A Swapping Mistake Ch. 03

The company I work for is an independent company that has been rebuilding structures in Afghanistan, Iraq and Kuwait. Although it is very dangerous work, we are well protected by the military.

Everyday we would have children sitting on the bank watching us work. Many were from the orphanage; they had lost their parents in this terrible war. Other people stopped by to thank us for helping build their new school and repairing other structures. You couldn't help hurting inside for these kids. What did they do wrong? They were just kids, for Christ's sake. They didn't ask for or deserve this. I don't know why, but it made me think of Julie's baby. Did she deserve what she got?

I blocked Julie from my mind as best as possible and went on with my work. I was helping to add a wing on an already overcrowded children's hospital. As I took a short break, I noticed a young boy walk by on crutches; he only had one leg. He couldn't have been more than seven years old. Seeing him smile at me, with all the hardship he had to endure during his short life tugged at my heartstrings.

I found out later the boy's name was Aadam Bazzi. I talked with the man I believed was his father; Ar'med Karzi was his name. He told me that Aadam was six and would be seven the following month. He lost his leg in the bombing of a grocery store that his parents owned.

"You're not his father? I see you with him all the time," I asked Ar'med.

"No, his parents were killed in the bombing along with his older sister. He is alone now. I took him in along with two other children. He is good boy," Ar'med smiled.

"Did you know his family well?" I asked.

Ar'med smiled again. "Funny you ask that question. His father not like me. We both like same woman. Maia chose Jacar; I loved Maia much and was much, how you say, disappointed when she pick Jacar. I marry Fatimah instead and we get married. Sorry my English not real good."

"You're doing fine. I understand you very well," I replied.

"After Maia and Jacar die, I ask Fatimah if we take in Aadam. She says okay we take Aadam in. I have good wife. We now have four kids our own and we take in three orphans. We not have much but kids need home with parents."

It was shortly after talking with Ar'med that my sister had told me about Gina being hospitalized. I believe it was partly the reason I sent Julie the money. My feelings for her were still very strong. I didn't want her to suffer financially.

It was about a month later, our mail is very slow here, that I received a letter from Julie thanking me for helping her and her daughter. She was very grateful and said what a wonderful thing I had done. She then said, "Shawn I will always have a place in my heart for you. Please take care of yourself. Love always, Julie."

I cried after reading that letter. There would always be a place in my heart for her also. I went on working and tried to do some good here in this desert country. In my spare time, I would talk with different kids and they would tell me their stories. My heart went out for each and every one of them.

I must have given out candy bars by the dozen. It seemed to put a smile on each child's face.

Life seemed so bleak for them, but they explained to me that it was people like me that gave them hope. Our work crew was invited to a school that we helped rebuild. We got a chance to see the students give speeches and sing songs. It was great to see them with smiles on their faces. I knew we were doing the right thing.

I often thought about Julie and her daughter. I was gone for about seven months when I gave my sister Joyce a call; we talked for a few minutes and I asked her how Julie was doing.

"She and Gina are doing okay. She finally decided to accept a date. I was so worried about her never going out. I knew men had asked her out but she always refused. I tried to explain to her that she needed a life," said my sister Joyce.

"I'm happy for her," I said. "She's a very beautiful woman and deserves a good man and I wish her the best. Well, Sis; I have to go. I'll talk to you again some time soon. Tell everyone I said hello."

I felt bad. It was a lie. I didn't want Julie dating anyone else. What was the matter with me? I just couldn't shake my feeling for her. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. I guess that didn't apply to ex-wives.

I had signed up for an additional six months. After having served eight months of my first year, we could sign up for an additional half year at a time. My reason for signing up was I wasn't ready to go home. I still wasn't over Julie and our divorce. I often wondered if I had made a big mistake. I needed more time away, especially since I heard she was dating again. Life sucked!

The best part of my life now was helping these displaced and orphaned children. Seeing the hope in their eyes kept me going. Whenever I worked on the hospital annex, I saw Aadam. He was trying so hard, trying to overcome his disability. He was now trying on an artificial leg. It must have hurt him since he cried when they put it on. I overheard the doctor tell him his leg would have to toughen up more. This was a lot of pain for a seven-year-old boy.

