A Married Man's Guide to Sex

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A primer we husbands need.
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Bakeboss
Bakeboss
1,360 Followers

I realize that as a man with limited sexual knowledge I shouldn't be giving advice on such matters. However as a husband to two women (not at the same time, thank you very much) I do feel I can offer some guidance on this subject.

The men I'm trying to help are the husbands of the world. As far as you men who have girlfriends, or fiancés or even those 'living in sin' as my mother use to say, you may want to keep this text for future reference as your present situation is completely different from ours. For you men are still 'single' by definition and as long as you haven't 'bought the cow', (another saying from my mother) you are probably still getting free 'milk' on a regular basis. Although you 'single men won't believe this at this time but once you she gets you to put that ring on her finger regular sex is a thing of the past.

To most married men the question of the ages is not how do we achieve world peace, but what happened to that wild sex freak that I married. It's almost a guarantee that all that sex on the beach and blow-jobs as you drive down the freeway, in fact just about any blow-jobs disappear once your wild girl friend becomes a proper wife. It's just a fact of life that a woman who has to wash your dirty underwear has no desire to suck your cock.

Thus, the question is how you convince your wife to have sex. Many feel that liquor relaxes the wife and loosens her libido enough so she'll have sex with you. Although I agree with this, it is a slippery slope and needs careful measurement because just enough and it's loving all night. Yet just one once too much and you have a sleeping wife or worse one who's throwing up all night. As much as wine is all right whine is not. You may whine and you might beg but all you're doing is losing what little respect you have left and believe me you're still not getting any. Bringing your wife flowers is nice but it is nothing but a gesture and unless she is already in the mood, it's not going to get you laid.

So what do you need to do to get some? Believe me there's no I-phone app although it would make a nice one. One way to get her in the mood is to be the man of the house. I'm not talking about 'bring me a beer bitch' man of the house but if you're doing your fair share of the chores, I'm telling you that that will impress any woman. If she suddenly finds the trash has been dumped without asking or maybe the sink is clean when she walks into the kitchen it will make your wife's panties wet. Face it men, most of us are helpless around the house, we ruin laundry and even we won't eat half of the food we prepare so if there's something we can accomplish to help, we need to do and do it often. Don't wait to be asked because it's the volunteering that's the Aphrodisiac not the chore itself.

Do you remember what you had to go through to pick up women when you were single? Try a little of that finesse on your spouse, she may be your wife but she still likes to hear she looks pretty in that dress or maybe a 'I like your hair that way.' How much persiflage did you listen to with that fake interested smile of yours still knowing the whole time that you didn't have a prayer of getting laid. Well it kind of like that with your wife except you have a better chance of scoring by listening to her frivolous banter.

Now as to what to do once you get your better half in the mood. I can't believe I'd need to tell a married man to make sure his wife gets hers too. I mean how many husbands are left out there who don't understand that his wife also needs to get off. Each wife is different so there is no way to tell you how but you need to understand that if she isn't enjoying sex then she's going to be harder to convince to have sex. Just because you may have to work a little harder doesn't matter, she still deserves an orgasm at least as much as you and it is up to you to insure she has one.

As most of you realize this piece is written tongue in cheek, and yet it is still based mostly in fact and if taken as such it can be used as a primer for all of us. Fellow husbands let us keep in mind as we plod along in life with our only goal just to keep our noses above water, that to think of your life mate. Just remember that even the slightest kindness can improve her day and if you can improve her day, she just might make you night.

Bakeboss
Bakeboss
1,360 Followers
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NYbiwmNYbiwmover 2 years ago

Outstanding, Practical (not glorious) suggestions that I.m.h

boatbummboatbummabout 6 years ago
Persiflage!

Wow, I haven't seen that word used in a sentence in decades! ;-)

LMAO at most of this, enjoyed the tongue-in-cheekiness a lot. That said, the last two paragraphs are the gospel truth.

Be kind and loving, be helpful and thoughtful in the tasks of daily living, be a considerate lover (do your very best make sure she comes first - and often if you're skilled at pushing her buttons), and be affectionate and loving everywhere - not just in the bedroom.

Thanks much for fun little read!

fanfarefanfarealmost 9 years ago
very interesting...

....very insightful on behalf of many spouses but not all. We all have biological differences and with different psychological pressures throughout our lives. Adapt and evolve has to be the credo for each person and every family. And at best, most of us just sort of muddle through life.

