A Mother's Sacrifice

Oh my God! Those words kept going through my mind. Where had this come from? Did I do something wrong? I was always very affectionate with Tommy. Even at nineteen I still gave him a kiss on the cheek whenever I came or went, and sometimes a hug as well, but nothing I thought was inappropriate. No, there was no way I could have led him on. I....I was his mother! Torn between the disturbing words in front of me and my racing mind, I hesitated, and with an air of resignation, started turning the pages again.

The next entry I spotted caused a sharp twist in my already turning stomach.

I reached a new low tonight. I had dropped my wallet while mowing the lawn and was underneath Mom's window looking for it. I heard a noise and when I peeked in her window under the blind I saw her playing with herself. She was on top of the covers, and her robe was open and damn did she look good! She was playing with one of her nipples and her hand was between her legs. She moved it and I could see her pussy. I told myself to walk away, but I couldn't stop watching. The look on her face when she came made me want to cum. I want to make her make that face! She's too sweet and hot to be alone! She shouldn't be doing that herself. God how I want to touch her and taste her and her to taste me! We'd fuck fast and hard the first time, then I would go slow and sweet like Lisa liked it, show her how much I love her how much I...

Unable to take anymore I slammed the book shut. Sitting back in the chair I rubbed at my now throbbing temples. My son wanted to have sex with me! Not just sex, but he was thinking along the lines of those movies. "We'd fuck fast and hard the first time"

Now that I knew what the hell was I supposed to do? If I told him, he would know I was snooping, but there was no way I could ignore this. I closed my eyes, trying to focus and come up with how the hell I could even start this conversation. So Tommy, what's this I hear about you wanting me to blow you? Tommy was going to need help, there was no doubt about that. Maybe I could make an appointment with someone and talk to him there. No, I should bring it up to him first.

I could feel tears beginning to fill my eyes. Where had I gone wrong? This at least explained everything. Why he always looked away when I looked at him, how nervous he had been and why he kept playing twenty questions with my sex life. With a sinking feeling I realized that it meant I had been right, he had been staring at my legs. I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of the front door opening and closing. I felt my heart start to pound in my chest as I heard Tommy walking down the hallway.

Staying in his chair I looked to see that the journal was close to where it was when I entered. Moving quickly, I opened the lap top and clicked Explorer. I made a show of staring at the computer as I heard him getting closer. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my teary eyes.

"Mom?" Tommy asked, entering the room. "What are you doing?"

I paused, taking a couple of seconds to make sure I could keep my voice steady. Then, spinning the office chair around faced him.

"Oh, I had to put my sales in and you have my cord."

To my credit, I sounded a little tense, but for the most part not too bad.

"Oh." Tommy's eyes narrowed and he started to say something, but I cut him off.

"What are you doing home? It's only a little after ten?"

Tommy shrugged and his eyes began darting around.

"We grabbed some food, but when we got to the club it was full and I didn't feel like going to the one they wanted to try so they dropped me off."

When he stopped his eyes made their way back to me, then jerked away.

"Is something wrong Tommy?" I asked, thinking maybe he was wondering if I looked through the journal.

"Well I..." pointing at me he said softly. "Your robe."

With a start it occurred to me I was wearing the short red robe, the one he had commented on and the one that showed way more than it should. Looking down, my eyes widened. When I had reached in to play with myself, it had opened and my tits were partially exposed. My nipples weren't showing, but it was dam close. Blushing I started to close the robe, and then stopped as an idea struck me. There was still a chance this was not as bad as it seemed. There was no doubt there was a problem, but maybe it was just a fantasy. What if he was confronted with a chance to make it real? Would he take me up on it, or realize it was wrong and back off.

You're sick Joanne, I thought, but this would be the only way to know for sure. Giving him what I hoped to be an inviting smile, I whispered, "Tommy, come here."

"Uh...Okay."

He walked over until he was standing directly in front of me. I saw his eyes lock onto my chest, then drop down where he was confronted with the sight of my legs. I noticed he was rocking nervously back and forth and looked like a deer in headlights.

"What is it honey?" I asked, giving my hair a toss.

"Your robe Mom." He repeated. "You um....might want to fix that."

"Do you want me too?" Oh Joanne, this is so wrong!