Ar'med and I talked often. One day he invited me over to meet his family. Fatimah, his wife, had dinner for all of us. Their home was just a shanty but they were willing to take in three orphan kids, one being Aadam, even with four kids of their own. My heart went out to them.

I remember asking Ar'med how he could take in Aadam knowing it was his old flame's son with his best friend.

"I loved Maia, but she want Jacar. We not friend anymore. I see Aadam after death of parents. Aadam just a young boy. He innocent child. He have no choice in life yet. He not ask to be born. How you say? My heart pains for him. I no care who father him, I ask Fatimah and her heart in pain for him too. So we take him in."

"That was a wonderful thing to do, Ar'med," I replied.

"Not so wonderful. He need help and home, so I try help him. He brings us much joy. We love him. Don't tell Fatimah but I see Maia in him. I love him as much as own kids. We all one big family now."

What a wonderful outlook on life. He made me feel so small. I left the woman I loved because she had another man's child. She never cheated on me and I threw it all away over my pride. Right now, the pride I had in myself was pretty low.

I had been gone for fourteen months when my supervisor said that I had two weeks vacation leave coming to me. I needed to take it or I would lose it. He then asked me if I was going to sign up for another six months.

The money was great but I missed my family. I had saved up over a hundred thousand dollars at this point. I also missed Julie. I knew I had to go home to, at least, confront her again. I had no idea what was going to happen. I just knew that I had to see her again. I told my supervisor I would make my decision on another extension when I returned from vacation.

I took my two-weeks leave and went home. I surprised my parents when I showed up at the house. My mom cried as she hugged me. She called Joyce and told her to come over. She had a surprise for her. When I saw Joyce, I hugged her. We were always close. She asked me if it was all right to call Julie and tell her I was home for a visit.

"No, please don't. I know you are all close with Julie because of the letters you have sent me. I'm going over to see her today. I'm not sure what to expect. She might not even want to see me."

"Shawn, she still cares for you whether you want to believe it or not. We can tell you're not over her either. Please just don't hurt her. She has been trying to go on with her life," said Joyce.

That afternoon I rode over to my old apartment. Nothing had changed. Of course it was only a little over a year. I walked up to the door and knocked. From the inside, I heard a voice say, "Just a minute." I knew it was Julie's.

She opened the door and just said, "Shawn! Oh, my God, what are you doing home?"

I was misty eyed with just the sight of her. I realized then that I had never gotten over her. There she stood in a t-shirt and a pair of sweats, but she was the most beautiful sight I could imagine.

"Hi, Julie. I had a two week vacation coming and needed to see you."

As she stood there, a pretty little girl kind of staggered up to her and grabbed her leg. I knew it was Gina. She looked up at me with the cutest dimpled smile.

"Hi, Sweetheart, you must be Gina," I said.

Julie reached down and picked up her daughter. "Shawn, why didn't you call and let me know you were coming?"

"To be honest, I was worried that you might not want to see me," I responded.

Julie looked a bit shaky. "Come on in, Shawn. Would you like some coffee or something?"

"Coffee would be fine," I said.

"Please sit down. It will only take a few minutes to make it," said Julie.

"You don't need to go through the trouble of making..."

Julie interrupted me, "Yes, I do, Shawn. I need a couple of minutes to compose myself. This is quite a shock for me," she said, as she set Gina down on the floor and went into the kitchen to make coffee.

I was sitting on the couch when little Gina stood up and waddled her way over to me. She was such a pretty little girl. I picked her up and sat her on my lap. She was smiling that dimpled smile as I talked to her.

"Hi, Gina; you're such a pretty girl. How old are you?" I couldn't believe it when she held up one finger.

I kept asking her little questions and she would talk baby talk back to me. As God is my witness, I couldn't believe that me not wanting this precious little girl was what broke up my marriage. How could I have been such a self-indulgent asshole?

I knew I had to prove to Julie that I was a changed man. That seeing the homeless children and devastated families overseas had changed me. I had to wonder if it would be enough. What would it take for us to get back together? I squeezed this precious little girl and hoped that in some way, somehow we might become family.

Julie came back with our coffee and nicely asked Gina to get off my lap for now. She climbed down and sat next to me. I couldn't help but smile.

