A Strange Arrangement Ch. 11

I was in the field by the airport, shivering, looking at the sky. It was a clear night with no moon. I walked backwards, counting stars. Was I here to meet Penny? When did I get here? I bumped into someone, but when I turned around, no one was there. Another shadowy figure moved in my periphery, but when I turned to look- no one. In turning, I bumped a shoulder, but no one was there. I felt alone and crowded all at once. I reached my arms out- to push someone away? I find someone?

I looked again at the stars. There were fewer. The stars were dying. They were going away. There were no clouds blocking them, the stars were...leaving us. I cried out to them to stay. I was scared. I called out for Ian to help. Only shadows, and soon even the shadows would be gone- there are no shadows without light.

I was terrified, lost, alone. I stumbled backwards into my recliner. Why was my recliner here in the field? I curled up and cried, pushing deeper into the cushions. I drove down deeper, trying to get away. The cushions swallowed me down, but then I couldn't move and was smothered and I was terrified and I screamed.

I was startled awake to find Andrew kneeling next to my bed. Andrew? "I heard you screaming," he said soothingly. "It's OK now, it was was a dream, Gina, just a dream."

His hand on my shoulder was a connection back to reality and out of my dreams. I hadn't had those dreams in a long time. It took some wonderfully strong sleeping pills to get me through high school, but I'd been OK since then.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to ask Andrew for help, but...I shouldn't. I didn't dare. Wordlessly, he crawled into my bed beside me, facing me, both of us fully clothed. He ran his hand over my hair a few minutes until my breathing slowed.

"Gina," he said tenderly, "who's Ian?"

I rolled over to face the wall and closed my teary eyes. Andrew moved close behind me and put his arm around me. I slept.

*******

Part of me was glad that Andrew wasn't there when I woke up. I didn't know how long he had stayed- perhaps just long enough to make sure I went back to sleep. I was confused and torn. I wanted to rush down the hall and hold him, and I wanted to rush out of the house and not face him. I opted, predictably, for the "pretend nothing happened" route.

It was early Sunday morning. My plan was to find Penny that afternoon. The problem was, I needed a plausible excuse to be gone for a few hours. And there were a few other pieces to the puzzle that I needed before I could pull off my plan. I needed to get into Andrew's closet without him noticing. I wished I had thought of that last night, when he was at work.

I made a simple breakfast for myself and had some brunchy things ready to go for when Andrew got up later. I realized that he probably hadn't been home very long when I started having my nightmare. He'd probably sleep into the late morning.

I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote down questions I had. I really wasn't sure what I was going to see when I found Penny, but I wanted to get all the answers I could while I had the chance. Of course, that all assumed that my plan worked.

Looking at the clock, I figured I had at least an hour or two before Andrew woke up. I decided to risk digging in his closet while he slept. Just in case he caught me, I pulled some clean shirts of his from the dryer and threw them over my shoulder, planning to put them in his closet.

Slipping quietly into his room, I tiptoed over to the closet. It creaked a little when I slid the doors open, but Andrew didn't stir. I knew exactly which box I was going for, and I knew it should be on top of the pile. I quietly dug down to the middle of the box and pulled out the hand-made scrapbook-style wedding photo album. I was ready with excuses in case Andrew surprised me: I was hanging up your shirts and dropped my phone- it fell into this box. I didn't have an excuse for being caught with the album in hand, but at the last second, I realized I could cover it with his shirts.

After putting the closet back in order, I moved towards the door with my bundle under my arm.

"Gina?" His sleepy voice stopped me.

"Just getting some dirty clothes out of your room, don't mind me."

"No, I'm up, I'm up. You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said nonchalantly.

"OK. I'll be down in a little bit."

"There'll be food waiting when you do," I said over my shoulder as I headed into the hall. My bundle ended up in my closet, and I was warming up some breakfast as Andrew came slowly down the stairs.

"You should be all set for today. I've got a few things to do in my room this morning, and I'm going out this afternoon. I'll be back be before you leave for work."

"Where you going?" he asked casually.

