A Really Bad Day Ch. 02

'Oh nothing really, I'm just being silly.'

'Don't give me that woman, talk to me.'

'I was just a bit jealous really, of you dancing with those girls.'

'Jealous? Of them? Jess they're all married or spoken for and straight. Besides, I'm here with the most gorgeous woman in the room and you're worried I might go off with someone else?' I was incredulous that Jess would even think such a thing and it must have shown on my face.

'Oh no – I didn't mean jealous like that and I wasn't thinking you'd cheat on me, honest Chris. It's just that I want to be able to dance with you but I can't, not here anyway, the music would have to be loud enough to deafen everyone else.' And she smiled at me but I could see the sadness in her eyes; could see another reason for her to be down on herself because of her deafness.

'Right then, come on lets go' I said as I jumped up off the sofa, tugging Jess up with me.

'But it's still early.'

'We're not going home, we're just leaving here.' And with that I sought Michelle out and said our goodbyes and called a taxi.

Jess kept quizzing me about where we were going but I wouldn't tell her and she kept looking at me quizzically during the taxi ride, but fortunately it wasn't light enough in the car for conversation.

When we pulled up outside of a night club she turned to me and beamed that glorious smile at me.

'You said you wanted to dance with me, so I thought the music would be loud enough here?'

'Oh Chris, you didn't have to do this!'

'No I didn't have to, but I wanted to. If you want to dance then lets dance!' I was absolutely determined that Jess wasn't going to descend into a funk because of something she couldn't do due to her lack of hearing and it seemed I'd hit the jackpot with this idea.

Fortunately the pubs hadn't kicked out yet so there wasn't much of a queue and as soon as we entered the main room I could feel the vibrations through my chest, so I was pretty sure this would be good enough for Jess but I wasn't taking any chances.

After a brief stop at the bar I dragged her as close to the DJ as we could get where there was a massive stack of speakers from floor to ceiling. You could feel the vibrations through the floor and as soon as we put our drinks down on a table Jess was swaying in time with the music, her slinky black dress sliding over her curves as she moved, drawing attention from all around us.

I moved closer to her in a deliberate move to show she was taken. I'm not the jealous type but I didn't want Jess to have to fend off unwanted advances when she may not be able to understand what people were saying, so I wrapped my arms possessively around her waist from behind, loving the feel of her in my embrace as she pressed back against me.

Now if I'm being honest I'm not a huge fan of dancing or nightclubs but Jess was in heaven and her enthusiasm was infectious. I relinquished my hold after we'd made the point but I don't think there was a single second in the next two hours when we weren't touching in some way and Jess's sensuous movements in that dress were beginning to drive me to distraction.

I pulled Jess into me and looked into her eyes as she wound her arms around my neck, glad that I didn't have to shout over the music to be understood.

'I want you.'

Her answer was a deep and passionate kiss, followed by her grabbing my hand and leading me toward the exit.

As we stood in the queue at the taxi rank Jess hugged me tightly and kissed me in a way that made me blush in public; seems she wanted me too and as her kiss deepened and her hand slid inside the back of my shirt I could feel my body responding as my nipples hardened and my panties got soaked.

'Thank you so, so much Chris, that was totally awesome, I've had the best night! Your friends were wonderful and I haven't danced like that in years, you really are too good to me you know' and she kissed me once more.

I was pulled out of our lustful clinch by a man saying something, so I looked up over Jess's shoulder.

'Are you getting in this taxi or not? If not, I'll have it – for god's sake get a room!' but he was smiling as he said it and the bulge in his jeans displayed just how much he'd liked the show.

'Sorry' I stammered, blushing wildly and I turned Jess toward the waiting taxi.

She stopped dead in her tracks as she turned and went rigid. The man who had spoken did the same. They just stared at each other until Jess finally said something.

'Long time no see Phil.'

'Jessica? Is that really you? Were you just kissing that woman? What the fuck?'

'Like you care.' And she tugged me into the waiting car.

The journey home was made in silence apart from the constant beeping coming from Jess's handbag. Someone was sending her a lot of texts and it wasn't me. I knew her ex boyfriend was called Phil so it didn't take a genius to deduce who was now texting her every couple of minutes.