"So, Shawn, what is it you wanted to see me about?" asked Julie. She had her wits gathered now.

"I want to apologize to you for being an asshole."

"Shawn, watch what you say. Little ears have a tendency of picking up the wrong words." At least she kind of smiled when she said it.

"I should have never rushed off like I did without saying goodbye. Julie, I still have very strong feelings for you and wonder if there is a chance for us getting back together?"

"Shawn, my feelings for you haven't changed but I've gone on with my life. Nothing has changed; Gina is and always will be number one in my life."

"Something has changed, Julie. Me! I've changed. I look back and see what a horrible person I had become. I was self-centered and an ass... bad person." I remembered to correct my language. It made Julie smile.

"I don't know if that's enough, Shawn. Gina is my life. She needs a father and I want a husband who will love us both."

"I can be him," I said.

"What if we have an argument and you throw Mario or not being Gina's father in my face. I don't want that type of life," said Julie.

"Try and give me a chance here," I said.

"You mean a chance like you gave Gina and Me? Is that the kind of chance you want?" said Julie with a tear in her eyes.

"I can't apologize enough for my actions. Right now I can't even say the words of how bad I was due to little ears being here." Julie smiled again.

"Julie, I have changed and I know I was wrong about this precious little girl. I was an idiot for letting you go. Please give me a chance. I'm home for two weeks and then I have to go back for four months. All I ask is that you give me those two weeks to prove to you how much I have changed. You can then have four months to decide if we can be back together as a family."

Julie stared at me. I was really wondering what she was thinking. I was waiting for her to say, "Just get the fuck out of my life" and I would have deserved it. Julie wasn't that sort of woman.

She looked at me and said, "Shawn, I'm on vacation for a week. We'll see where this goes, but if you ever say anything about Gina not being your daughter, it's over. I'm not going to let you hurt us again.

"You and I, as well as our families, know you're not the sperm donor of Gina. I can live with that. Can you? Take a good hard look at that this week before responding to it. With that said, I promised Gina we were going to do all kinds of things this week. You're welcome to join us."

"Do we have any ground rules before I prove that I've changed?" I asked.

"You're darn right. I don't mean to be mean to you but you can't stay here, Shawn. You can come visit everyday but not overnight. We won't be having sex. I can't be ruled completely with my heart. Tomorrow you have to go talk with my parents. They were really hurt when you left me and Gina."

"Ok, I'll do my best. Where do we start?" I asked.

"You can pick up me and Gina at mom and dad's tomorrow morning. If after talking to them you still want to be with us, I was taking Gina to the zoo."

We talked a little bit more and before I left I asked Julie if I was allowed a kiss.

"Sure," she said. Then she turned to Gina and said, "Honey, do you want to give Shawn a kiss goodbye? He's taking us to the zoo tomorrow."

Gina climbed up on my lap and gave me a big kiss on the lips, while Julie was laughing. After Gina kissed me, she gave me a big hug. I couldn't help myself, hugging her in return.

"Thank you, Sweetheart," I said to Gina. "That was the best kiss and hug I ever had."

I left feeling pretty good. I knew tomorrow would be hard. I hadn't spoken to Julie's parents since I left the hospital and divorced their daughter.

My parents were happy that I was going out with Julie. As I said, they really cared for her and Gina. Of course, they knew what happened with the pregnancy and thought I should have stayed with her. At the time, I couldn't see beyond my own jealousy and arrogance.

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The next morning I headed to see Julie's parents. Julie and Gina were already there. This was going to be harder than I thought.

"Come in, Shawn. Julie said you wanted to talk to Harold and me," said Mrs. Cass.

We walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. Mrs. Cass offered me a cup of coffee, which I accepted. Julie and Gina stayed in the living room but I know they could hear us.

Mr. Cass just kind of stared at me. He was a hard person to read. Mrs. Cass spoke first. "Shawn, you have to know that we really hated you for what you did to Julie, even after she told you about the one-time affair she had with that Mario fella. You told her you could work through it, but when she turned up pregnant, you couldn't accept her baby."

