A Nerd's Guide To Getting Hooked Up

4. The Wow Level

Look at you now, thumping a girl’s love pocket at the end of a beautiful date in which you barely spilled any marinara on the only tie you own. Now you have a story to tell your nerd friends, but could there possibly be another level you could take this thing to? Maybe she doesn’t have to believe you were a one-night stand with average kissing technique and a larger penis than she’d first imagined. No, maybe you’re the boy who will give her the freedom to fulfill her most wanton, slutty, orgasmic desires, maybe for more than one night. What can we say -- you really DID make her feel appreciated and safe throughout the evening, even when you were ejaculating inside her. Perhaps a second round of naughtiness is in order… or even more?

A. CONTINUE TO COMMUNICATE

Keep up the good work sending and receiving signals with your date. Tell her you’d love to have sex again, if she’s up for it. She’s a chick, so of course she is, and she’ll be impressed that you’re still such a goddamn gentleman. Once you’re touching her body again, switch from verbal communication back to body language.

B. FIND OUT WHAT SHE WANTS

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen… either with your hands or your ears. If she responds well when you pinch her nipples, that means you need to keep paying attention to her breasts. Even when she asks what you want, try to figure out what she wants to hear, and say that. (I know it’s dishonest, but she really just wants another orgasm, so give her one.) Don’t ever try any of that kinky shit without finding out whether it’s okay or not. And that doesn’t mean you can just ask her out of the clear black sky, “Hey, you like anal?” Keep making her feel safe with questions like, “So what do you want to do next?” or even, “I’m game for any position you need.”

C. LEARN THE BASICS, THEN GO BEYOND

What do nerds do better than anyone? They become obsessed with one subject and become an expert in it. The time has come for you to become an expert on the female sexual process. You MUST BELIEVE that no man within a fifty-mile radius knows more about how to suck a clitoris, or how to sustain a girl’s multiple orgasms. I mean, all you have to do is type “female orgasm” in the web browser’s search window to find out what you need to do. Think of this successful date as a field test to find out what works and what doesn’t. (Just because a webpage says a certain technique is sure-fire doesn’t mean you keep trying it even when you aren’t seeing any results from it.) IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT, you could be having sloppy sweat-dripping sex for hours and hours. Don’t forget to give your dick a rest and just finger or eat her when you need to. She won’t mind, trust me.

D. KEEP SOME THINGS TO YOURSELF, YOU TWISTED GEEK

It may seem as though you’ve finally found someone you can share everything with, simply because you’re having so much good sex in one night, but that illusion is deadly. You, my nerdy friend, do not think like the rest of society, and that means some of the sex fantasies going on in your head are a little… well, creepy. When in doubt, stay silent. Just because she says she likes anal sex doesn’t mean you can offer your own ass up for her strap-on. It can be very tricky figuring out what will turn OFF a girl, even though so many of them are turned ON by the same things. Like I said… if it’s something you’ve hidden from the world for years, it won’t hurt to keep it hidden a bit longer.

E. DON’T RUN OFF

What the fuck? You scheduled time at your place to watch “Die Hard” with some buddies when you got home from the date? What a dumbass. Once you finish having sex with the girl, stick around and hold her until she falls asleep, then stay in the bed and fall asleep yourself. You want a second date, don’t you??? Then don’t ask why, nerd, just do it.

Conclusion

I can’t believe you’ve come so far in such a short period of time. Yes, I said “come,” now stop giggling. Deep down in your heart of hearts, you’re still a big nerd. And deep down, so is that business-guy with the perfect hair. Hey, who doesn’t like a good game of X-Box shoot-’em-up every once in a while? But there’s no reason you should let your nerdy pursuits stand in the way of dating and sex. If you follow each step in this process, you’ll greatly increase your odds of “getting some.” You may even be less of a hopeless loser in lots of other social contexts. We can only hope!

Write and tell me how the date went, okay? Glad I could help.