in his face and order him to do what I said, he blinked and responded after that.

It was a full year since I saw him. I checked him out in the usual fashion, he was healthy as a horse. The medicine and treatments, along with some diet changes seemed to have worked.

Then he asked me to dinner...I said "OK!"...

I stood before the mirror in my bedroom, I had changed clothes at least 15 times. My hair is straight, no amount of work will make it curl very well anyway, a constant irritation to me. I compensate with highlights, it hides the grey pretty well, too.

I looked at my face, nose a bit thin, cheekbones high, tiny trace of somewhere someplace someone oriental, but only a hint of that. My chin is a bit long, I have always hated that, I cover most of that by the way I let my hair frame my face. My hair flows down and over my shoulders, it is longer than the norm and out of style. I worry that the style makes my nose and chin look even bigger, then I don't care. I like my hair, so the hell with anyone else.

Ted used to grab my hair and rub it with his hands in delight, that was always enough for me. Think of having a tiny climax with a man from his playing with your hair, I have done that. The mind is the finest sexual organ of all, this is a fact.

Finally I selected a dark blouse, with touches of color, and a bra that matched even though I almost never wear one. No real need, my breasts are a nice firm 34B cup and don't sag at all. I found a soft contrasting shawl and slipped it over my shoulders, loosely tying it at my waist.

I had on solid color matching grey slacks, they were snug without being tight. No cleavage, I didn't want to appear as a slut to this guy, because we were just going to have dinner, then I was going home!

I had no idea why I was going anywhere with anyone in the first place, and the fact is, if I had his phone number, I would have called and cancelled!

Of course his phone number is on my records at work, but still...you know what I mean!!

I stood around in panic, realizing I was ready to go, and it was 15 minutes early! It flashed in my mind to go jump in Ted's z06 Corvette, and just drive away. I had driven it for the first time only a couple of weeks earlier, it wasn't that hard to do. But I did find myself on a quiet stretch of road and stomped on the gas just to see what it felt like, and almost instantly I was sliding to a stop backwards!

I limped the car back into the garage, reread the notes Ted had left me, and haven't touched it since. That is a little like trying to ride a wild horse, it can be done but it will take some time.

{Looking at the clock.}

"Ignore the clock, it's just a date" filled my mind, as I looked up again at the clock.

Finally, mercifully, the doorbell rang. I took a deep breath, and waited until he rang a second time. I steeled myself, and opened the door.

Norman was dressed in simple slacks and a sports shirt, nothing fancy. Open a button or two at the throat, just the hint of a simple Gold chain peeking out. The ever constant smile was on his face.

"You look fantastic!" he uttered, sincerity in his voice. I managed a thank you, and he reached for my hand.

We walked out to his vehicle, I looked at it for a moment. It was a late model 4x4 Suburu. I suppressed a giggle, Ted would never have even gotten in one of them, he was always insistent on American Iron!

I slipped into the overly comfortable seat, and leaned back as Norman started the engine and off we went. I watched as he deftly worked through the gears, he did seem to know how to drive.

At the restaurant, the attendents opened the doors for us. The driver left with the car, and we were ushered in. Fancy place, it flashed in my kind that hamburgers would be $30 here..

We had Lobster, some odd kind of beans I never saw before, a salad with a dressing that was delightful, a tiny ice cream dish with some type of alcohol poured over it.

Ted and I always lived well, but never fancy, this was fancy! It was even fun, I had to admit, new things, new flavors.

Norman was trying to press conversation, I probably wasn't helping. But there was just one question that was burning me up, finally I found a moment and asked him directly.

"How did you know I was a widow?" I asked.

He hesitated, I saw the hint of a blush, he answered, "I read your story on Literotica, put two and two together, and realized it had to be you!"

I just looked at him in shock!

No way to hide, hell, I hadn't been able to hide from this man from the beginning.

"Did you read Ted's stories?" I had to ask.

"Yes", he told me, "That must have been one hell of a man!"

"He was!" I answered, doing my best to be aloof.

We finished the meal in a very loud silence, the kind that is noticeable.

A band started playing, mercifully. Norman smiled and asked me if I would like to dance, so we got up and did some fumblings on the floor. I would say that was a bit of a struggle, mostly me, I had not been on a dance floor in another man's arms in 20 years!