I realized that Julie must have told her parents that she had a one-time affair instead of what I let happen. I guess she figured her parents would hate me even more if they knew I shared her with another man. Julie took the blame.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cass, I apologize for all of my actions. I know I didn't handle any of it right. I went overseas and realized how much I still loved Julie. I want to make amends. I'm still in love with her and I know I could make her and Gina happy. I have to be honest and tell you I already care for Gina. I would in no way hurt her or Julie."

"Shawn," spoke Mr. Cass, "your words are nice but actions speak much louder than words. If you want our ok for you to be with our daughter and granddaughter, it's going to take action. Your words aren't enough anymore."

"I do understand and I'll do my best to prove it to both of you. Just give me little time to find a way to prove it. Again, I am sorry for the way I acted."

I finished my coffee. Julie and Gina were ready to go to the zoo. I said my goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Cass and we were heading for the zoo. We went in Gina's car since she had a car seat already in for Gina.

At the zoo, we had a wonderful time. I pushed the stroller and tried to do everything right. I would stop and talk to the animals and it would make Gina laugh. We spent the whole day together. On the drive home, Julie told me not to try so hard. "Shawn, just be yourself. I can tell Gina likes you. Parenting is a lifelong job. You can't expect to do it in a day or a week."

I knew she was right. I was trying too hard. I bought Gina a stuffed elephant, a coloring book and a zoo book with all the animals from A to Z. I got her everything she asked for. I still had to find a way to prove that I was serious. Like Julie told me, "Parenting is a lifelong job. Just buying things for the kids isn't enough."

The next day we went to the park and to the airport so Gina could watch the airplanes take off and land. I wanted to buy her a little airplane but Julie told me no. "Shawn, it's something else you have to learn. You have to learn to say no to her. Believe me it isn't easy; sometimes you'll see her cry but you can't give in."

I was really learning a lot about parenting from Julie. The next morning I learned even more. I went to their apartment first thing in the morning. Julie smiled as I came in.

"Glad you're here. Could you watch Gina while I get dressed? She's in the kitchen eating her cereal?" asked Julie.

"I'd much rather watch you get dressed," I said as I walked into the kitchen.

"I bet you would," laughed Julie as she walked into the bedroom and closed the door.

"Hi, Sweetheart," I said to Gina as she ate her cereal.

She started to get down. "No, Mommy said you had to eat all your cereal."

Gina looked at me. I was hoping this wasn't one of her tests; I wasn't ready for one. She went ahead and finished her cereal and we went into the living room and I sat on the couch.

Gina came up to me and said, "Ca-ca."

"What?" I asked. Gina only knew a few words.

I could smell something. She said ca-ca and then did it in her diaper. About that time, Julie came in dressed up really looking nice. "I think Gina made ca-ca in her pants," I said.

"So, you want to be a daddy, go change her," laughed Julie.

"I can do this, you know," I said.

"Well, be my guest. Her diapers and everything you need is in her room," replied Julie.

I knew I had to do this. I took Gina by the hand and we walked into her bedroom. I laid her on the bed and removed the diaper. I tried to hold my breath but it wasn't easy. I gagged a couple of times. I quickly put her dirty diaper in the pail after using some wipes to wipe off her little butt. She kept laughing while I did it.

I grabbed a clean diaper and put some powder all over her private areas and pulled the velcro strips. I was proud of my work. Julie came in and handed me a little outfit to put on Gina.

"Go on, she'll help you," said Julie.

I actually was having fun. Gina was always smiling and laughing. I said, "Help daddy put on your socks."

I didn't realize what I said until Gina said, "Da-Da."

I wondered if Julie heard it but didn't say anything. I was wondering if I overstepped my bounds. I have to admit that I really did care for this precious little girl.

We spent the day together doing all sorts of things. We even went to a department store and I saw a kids' table with two chairs. I wanted to buy it but Julie told me there wasn't room in the apartment for it.

"Julie, I didn't get her anything for her birthday. Can't I buy her something?"

I knew Julie didn't believe in buying love but she knew I needed to get her something. "Ok, get her anything she wants for less than ten dollars. It will be her belated birthday present from her Da-Da."

I looked at Julie. "You heard me? I'm sorry, it just came out," I apologized. Julie didn't say anything. I guessed she just wanted me to know she heard me.