A Review of K-Y IntensebyMiddleagepoet©
Many of you have seen the commercial for McNeil-PPC, inc.'s K-Y Intense which promises to intensify female satisfaction. It features a sedate couple first standing in their pajamas and then in the bed. The woman explains how their quiet lives have changed since they started using K-Y Intense, saying how the simple application of Intense and suddenly you see the woman standing in front of a geyser and then the screen cuts back to the exhausted couple back in bed.
K-Y Intense is packaged in an attractive black box, with a container surrounded by pink flower petals emanating from the word INTENSE. The back indicates it "...is the uniquely formulated arousal gel that has women saying 'it makes sex more satisfying.' It brags that only K-Y Brand scientists could create a product designed specifically to intensify a woman's orgasm. The package also indicates that a full "...75% of women who used K-Y Brand Intense experienced heightened arousal, sexual pleasure and sensitivity where it counts most."
You know, after reading the package I was more than ready to purchase the product. Well, that is until I saw the nearly thirty dollar price tag. Damn, apparently this stuff isn't your daddy's and mommy's old K-Y Lubricant. I continued reading on the box and saw that there was enough for 20 applications. Okay, working the math told me that my wife could experience the promised heightened experience for just a dollar fifty per experience. Okay, when you think about it, a buck fifty for an orgasm like the geyser they show on TV seems to be a pretty good investment.
Well, as a somewhat satisfied user, along with my wife, of other K-Y products I decided to drop the thirty dollars and see what happened. Of course, once you decide to buy this product, you got to pick it up, carry it though the store and then put in on the counter. All this while the entire store is watching you. Yeah, you see it in those mirrors at the end of aisles that keep you from running into each other, well they can see you in those mirrors. Back in the pharmacy they are watching you on the closed circuit TV and in the camera department, they are filming you on their new, digital camcorders.
Sure enough you walk up to the counter and hell, there's that cashier that reminds you of your sweet, dead grandmother. After she rings up the half dozen other products you bought so it didn't look like you came in the store just to buy K-Y Intense, she runs the box over the scanner. "Good lord," she says, immediately grabbing the store intercom and calling out for a price check on the K-Y Brand Intense. Now the price that popped up on the register was correct, but the cashier couldn't believe that, first of all, it cost that much and secondly, any fool would spend that on the product.
Anyway, after one of the stockers shout back, "Is that the K-Y Intrigue?" The response echoes through the store, "No it's K-Y Intense, it's the arousal gel for her, the box says it intensifies female satisfaction." When the stocker shouts back the price, the cashier looks up and says, "I guess it did scan right." I quickly run my credit card through the machine and grab the package. As I leave the cashier says, "Have a satisfying evening."
I walk to the car repeating to myself, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." In my car I pause a moment to regain my composure and then start it up to head home. Well, I did survive the drug store and suddenly it's all downhill from here, I thought. The product was purchased and I had it in my sweaty little hands.
When you open the product you find a hard plastic tube with a plunger on the top which will dispense the fluid as you need it. The tube comes with an attractive hideaway pouch for travel or hiding in your sock drawer. It also comes with an instruction booklet that not only provides instructions for application of the product, but also a brief tutorial on a woman's clitoris, labia and vaginal opening, complete with a picture.
The tutorial is fairly basic: "Women have a part of their body that is devoted to sexual pleasure - the clitoris." It goes on to explain how the clitoris is packed with nerve endings and that clitoral stimulation is important to intensifying the woman's experience and satisfaction. Okay, now that we got the idea where this is going, let's read where the K-Y is going.
Yes, you guessed it, you put it on a finger... well, your partner's finger who then applies it to the clitoris: "Gently massage the drop of gel onto your clitoris." Wait a minute, let me read that again. Okay, okay, you put the drop of gel either on the woman's finger or her partner's finger. Then it is applied to the clitoris.
When the gel is massaged onto the clitoris the instructions state: "You will begin to feel a unique rush of pleasure and heightened sensitivity." It goes on to say: "Continued massaging will increase arousal." Oh my, the instructions then say it is up to you after that. Damn, this is gonna be fun.
I have to admit my wife was skeptical, but willing, figuring that for some thirty bucks this stuff has got to be good. Now, understand my wife and I are not honeymooners or even newlyweds, no those days are long past. The K-Y Intense did me some good as it got me and my wife into bed naked together. I figure that was probably worth at least half the price of the stuff. She actually wanted to have sex, instead of acting like she was on some kind of chain gang.
Anyway, we fooled around a bit and then pulled out the little tube. I squeezed a drop onto my finger and didn't feel anything. I then reached over and put it on my wife's clit, or thought I did, anyway, after hearing her complain how I couldn't find that thing even after thirty some years of searching for it, she tried it herself and... and... well, she tried some more. She massaged and massaged.
Now the gel is thicker than the lubricant and it seems to dry quickly, so we really couldn't use it as a lube, and as she continued massaging, she had to add some more of this gel so she could keep massaging. Okay, bottom line, she indicates she did feel something like a hot tingling, but it really did nothing to increase her arousal, sensitivity or satisfaction. She tried several more times at which point I began doing some calculations.
As I figured before, an application is worth about a dollar fifty, well hell she'd already used what, five drops? Okay, that's seven fifty and this orgasm is starting to get expensive. I mean if a good blow job is twenty five out on North Main Street, then things better get happening with this stuff. A few more drops here and there and nothing happened. We tried it on her clit, on her labia, on her nipples. She then pumped what had to be four fifty worth onto her hand and then began stroking my cock.
Well, I didn't even feel a tingling. We finally got into the shower, washed that stuff off of us and then pulled out the old, trusty K-Y Lubricant and well it wasn't a geyser, but it was pretty damn good, especially after all these years. Then, in the afterglow of an enchanted evening my wife said, "Well, let's get this put back together and you can return it."
"Return it? Are you crazy?"
Yeah, the image flickered before my eyes as I took the opened box to my reincarnated dead grandmother cashier and said, "I want to return this."
"Okay, is there anything wrong with it?"
"It didn't work."
"Well did you use it properly?" she would ask.
"Yes, of course we did."
"You used this with someone else?"
"Well yes, with my wife," I would reply.
"And did you," looking down at the package, "gently massage a drop of gel onto your clitoris?"
"Well, we put it on my wife's, yes."
"You do know where her clitoris is?" she'd ask.
"There's a picture in the instructions you know."
"Yes, I saw the picture."
"Now just in case you didn't understand the picture," she'd then lift up her dress and grab at her panties...
Then I'd awake from the nightmare, soaked in a cold sweat. "No honey, I am NOT returning the K-Y Brand Intense, I don't care if it did cost nearly thirty dollars."
So there you have it, it didn't work. Of course K-Y got my thirty dollars and there is no way in hell I am returning it, so I guess they got their money from me. I'm not entirely sure if this is their marketing strategy, or if my wife was just among the 25% of the women this didn't work for. You're welcome to give it a try yourself, as long as you are willing to part with the thirty dollar price tag. I'll just stick with the K-Y Lubricant.