"I..." he looked confused.

"Tommy, honey do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Very!" he said immediately

"How about sexy?" I ran my hands down along my sides, causing the robe to open just a little more. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

"You....you're my Mother." He said quietly, giving me a ray of hope.

"So you don't think your Mom's sexy?" I pushed my lips into a pout.

Tommy stared at me and his eyes were now locked onto my partially visible tits. He licked his lips nervously and I could feel my heart pounding.

"Do...do you want me too?" he asked.

His eyes had widened and that ray of hope appeared to be fading. He was now staring down at my legs again and his hand came forward as if he were going to touch my thigh, but stopped. Okay it was time to get this over with.

Grabbing the sides of my robe, I made as if I were going to open it and pausing, swallowed hard and forced the words from my mouth.

"Tommy would you like to see my tits?"

"What?" he exclaimed.

Keeping my voice low, more to cover up my nerves than to sound sexy, I pressed on.

"I asked you if you'd like to see my tits?" I pushed myself to wink "All you have to do is ask." I shrugged, "Unless of course, you don't want to, it's up to you."

Tommy was rocking back and forth on his feet faster and I could see him starting to breathe hard. He was beginning to blush as well. His eyes were glued to my chest and he seemed to be struggling to speak.

"Mom." He began softly.

Please say no! I thought desperately, Please, please, please!

Tommy gave me that shy smile I so loved, and said,

"Mom, may I please see your beautiful tits?"

*****

I sat there in the waiting room of the therapist's office, trying hard to focus on the issue of People I was holding. It was no good, I couldn't concentrate. Even if I could the fact that my hands were shaking would make reading difficult anyway. I put the magazine down and tried to force myself to relax. The fact Tommy was in there talking to Doctor Judy as she referred to herself, was a good thing. This was where he belonged, getting help for hi unnatural attraction to me. This was his third visit here and I would have thought I would be more relaxed.

I didn't have to be here, but truth be told I didn't trust Tommy to show up on his own. He was totally embarrassed to be here, and I wasn't even sure if he was even really talking to Judy in there. The first visit she had wanted to speak to both of us about what was going on and I did most of the talking. I admit to being able to understand Tommy's reticence to speak about our situation as I could barely get the words out. It certainly wasn't easy to tell this woman what I had found in Tommy's journal and that my son desired me.

Judy was very soothing and informed us that this was not the first time she had dealt with this and that Oedipus complexes were more common than I would think. She brought up the incest site and pointed out it wouldn't exist if thousands of people weren't going to it because they had that fantasy. She told Tommy that he wasn't a sick individual, but that his love for me was becoming confused, now seeing me the way he would a lover rather than a parent. After asking Tommy several questions and only receiving a shrug for an answer, she had asked to speak with him alone for a few minutes.

In fifteen minutes, she called me in to speak alone and told me Tommy wasn't very responsive and the only thing he really said, was that he was not sure what had brought this on, but once it started he couldn't get it out of his mind. She told me that when point blanked asked if I let him would he have sex with me, he said yes with no hesitation, but added that it was more than sex he wanted to love me as well. At that point I forced myself to quote his journal entry where he had said "The first time we'll fuck fast and hard, then we'll go nice and sweet"

She assured me that this was curable, that it was just a matter of her figuring out how to get him to see it was wrong and to get him to see me as just his mom again. I voiced my concern that I had done something wrong, that maybe I was too affectionate or dressed improperly or had somehow led him on. Judy told me that it wasn't me and not to feel guilty and to do the best I could to keep things normal between Tommy and I while she helped us work through this.

That was easier said than done. To say things were strained between us was an understatement. Although I told myself Judy was right and to act normally, after all Tommy was my son and I loved him dearly, I was having a hard time. Whenever I would see him looking at me, I would feel self-conscious and several times started to blush. Once Tommy saw I'd seen him looking he would turn away and leave the room.

The hugs and kisses on the cheeks I used to give him all the time had become few and far between. I tried, but when I hugged him, I was tense and knew he could feel it. Once I held him longer, trying to relax and he had put his head on my shoulder. As had happened that Friday night, I felt his lips on my neck and without meaning to had jerked away from him. Tommy had looked as if he were going to cry and stormed into his room. I had also changed the way I dressed. Around the house all I was wearing was loose fitting sweat pants and baggy t-shirts. I know Tommy noticed and was sure it made him feel worse, but I was no longer comfortable showing my legs or wearing anything tight.