Jess was aware of the messages coming in, I could see her flinch every time her handbag vibrated but she just sat there as still as a board until we got to her place and Jess headed straight for the booze cupboard and poured herself a large measure of brandy, which she downed in one gulp before pouring another for each of us.

I'm not usually stuck for words, in fact some would say that I should shut up a bit more often but right now I couldn't think of a damn word to say that didn't sound ridiculous, so I plumped for the obvious to try and start the conversation.

'So that was Phil then?'

'I don't want to talk about him.'

'Are you at least going to read his texts?'

'No.'

'Oh come on Jess, this isn't going to go away by ignoring it. Seeing him has had a pretty profound effect on your mood, at least talk to me.'

Jess stood and stalked off to the kitchen for more brandy and returned to sit in the armchair opposite rather than on the sofa next to me. We were only a few feet apart but somehow the distance felt like a yawning chasm that I was unable to cross.

I had never seen Jess like this before. I'd seen her profoundly happy and sad, I'd witnessed confusion and shock, I'd seen her sob her heart out and scream in ecstasy, but I'd never seen the blank look that she had in her eyes right now. She seemed to have withdrawn into her own little world and barely noticed I was there, I could almost hear the mental shutters coming down around her, closing me out as effectively as a physical wall had been placed between us .

'How about we just call it a night, maybe things will be easier to deal with after a good nights sleep?'

She looked at me with what appeared to be a mixture of fear, sadness and confusion before finally putting her glass down and standing up.

The earlier passion was gone now and I couldn't help but worry when rather than snuggling up into my side, or pushing her arse back into me as we spooned, Jess sought the farthest reaches of the bed and lay with her back to me, almost as if I wasn't there.

Sleep didn't come easily to either of us but eventually I dropped off into a troubled slumber from which I awoke feeling groggy and tired. I rolled over to find that Jess's side of the bed was empty and cold so I got up, dressed and headed into the kitchen to find Jess sat at the counter staring into a cup of tepid tea.

I walked up and put my arms around her, startled at the way her body stiffened at my touch, wondering just what was going on in Jess's head to cause such a severe reaction.

'Hey Jess, you want to talk about it?' and I tried to kiss her lightly on the lips but she turned her head away, leaving me hanging. 'Come on Jess, you have to speak to me.' I pleaded.

'I'm sorry Chris, I was right the first time. I should have taken this slower, I don't think I can do this.'

'Are you still in love with Phil?' I asked, dreading the answer as the question left my lips.

'No. I don't know. That's the first time I've seen him since he left me.'

'Have you read his texts?'

'Um yeah. Seems he wants me back, wants to give it another go.'

'You have to be kidding me? He dumps you, doesn't even speak to you in years and then gets turned on by seeing you kiss another woman and suddenly wants you back?' I was fuming now. Fuming at the audacity of the wanker of an ex boyfriend who abandoned her and fuming at Jess who was obviously considering the idea.

'Chris, you have to understand, my world crashed when he left me, I fell apart.'

'So what – now you want to give him another chance to hurt you all over again? What about us?'

'I think you should leave now.' And with that Jess walked into the bedroom and shut the door firmly behind her.

I walked the 3 miles home, thinking the exercise would be good for me, would help me clear my head. It didn't, the only thing it did was get me odd looks from people I passed who must have wondered why I was stumbling along like a drunk woman, sobbing and muttering to myself.

I got home, crawled into bed and stayed there for the rest of the day, leaving the bedroom only for more tissues and a bottle of whiskey, which I used to good advantage by drinking myself back into an alcohol induced sleep.

I awoke on Saturday deeply depressed and with a hangover to make matters worse. I kept looking at my phone in the hope that I'd missed a text from Jess but the screen was blank. Eventually I took the plunge and sent her a message simply asking if she was ok but I didn't get a response.

I wavered between a deep sense of loss and regret, to feeling dangerously angry. How dare this woman play with me like that. How dare she pick me up and throw me away like a toy that's gone out of favour. Just who did she think she was, using me for a bit of fun and then breaking my heart when she couldn't be bothered anymore? The answer was always clear though – no matter what she'd done or how she'd treated me, I loved her. And I'd lost her. And it hurt.