Ted and I would simply melt into one motion, this was a "Where are you going next?" dance. It wasn't long before I started to laugh. Norman caught up with it, and he was laughing, too.

We went back to our table and sat down, my laughter had changed to tears. I tried to hide it, dabbed at my eyes. I looked up at Norman, his eyes were damp, too. He knew. I could not hide the fact I was comparing him, and he came up short.

Norman took me home and as we stood on the porch, he thanked me, then opened his arms. I slipped into them, warm and strong, the kind of touch a brother gives a sister he loves. Then he kissed me, a light brush of the lips, said "Thanks for a nice evening!" and he was gone. I watched him walk to his car, defeat showed in the slump in his shoulders. Such a fine strong man, most women would be tickled to have his interest. Just not for me. I realized he wouldn't call again, that was all fine with me.

I went inside, looked around. It was quiet and peaceful. I drew a bath, stripping, I stepped naked into the tub.

I lay there and soaked for the longest time, lost in my thoughts. I could live for another 30 years, easily. All alone? I didn't think I could stand that, being here in this beautiful home, surrounded constantly by memories.

I reached for the leather case I had brought from my job. I took the vial, filled the syringe. I lay back, peaceful now, I was ready. I stared at it, my decision, my power. I love the feeling of power, only one man was ever my equal, and he was gone.

I started to slip the needle into my arm, and suddenly Ted's voice said, "NO!! Don't you do that!!"

I sat straight up with a splash, knocking soap bottles off the side of the bath. I dropped the syringe into the tub, thinking crazily that now it was contaminated and I would need a new one. I looked around, fully expecting Ted to be standing there. "What?" I said out loud.

"No!" his voice said, more insistant now. "You will be all right!"

Then silence, no one.

I settled back into the soapy water, feeling for the dropped syringe, being careful to avoid the tip. I found it, then lay there lost in thought, shock, and pain.

{Am I going insane?}

I don't know how long, it was hours. I climbed out of the now cool tub, emptied the syringe into the toilet. I reached in the case and got the vial, and dumped that, too. I clipped the needle into the safety clip, (force of habit) and dropped it into a redbag labeled "sharps". (Another force of habit)

I turned then, looked at myself in the mirror. Full length, good light, I stared intently at myself, naked. I am a very good looking mature woman, I realized.

Out loud, I said, "I will be all right, but I will see you again!"

I heard him. "Yes, I love you!"..I didn't bother to look around, I just smiled.

The next I knew I was awake, 3 AM. I looked at the clock, I was supposed to be to work at 8 AM. Still nude, I slid my legs out of the bed and sat on the edge. Then I felt his breath on my hair, I smelled the hint of sweat and the smokes he tried so hard to hide from me.

"No hurry!" his voice said. "No hurry at all!"

"Ted?" I asked, almost in a daze, as I sat with my head tilted forwards, fully expecting his hands to brush and stroke my neck and shoulders.

I got up and took the pill that Sally at the clinic prescribed for me, it helps. I know I will need them for awhile, they are simply a very mild tranquilizer.

Then I will do as my man said, the silliness is gone now. I will go live, and one day I will find another man. I know it is what Ted would want, I know there is another out there somewhere.

This part is two days later:

The only man who ever managed to be able to tell me what to do, told me what to do!

He did it nearly a Month after his death!

Laugh at that if you like, but if anyone ever does manage to end up with this woman, be warned! Another man is here, and may well always be here. Even if it is just within the recesses of my mind, I am convinced.

I have had a surprising amount of feedback from my earlier attempts at writing this all down. I sincerely appreciate it, it helps me more than you can know.

Please understand me, no amount of bluster or pretend will work with me, I will know. You men can't hide from me, I know you all too well, I had a good teacher.

So go ahead and write me if you like. I may or may not answer. Some like to describe how huge their penis is, you can't fool me there, I know all about that, too! And if it IS as big as you say, you aren't going to put that thing in me anyway, it would hurt!

These are true stories, I don't know how to do anything else.

Just one of you managed to get me to open the email several times, and I have saved it. You said nothing erotic, yet your simple, sweet, and straightforward honesty made my body tingle.

You know who you are. Write me again, I need someone.

But let me proceed at my pace, I am not quite ready yet.

Lee