Judy had encouraged us to talk about it, but we couldn't. In fact we hadn't discussed it since the night I had read his journal and after losing my cool and yelling at him when he had asked to see my tits, all I could get from him was he just wanted to love me, really love me as he put it. I told him he needed help and he started to cry. I wanted to hold him, but was afraid to and had sat there in tears myself. Judy was someone who was referred to me through a friend and I had gotten in to see her three days after I had found out about Tommy's feelings for me. Fact was, I was not upset we weren't discussing it, I had no clue what to say and figured I would only make things worse.

Well a couple of nights ago things had gotten worse, much worse. Monday night I dreamed I slept with Tommy. No, let's be honest, I'd dreamt of my son fucking me. In the dream he had woken me by slipping into my bed and immediately started kissing me, I tried to push him away, but his hand was caressing my tit and I succumbed to his touch. The dream had been as hardcore as any of those sick movies. Tommy going down on me and me screaming as I came, me on my knees sucking his cock and taking every drop, the two of us fucking in every position. When I awoke sweating, my heart pounding I was appalled to discover I was wet.

I lay awake for hours, totally disgusted. I finally told myself it meant nothing. Tommy's attraction to me had been the focus of my thoughts for three weeks, so it was bound to affect me. Still I didn't like the vividness of the dream or how worked up I was when I woke up. That morning all Tommy did was walk into the kitchen and I had blushed furiously. He saw it and after mumbling something about work, almost ran out of the house. Last night "I'd had a similar dream except this time we were in the shower. My legs were around Tommy's waist and my fingernails were digging into his shoulders as he fucked the shit out of me against the wall. Again I'd woke up aroused and was wondering if I should mention this to Judy.

I decided against it. This was a reaction to what was going on and that was it. Once Tommy got better I would forget all about it. I was pulled from my thoughts by the door to Judy's door opening. Tommy came out and looked more nervous than ever. When he approached me, I stood up and asked, "Hey how did it go today?"

Tommy shook his head and I saw he was blushing and seemed flustered.

"What's the matter h....Tommy?"

I caught myself at the last minute. Since this had started, I had stopped calling him honey. I felt bad because I always felt that despite his age Tommy liked it, but now was afraid he liked it too much.

"I..." he shook his head, "Judy wants me to..." he trailed off and looked away from me.

"Wants you to what?"

Tommy pointed back over his shoulder.

"She'll tell you, she wants to talk to you."

I didn't like the sound of that. I started to ask Tommy what she wanted, but he had sat down and with a sigh, put his head in his hands. Turning away, I entered Judy's office and closed the door behind me. Judy, a tall woman with short blond hair that was maybe a couple of years older than me, was sitting behind her desk and looking up waved me over to the seat in front of her desk.

"Come on over Joanne," she said, "Would you like some coffee?"

"No thanks."

I sat down across from her and asked,

"So, any progress?"

Judy sat back and sighed.

"Well on the subject of Tommy's obsession, not at all."

"He's not talking about it still?" I asked disappointed.

"No, in fact he did talk today." Judy nodded.

"Well that's progress." I said hopefully.

"That he's talking yes." She agreed. "But as for what he was saying? Joanne, he is really obsessed with you."

"No shit," I snapped, "That's why we're here."

I felt bad the instant I'd said that, and started to apologize, but she waved me off.

"I know you're upset and you have a right to be." She said quietly. "But there are levels, when I've seen this before I had the feeling it was a passing thing, or not that deep, but Tommy really wants you."

"Have we got to why yet?"

"Honestly Joanne, I think it's tied to you being alone. Tommy wants you to be happy, he wants you to be satisfied, he's mentioned you're far too attractive to be alone."

"And he thinks that he's the answer?" I asked.

"Pretty much, he brought up that you've spoken of your inability to be with another man. He also confessed after I mentioned his journal entry that he knows you masturbate every night."

"Oh, for Christ's sake," I muttered feeling myself turning crimson.

