A Touch of Lunacy Ch. 06

Warm light streaming across my face woke me. Determined to slip back to my dreams, I started to roll onto my side, pulling the blanket over my head with the movement when pain froze my movement. I lay flat on my back, trying to breathe past the pain. I thought I smelled flowers. Glancing beside the bed, I saw a vase with wildflowers with a card beside them on the nightstand. The card had a cartoon puppy with a bandage wrapped around its head and a cast on a leg. Inside, it said, "Hope you get the wag back soon!" and was signed by Daniel. I groaned at the card but couldn't help but smile. It was awfully endearing. I relaxed into the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. I couldn't really move and there was nothing to do, but it was a better predicament than I had found myself lately. I stretched my arms out and relished that the bed was all mine. I almost felt a pang of loss that Donovan wasn't keeping me company and scolded myself for it. This was all his fault, after all. I couldn't let myself slip up and think of him as a friend. He was the cause of all my recent problems. If I got soft, that was the end of it.

I yelled for help. I was pretty sure there would be a guard outside and hoped that he'd be good enough to get someone; maybe Joe, Daniel, or Elder Samuel. I wished for my mom and hated them for making it impossible for me to see her. She'd been there through the divorce, telling me that it was alright, that I didn't need a man and I was still young. They took my life from me, given me only pain, and I couldn't contact my family when I so desperately wanted them. If I could reach something, I'm sure I would have thrown it at Elder Samuel as he came in.

"I'm glad to see you are awake. How are you feeling? We were worried yesterday morning when Donovan came back with you injured. He only gave a brief description before locking himself in his room. Tension is high in the pack right now and we are not getting any answers from Donovan to ease or confirm our worries. We don't want to hound you while you're still injured. Is there anything I can get you? Daniel's mother has offered to attend you while you recover. I told her you were awake and she went to get you breakfast." Elder Samuel had walked halfway into the room and looked expectantly at me. His stance was slightly wary, which confused me. He'd normally stood with confidence. I sat up, wincing as I did but spurred by new found anger.

"What's the deal? Feeling guilty or something," I snapped. Glaring at him, I knew I would throw something at him right now if I could. The elders and him were about as much to blame as Donovan. I felt a little satisfaction when he flinched. Guilt tried to wiggle itself into my mind but I pushed it away. Elder Samuel may have been kind, but he could have helped me escape or something. He had been so determined to follow the laws of their stupid pack he would have let Donovan get me.

Elder Samuel just bowed his head and walked out of the room. I grabbed the vase of flowers and threw it at the door. It skidded across the floor, water soaking into the carpet, flowers flying across the room. I growled after him, digging my fingers into the mattress. I paused and looked down at my nails. They had started to darken and elongate. I screamed and started to kick the covers off. It felt like my skin was prickling. Bones started aching and I screamed. Elder Samuel rushed back in towards me. A streak flashed by him and was hugging me tight. A warm voice was whispering to calm down. To breathe slowly and to focus on my breath. Elder Samuel looked furious and was shouting for him to get away from me, but I clung to him. He smelled good, and his voice was soothing. I clung to him, though a part of me was whispering that I was clinging to the devil incarnate, seeking comfort from the one responsible for this. I breathed in like he told me and took in a deep breath of Donovan's scent.

"Slowly. Breathe slowly and feel the air filling your lungs. Hold the breath for a second and let it out slowly. Nothing else matters. Just breathe. Count as you breathe. Count to five as you breathe in and count to five as you breathe out." The pain started to fade away and I sagged in his arms, entirely relieved.

"What the hell, was that," I growled. I shoved Donovan away and he didn't fight to cling to me. Without him hugging me tight, I felt suddenly cold, but I could deal with that. I looked towards Elder Samuel, who stood there frowning.

"You were starting to change into a wolf, but that shouldn't have happened for many more months. We don't exactly have doctors so I can't say for sure. Perhaps -"

"Stress," Donovan said flatly. I glanced at him and he looked moody. He didn't look me in the eye. "You were in a dangerous situation with the Nightwalkers so your mind was ready to do whatever to defend yourself at any notice. Injured and angry, your body started to change. If you hadn't calmed down, you could have hurt yourself by changing before you should."