I find it interesting that more than half the commentators have been women. Each bringing their own perspective to this discussion. Too often on the Literotica site, the nasty little trollboys will scare women from participating in a round-robin.

Oh, and as for the Kuma Sutra and other such "marital aids"? I realize most of you, your knowledge of history and herstory are warped by hollywood and harlequin romance novels. In reality, those visualization of sexual acrobatics, "marital" should be spelled "martial".

Those paintings were images of teenage cavalrymen and teenage temple dancers. In superb physical shape and expertly trained in the erotic arts.

I still cringe when I remember the time my wife and I, both middle-age and sedentary, attempted to emulate some of the more complex gymnastics. Utter disaster!

It was weeks before I could have an erection again without screaming. And my wife had to have surgery. Perhaps six months before we got back to regular lovemaking.

Do you have any idea how totally humiliating it is to be in a waiting room, with several women in several stages of pregnancy. And have a Gynecological Surgeon burst in and loudly chew me out for our stupid attempt at sexual athleticism!

Fortuitously, the women waiting to see their doctors, were all so pregnant that they were unable to move fast enough to catch me. Cause I'm sure I would have otherwise taken a severe beating.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Some Comments

To: “This is how I solved the problem.”

Regarding your post about lack of sex in the marriage:

“Show a woman you don't care one way or the other and she'll make it her lifes work to get you interested again.”

I can tell you that my husband never initiates sex in the marriage anymore, and it has had quite the opposite effect on me. I no longer feel desired by him or sexy at all, and the effect is that we never have sex. When I get the “urge”, I would much rather get off with my vibrator than have sex with him, because I have no sexual feeling for him anymore. So I would highly NOT recommend your method of “solving the problem” because I cannot understand how making your spouse feel as if you don’t care whether you have sex or not, would improve your sex life.

Also,

To: “From a wife”

Regarding your post :

“Remember the stuff you did to hook us? It's true, if you stop doing it we stop acting like "the girlfriend". My husband holds open the door, says You look amazing in that and Bam! I'm in the mood.”

Wow I can’t agree more. This should be printed on premarital counseling information. When men stop treating their women like they are special, the women stop feeling loved and treasured. When that emotional connection is lost, the women shut down, and the “loving” stops.

It all starts and stops with the men. I suggest they stop being lazy and selfish and treat their wives like they did when they were courting/dating her. If you don’t want to put in the effort, get a damn divorce and quit making the poor woman feel guilty for not having sex with your lazy ass. If men can’t even make an effort with their wife, I suggest they just become single again and get a whore.

unicorn64unicorn64over 10 years ago

Believe me as a wife whose body shut down thus becoming a shrew, the number one reason a wife stops having sex or cheats is not giving her an orgasm. Men as much as you say a hard on can hurt, a woman who is constantly denied being satisfied hurts also. Shame on you if you can't tell a fake orgasm from a real one. I admit it, I faked them and out of probably 25 men only 2 told me I had faked it and ask why. My reason was one I didn't want to disappoint you and two I did not want to hurt your feelings, then after so much disappointment myself I would just get to the point of getting it over with. Men who don't know how to bring your wife or girlfriend to orgasm should look up Jason Julius on the internet. He has figured out how. He is of course trying to sell his Blueprint to the female orgasm but also has some free videos telling showing how to bring her to a squirting G-spot orgasm. Or on you/porn look up the squirtinator who shows you using a real girl how to. I am convinced that if a man used these techniques on me I would have a squirting orgasm. I have links saved to them. My husband with his dementia and the brain damage he has suffered can not comprehend what they are saying and if he does can not remember what to do for five minutes. Also you must be dominate in the bedroom. I don' t mean you have to beat her or hurt her. I just know one man I knew took total control over me and used foreplay quite well to get me so extremely excited also telling me how sexy I was and brought me to one exquisite orgasm. Remember the ads and/or porns as well as movies and magazines depict the female1 sexy body to look like this model or that model so we sometimes have hangups about our own bodies because we don't all have that model or porn star body. I even used to be embarrased by my genitals. You need to tell us we look beautiful down there. Help us please you by pleasing us. Most of you will laugh thinking you know how to do these things but another problem is some women do not know themselves . So you either want to please your women of you don't and I am convinced most of you look at us as nothing more than 3 orifices to penetrate and shoot into.

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