"It's natural Joanne," she laughed. "Anyway, he knows you want it and can't pull the trigger. Tommy wants you happy, but also knows you don't really want to replace his father." She paused and seemed to be trying to choose her words. "Long story short, he wants to take his father's place as being the man who is good to you in every way. Not just sexually, but emotionally as well, he not only desires you, but believes he now loves you in that way."

"Well that can't happen, so what now?"

"Joanne, I think the only way Tommy will get past this is to live out the fantasy, get it out of his system."

"What?" I exclaimed. "Are you telling me to have sex with my son?"

Before I could stop it, the image of Tommy and I naked in my bed appeared in my mind. I quickly shoved it away and started to stand, this was bullshit.

"Easy Joanne," Judy put her hands up. "Of course I'm not saying that."

"You just said you think he needs to act out his fantasy." I said in a calmer tone as I sat back down.

"Key word is fantasy." Judy said, "Joanne, have you ever heard of a sexual surrogate?"

I felt my stomach sink, I'd read about them in a cosmo article once.

"They're women who help people get over sex issues right?" I asked.

"Pretty much. So what we...."

"You want my son to sleep with a total stranger?"

"Joanne, I think this is the only way." Judy began. "I have a woman who is in her late thirties which is enough of an age difference and I'll have her dye her hair red and..."

"Oh my God!" I gasped. "You're going to make her look like me?"

"Right down to green contacts." Judy nodded. "This way..."

I cut her off again.

"Let me get this straight, you want my son to have sex with some whore who's going act like me and let him call her mom?" I shook my head. "First off, it's disgusting, second of all she's not me, so what's the point?"

"The point is that Tommy gets his fantasy." Judy explained. "Yes he knows it's not you and I know he'll be hesitant, but this woman has done this before and..." she looked away from me. "Will be very persuasive."

"I can't believe I'm talking about this." I sighed disgustedly. "Where does this happen?"

"At a hotel. She'll be the aggressor. She will come onto him as his mother." Judy shrugged. "The videos on the site you linked me to were quite explicit, she'll be that way. Ask him if he wants his mother too..."

"I know what he wants." I cut her off.

"If he doesn't cave to that she'll try the sweet approach."

"What if he doesn't respond?" I asked.

Judy smiled.

"Joanne, Tommy is nineteen, a breeze will get him going and this woman is quite attractive, he'll respond."

I sat there feeling like this had to be a dream. Slumping back in my chair, I asked.

"And you think this will cure him?"

"Definitely." Judy said. "Last year I had a similar case with a brother obsessed with his sister, worked perfectly."

"Still don't see how."

"It can work two ways." Judy put her finger up. "One, he starts and after they get hot and heavy Tommy realizes how wrong it really is to speak to his mother that way so to speak and stops. Which will show him he was wrong to feel this way."

"That would be good." I nodded.

"Or, he goes through with it and he fulfills the fantasy, or as close as he knows he can get."

"Tommy was upset when he came out; I take it he doesn't want to?"

"He said she's not you and he won't do it."

"Then it won't...."

"Joanne, it will work. I kept at him to do it even if to prove me wrong."

"What did he say?" I asked.

Judy pointed at me.

"He said he would let you decide. If you say for him too, he will."

I sat back and thought about it. Essentially I was sending my son to sleep with a prostitute. A Prostitute he was going to call mom while she acted like a porn star. The entire time he would be fucking her he would be thinking of me. But Judy seemed to think it would get him over it and I didn't like how awkward we were with each other. Tommy had already lost his father I didn't want him to think he would lose me.

"Okay." I said softly. "Set it up."

Judy nodded.

"I know this isn't easy, but it's the right thing to do." She paused then asked.

"Joanne, what about you? Tommy told me about Jeff, do you want to talk about it sometime with me?"

"No." I shook my head. "I...I'll get over it. I just get nervous that's all."

"You sure?"

"I think so." I told her.

"You're probably right." Judy said. "I bet you'll be fine, it's just a matter of meeting the right man."

"How will I know?" I asked.

"Simple." Judy shrugged, "You won't be nervous."

"You make it sound easy."

"It is." She smiled and picked up her pen. "So when do you want me to set this up for Tommy."