I knew I couldn't get away with a lie- Andrew had demonstrated that several times. But I was pretty sure I could pull off a half-truth. "Moira just got engaged, and I've been wanted to catch up with her." Technically, all that was true, but that wasn't where I was going.

He looked at me for a few seconds and I was afraid he was about to call my bluff. Then, picking up his toast, he said, "OK. I was going to hit the grocery store today, so let me know if there's anything in particular you want to research a recipe for." He finished that sentence with a smirk, and I met his smirk with a dish towel to his face. His awareness of my cooking ignorance was a secret that had only recently come out. "Jerk!" I said, with no animosity.

I tried not to look like I was in a hurry to get to my room. I picked up a few things around the first floor, put some dishes away, wrote a grocery list, and chatted with Andrew a bit. Then I headed up the stairs to my room. Locking my door, I pulled out the wedding album and flipped through some pages until...aha! The wedding program listed the names of everyone in the wedding party. There was one bridesmaid whose last name was the same as Penny's maiden name, and in the pictures, there was a girl who looked unmistakably like a younger sister. I wrote down her name. Now with just a little luck this afternoon...

*******

I left the house while Andrew was out shopping. I thought my anxious state would betray me. I swear, he could see right through me sometimes. I drove as fast as I dared, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel. Pulling up to the gate of the Institute, I was relieved to see that Ernst was not working. Luck was with me.

I thought back to a seemingly casual conversation with Andrew that morning.

"So what do you do at work all night?"

"Mostly nothing- nobody comes at night unless it's a doctor for an emergency or something."

"Do you stop everyone?"

"Yeah, but only to get their license and write down their name. The real security is to get past the lobby. We just keep a record of who actually does enter the premises and we make sure they all leave. We don't check on whether they should be there. That's for the people inside to handle."

"So they check the license again? Doesn't that make you redundant?"

"I don't think they actually ID people. They just make sure you're on the right list of family and other authorized visitors"

It was a glaring hole in their security, I thought, one that I might point out to Andrew once all this was behind me. But it wasn't a prison or anything, more like a hospital, so I guess they weren't too concerned.

After getting my license back, I drove through the gates and let out my breath. I hadn't even realized I was holding it. Parking was easy to find- there was a clearly marked visitor lot. I walked up to the reception area, following the signs for visitors. I had done my research, though, so I knew all the rules- what hours I could be there, how long I could stay, what I could and could not wear (no shoelaces, no bags with straps, etc.). My handbag was checked for contraband and I went to register.

The large woman behind the counter asked for my name and for the name and ID number of the patient. Here was the big test. I gave her Penny's sister's name to identify myself, then I gave Penny's name, and the number I derived from Andrew's automatic withdrawals. She looked at her screen and then said, "Your sister's been here almost 3 years and you're just now getting here? Shame on you! I outta turn you out just for that! What kind of..." (Three years. That answers one question.)

"It's complicated," I said, turning red. "Our parents didn't approve of her marriage and tried to keep me from getting in touch. But I finally made it across country..." I figured that if they knew her back story, then all those tidbits I had picked up from Andrew's account would make my false identity believable.

"I still think its a shame. Her husband is in here two, three times a week, but her family...oh, no...can't be troubled to see her." (Well, that answered a few more questions.)

"Please. I've been waiting a long time for this."

"Don't rush me, hun. Gotsta check all the right boxes, hold on..." And with a few clicks of the mouse, she gave me a visitor badge. "In you go. Visiting lounge is third door on the right. But they won't let you in anywhere else, anyway."

"Thank you," I said softly, moving through the door.

"Oh, and hun...don't expect anything. When they get to the point she's at...ain't nothing you can say to 'em."

I turned my eyes down and walked on. I could hear her calling over the intercom, "Visitor for patient 11438. Visitor for patient 11438. Please confirm."

*******

The visitor lounge was...sterile. It had a few soft chairs, a rounded plastic table, a wall clock, and a camera noticeably observing from the corner of the ceiling. The lights were mild and there was almost no sound. I took a seat in one of the chairs facing the door, put my bag on my lap, and waited in silence for more than five minutes.