On Sunday lunchtime I was sat in a restaurant with my Mum, trying to behave as if I wasn't falling apart inside. I thought I was doing pretty well until she reached across the table and took my hand, saying 'trouble in paradise Darling?' and so I told her. I told her everything significant that Jess and I had done over the last week and how it had all gone horribly wrong, and you know what? She laughed!

'Oh Darling, she just needs a little bit more time. Since when were you such a quitter anyway? I've seen you fight much harder for less important things, so why are you just giving up on the woman you love without even trying?'

'Mum I don't know what to do, for the first time in my life I feel truly out of my depth. I don't want to harass her but I can't stand the thought of her going back to him after the way he treated her.'

'Chris I've seen the way she looks at you. I've seen the way you look at each other and it speak louder than words ever could. She's just had a big shock and is obviously a bit confused; you have to remember that you knew you were gay from an early age – this is all new to Jessica. You just have to be there for her when she comes calling, which she will you mark my words, but give her space to make her own decisions in the mean time. Just make sure that sure that she knows you love her.'

I love my Mum – a lot. Much as I wanted to scream and shout and rail against the world I knew that she was right – she always is. I would make sure that Jess knew I was there for her and then I would just let her be for a while. If she came back to me then all well and good and I would make it as easy for her as possible; if not – well I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

When I got home I logged on to my laptop and sent her a short email that just said 'Hey Jess, I hope you're ok? Thinking of you and am here if you need me. Love Chris xxx'

Then I ordered a huge bouquet of flowers to be delivered the next day with a simple message that said 'Just because....Chris xx'

I felt calmer now somehow after my talk with Mum and much as the prospect of losing Jess wasn't a happy one, I knew that she would come back to me if she wanted to and if she didn't, then we just weren't meant to be together.

The following week was full of late nights at work getting everything set up for the orders we'd recently won, which was a bonus for me as it kept me busy and kept my mind occupied. By the time I got home in the evening I was so shattered that I literally fell into bed as soon as I'd eaten. I didn't stop thinking about Jess, or stop checking my phone and email every few minutes but at least I wasn't pining too badly. I hadn't seen Jess's car in the car park for the whole week, but I knew she worked from home sometimes so I wasn't too worried.

By Friday evening I was so worn out I got in from work and showered, falling onto the sofa as I waited for a takeaway to be delivered. It was now almost a full week and I hadn't heard from Jess at all and now that the business of the working week was gone my mind was beginning to torture me again.

I was on the verge of sending her a text when I was pleased to hear the doorbell chime, so I grabbed my purse and headed for the door to collect my takeaway.

'Oh Hi!' I said, surprised to find Jess's brother David stood on my doorstep.

'Can I come in? I really need to speak to you about Jess and I need to return this.' I stood back from the door and he walked past me, handing the money I'd lent him to me as he came in.

'How did you know where I lived?'

'Sorry, your contact details were on Jess's fridge; I copied them when she wasn't looking.' He was standing in the middle of the living room, looking distinctly uncomfortable and shuffling from foot to foot.

'Jess doesn't know you're here does she?' This sudden realisation made my heart sink for some reason.

'No but I need to speak to you. Chris, Jess is in a hell of a mess. She won't go to work, she hardly even bothers to get dressed, she won't eat – I don't know what to do. If I tell our parents they'll just make things worse by fussing over her and suffocating her but I can't leave her like this.'

I thought the poor man was about to cry but he managed to hold it together just about. I knew that he and Jess were close but I had no idea how much he knew about our relationship and it wasn't my place to tell him.

'David, do you understand why Jess has gone into this funk?'

'Yeah, some of it. That arsehole of an ex-boyfriend has been pestering her again, trying to get her to take him back but she'd be a fool to go there again.

Chris, she really needs you. I've never known her as happy as she has been with you and I know you think she's screwed you over but she hasn't; not really. She hasn't seen Phil or even spoken to him to the best of my knowledge, please don't abandon her.'