I rose to my feet when the door opened. Penny- I wouldn't have recognized her as the woman from Andrew's pictures- shuffled in smiling. A uniformed orderly stepped in behind her, a large woman with the build of a wrestler. I knew from the rules I had read that the visit would be supervised.

Penny was tall, like Andrew, and very thin. Her blond hair was cut very short and she was wearing a comfortable looking outfit that was probably standard issue for patients. She was smiling, but it was an opened-mouth goofy smile that had no meaning behind it. She shuffled over to me and hugged me with loose arms. Still smiling, she said, "Hiiii!"

I felt bad lying under these circumstances, but I had to maintain my pretense, so I said, "Hi, Penny, it's me, Donna, your sister." I felt really bad- I was just going to confuse her.

"Hiiiiii Donna! I missed you! You look so pretty! I like your hair!" She said everything in a slow, excited voice.

"Penny, are you OK in here? Are they treating you OK?"

"Oh, yeah, I have a lot of friends. It's a nice place. I don't like it much. Hiiiii!" Then she hugged me again and touched my hair. "I love your hair!"

"Penny, Andrew told me about Noel." I didn't know what else to say. I didn't think I'd be able to get answers to any of my questions from her in this state. This wasn't what I had expected.

"Isn't she the cutest? She's our little star. Did you get to meet her?"

"I...She..Do you know where Noel is?"

"She's our little star! She's with Andrew right now. He's home from work today. I'll be home soon. I love your hair! Donna! I missed you!"

I searched for something to say, something to ask. I tried to figure out a way to pierce through the fog. Andrew's words came back to me. Penny is somewhere in the darkness...I can't find her...She went so far away... Even from a few minutes with her I could tell what he meant. She was far away. Is this what losing Noel did to her? Made a completely normal, healthy woman just snap?

"Penny, do you see Andrew a lot? Does he visit you here?"

"Yeahhhh. He brings me presents." Her eyes sparkled. "He's so good Donna, you have to like him! I don't know why you all are so angry with us. He's one of the good ones, Donna, one of the good guys. Not like..." She stopped short, looking sad, but then smiled. "Ohhh...I love your hair!" She reached out and rubbed my hair again. I didn't bother stopping her. But as she ran her fingers through my perfectly ordinary hair, her mood changed. She looked sad. Still holding that big smile, she started crying, then the smile faded.

"He's so sad. Donna. I'm not good enough for him. He says nice things, but I know I'm not a good wife. I lost his little girl, Donna. It's all my fault! I couldn't...I couldn't..." She was breathing fast now, panicking, looking around, body curling up in her chair. She started hyperventilating. I looked over at the orderly for guidance, but she just shrugged.

Penny started rocking back and forth and singing a nonsense song- soft and high-pitched. It sounded like a nursery rhyme of some sort. She choked her way through it, sobbing. Then the darkness took her and she just wailed. My guess was that she had just replayed that fateful car ride in her head.

I knew I had done the wrong thing. I shouldn't have come here. I should have just pushed Andrew to tell me or else been fine not knowing. I was messing with someone's life here. I was hurting her. I was hurting her and I was hurting Andrew. I felt toxic.

Lacking any ideas, I leaned over to hug Penny. Still sobbing, she pushed me away with one hand. She curled up into a ball on the chair. Standing to leave, wrapped my arms around myself, leaned over her and said, "I'm sorry, Penny, I'm so sorry for everything. I..." Then I looked up at the orderly and continued to apologize, my eyes wide open with shock and helplessness. I looked at the orderly and said, "I'm sorry. I just...I'm sorry..."

The orderly held the door open for me, and as I passed by, she said in a matter-of-fact tone, "If it's any consolation, that's better than she usually does. You actually got some real sentences out of her." I wrinkled my brow in confusion. That was better? What did Andrew deal with two or three times a week? How long did he stay? What would he say to her? I walked down the hall in a daze, past the check-point, and out to my car.

I had told Andrew I was too deep down the hole to help him deal with his darkness. But now I felt like I was just at the surface and Andrew had been living at the bottom of the hole. I looked at the clock- only 2:50. Andrew would be home for almost 3 more hours. I drove home as quickly as I could, unsure of what I would do or say when I got there. My mind sorted through what I had just seen and learned. I felt something strong welling up inside me, but I wasn't even sure what it was. I realized that, whatever it was, seeing Andrew in a few minutes would unleash it.

*******

I walked in the door and saw Andrew sitting at the kitchen table, going through bills. His glasses were on and he was dressed in casual clothes- jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I was visibly distressed as I distractedly hung my coat on a hook by the door. Andrew glanced up, and seeing my face, he stood up immediately.

"Gina! Gina, what's wrong? What happened?" Such genuine concern, so protective.

I rushed through the kitchen and pushed him back into his seat. Climbing onto his lap, I pulled off his glasses and kissed him. It wasn't a lustful kiss, like one that serves as a prelude to sex. This was an unleashing of something I had held back too long. I loved him, I knew that now. And though my pride and my fear and my insecurity still screamed at me to leave now before it was too late, my love had finally grown bigger than those things.

And it wasn't the romantic love that I had always thought would happen eventually- the infatuation on steroids that is the subject of so many movies and stories. This was love like Dottie had described it. A love that chose to give and give, knowing that it would freely receive in return. It was a love that had invested so much already and didn't want to lose all of that.

I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be naked in front of him and with him because I trusted him and I didn't want to hide. I wanted him to be the star that would help guide me through my own darkness.

Meeting Penny had been the overcoming of the last great barrier to that realization. The more I had come to know Andrew, the more I liked and loved him, but part of his identity was hidden from me- the part related to Penny- and I couldn't love him while that part was still obscured. I had always feared that Penny was a secret Andrew kept because he was guilty and ashamed of something. I thought she would be dead, abused, or neglected. I thought, I feared his darkness was self-inflicted, the darkness of his own malice. The pain that Gareth had brought to my life made me deeply distrustful of any man who sought a lover while still married.

But Andrew...here was something I never expected. How long-suffering he was! All these years- his daughter in a grave, his wife...unhinged by grief. He had no wife, no child. He was faithful to support her. He worked a full-time job to provide just for her. For her, who could give nothing back to him, nothing except the pain of one-sided conversations and memories of hopes that would never be realized. How had he held on so long in that state?

I felt guilty for pushing him away. I wanted to give myself to him freely for every time I had made him ashamed to ask. I wanted to offer a hundred kind words for every insult I had thrown at him. I knew it was all ridiculous, I knew I was beyond reason. I was drunk with affection.

I didn't care that I wasn't good enough for him. I didn't care that I feared I would just drag him down. He wanted me, and if he would choose me, then I would give him whatever I could in return. Not out of duty or obligation, but out of love.

All of this passed through my mind as I kissed him, rubbing my hands around his chest and shoulders, taking his head into my arms. I cried, whether for joy and love or for sadness and regret, I wasn't sure. I couldn't get enough of him in that moment. I daresay he was overwhelmed by me.

"Gina..." He tried to speak between kisses. "Gina...what's going on?"

I owed him an explanation, but I couldn't. How could I tell him what I had learned? How could I tell him what had changed? How could I explain the way my heart had just snapped open? I think that love had been there for weeks already, but it was too overpowered by fear. And that fear would certainly reassert itself, even as it was trying to do already.

"I...I can't say...I just..."

"Is something wrong?" He pulled back, trying to look at my face.

"Yes, Andrew! Everything is wrong! It's all fucked up. Nothing works right." I put my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck. "And you understand that. You're strong enough to handle that. And I need...I want you to help me deal with that."

"Oh," he said, still not quite following me. "Of course...Did something happen this afternoon? You seem...really upset." He could have said, 'you seem a complete and total mess' and I would have agreed.

"Oh baby, you should know better than to ask me stuff like that. If I haven't told you already, asking won't do you any good." he just looked puzzled and frustrated. His hands under my shirt rubbing my sides and back suggested that he had at least one idea of how to give the help I was asking for. And given my track record of what I wanted when I asked for his help with my problems, that was understandable. Lucky for him, that's exactly what I wanted right then- but not just for my sake.