'Abandon her!' I spluttered 'David I don't know what she's told you...' but he cut me off.

'She hasn't told me anything but I saw you two together and every time I've checked in on Jess over the past week all she could talk about was you and how she'd let you down, how she didn't deserve you. Add that to the gargantuan vase full of flowers you sent and it wasn't tough to work out.'

He looked at my shyly now as if he was still trying to come to terms with his sister having a gay relationship but was trying to tell me it was ok.

He went on to explain what happened when Jess contracted meningitis, how it had been misdiagnosed as flu originally so by the time she was treated it was almost too late. She had been on death's door and was lucky to have only lost her hearing as her temperature had been so high the doctors had feared brain damage.

Learning to adjust to life without hearing had been a huge struggle for her and many of her old friends had drifted away; not able to make the effort that was required in the early days. She had felt isolated and alone for so long but with the help and support of her family and Phil had started to come out the other side. The depression had been replaced with mild optimism only to be dashed again when Phil walked out on her. It had knocked her back to square one and she had to rebuild her confidence all over again.

'Chris, it's taken her years to feel worthwhile again and she became my old sister again for a while when she met you. Now she's back there again and I can't stand it – please go and speak to her.'

'I've sent her flowers, I've sent her texts and emails – she hasn't answered a single one David, how the hell am I supposed to force her to talk to me? If she's worried about what the world will think then I'm part of her problem, not part of the solution.'

'You're wrong Chris. She loves you and she needs you, I wouldn't be here otherwise. Please take this and go and see her; don't let her own stubbornness break her again, she won't ask for help but that doesn't mean she doesn't need it.' And he handed me a key to Jess's flat. 'Tell her I know and that I wholeheartedly approve of you two, it might help. You saved her life once before and I have no right to ask, but I need you to do it again.' And with that he kissed my cheek and left me alone, sitting in my living room bewildered.

Once again I was distracted by the doorbell and without conscious thought I paid for the takeaway, placed it in my car and headed toward to Jess's flat.

I wasn't surprised when she didn't answer the door so I nervously turned the key in the lock and let myself in. As I slowly opened the door to the living room I heard 'Go away David!' called from inside but I kept pushing the door open until she could see me from where she was laying on the sofa.

I was shocked by her appearance. She looked pale, gaunt and thin and her usually gorgeous curly brown hair was greasy and limp on her head. Her eyes registered surprise at seeing me but she made no effort to move or speak so I walked straight to the kitchen and placed the Chinese food in the microwave to warm and then started a bath running.

Returning with plates of hot food I pushed her legs off the sofa and made her sit up. She still hadn't spoken to me but she wasn't pushing me away either, so I took this as a good sign.

I placed a plate of food in front of her and told her that if she didn't eat I would spoon feed her, which actually elicited a small smile and had the desired effect of making her start to eat. She picked at it at first but soon her hunger won over and she polished off the rest of the plate quickly.

I stacked the dishes in the sink and returned to drag her off the sofa. Once she was standing I gave her a quick hug, which again wasn't returned but she didn't push me away either. I then took her to the bathroom and told her to have a soak and clean up and then we were going to talk; at which point I returned to the sofa and tried to work out just what the hell I was going to say!

I was startled to feel a hand on my shoulder. I was so deep in thought that Jess had got out of the bath without me noticing.

'Do you want a drink Chris?' They were the first words she'd spoken since my arrival.

'Yeah, I could do with one – do you want me to get them?' Jess shook her head and headed to the kitchen. She looked more like the woman I knew now that she was clean and tidy but her movements still looked laboured and her shoulders were hunched.

When she returned with cold beers I was pleasantly surprised when she sat at the other end of the sofa I was on rather than across the room.

'Why are you here Chris?'

'Because I was worried about you.'

'Because David made you come over you mean?' and she nodded toward the key on the coffee table.

'He did come to see me yes, but I was still worried about you.' There was so much I wanted to say but again I was stuck for words. 'You look like you could do with a friend.' And I smiled at her, hoping she'd allow me to be that friend.

'I pushed you away because I hated hurting you, don't blame me if I do it again, it'll be your own fault for coming back.'