"Gee, like turning from a primate to a canine is something any human should be doing!" Elder Samuel snapped at me to not yell. Donovan snapped at Elder Samuel that I had every right to be angry. They were about to go at each others throats when a woman came in with a tray of food and banged it loudly on the coffee table. The two jumped and spun towards her.

"I don't care that you two outrank me. Get out of here. She doesn't need this so just get out of here and leave her in peace." She stared the two of them down. Donovan was the first to go. He started to turn back towards me, but stopped himself and dashed from the room. Elder Samuel looked like he was going to argue but thought better of it. Looking at the woman with her hands on her hips wearing the hardest face I'd ever seen, I understood how he could be ordered around by her. It was comforting to know that the hierarchy of the pack wasn't inflexible.

The woman huffed at the door and started arranging furniture to make it easier to eat in the sitting area. She pushed some of her hair behind her ear and smiled at me. "Let's get some food into you, shall we?" She came over and helped me up before I could protest. She practically carried me to the chair, but she at least let me have the dignity to hobble along. I sunk into the chair and tried to find a position that suited the aches and pains. I glanced around and saw the woman straightening my bed.

"No, please. You don't have to do that. I'm probably going to go back to bed in a little bit." I moved to get up but my body protested. The woman just shushed me and finished straightening the bed. She came over and handed me a cup of tea.

"You are not going to bed. I think you slept long enough. We are going to go for a light walk around the house, maybe in the garden. Fresh air would be good for you. Besides, my son will not give me any peace until he's gotten to see you again."

"Your son?"

"Daniel. I think it's good how you've been training him. He was always a little hard on himself for not being like the other boys in the pack. He takes after his father. I don't know what you say to him, but it has really helped his confidence. As far as I'm concerned, we're going to be like sisters."

"Uh... That's... I'm sorry. What's your name?"

"Daniel never mentioned me?"

"No, he has. I mean, he just never mentioned your name."

"Hmm... I suppose not. Well, my name is Jennifer. Everyone in the pack knows your name, Katherine."

"If I go for a walk, I'm going to be hounded by people who know me and I don't have a clue about."

"They'll know your name, sure. But, beyond that, they don't know anything beyond you can put up a hell of a fight."

I rubbed my eyes and tried to categorize my life into the things I could handle and everything else that I could put on the back burner for now. Hunger was an easy thing to focus on right now. There was a plate of food before me that could solve the problem. I ate the pancakes before me and barely tasted them. As I ate, Jennifer continued straightening the room. She gathered the flowers from across the room and arranged them in the vase again.

"I want to go back to sleep," I stated flatly when the plates were clear. Jennifer told me that wasn't an option.

"A little exercise will be good for you."

"I don't want to leave the room." She frowned but nodded. Jennifer opened the windows and the cool morning air floated in carrying the scent of the forest. I pushed myself out of the chair, ignoring Jennifer as she rushed over to help. I walked to the window and glanced out. There was a child chasing butterflies; five men stood nearby vigilantly watching for any danger to the child.

"I need a bath," I said lamely. I didn't want to admit that just standing hurt nor that I could figure any way to get out of the pajamas. Jennifer seemed to understand and helped me to the bath. She was very patient with me, even when I started biting out curses when some particular motion hurt.

Later that evening, I stood by the window watching the sun set. Jennifer had tried to persuade me a few times to go walking about in the garden, but had let the matter drop when I promised to take the walk in a day or two when I had healed up. As she left, I asked if she could bring Daniel with her tomorrow. Her lips twitched in a smile and I fought to smile back. I really wanted to hate her and everyone in this place, but I found that it seemed to be harder to call them evil monsters as I got to know them. A part of me wanted to jump out the window and run away if the person I had invited came out of his dark hole.

I called myself a million names about being so stupid. I'd spent so much time avoiding or running away from him and on a whim I invited Donovan to talk. Well, I asked the guard to fetch him for a talk. I hoped he wouldn't come. I hoped he would and we could find some sort of agreement. Through the day I had been trying to figure out what to do. Hiding in my room for the rest of my life had seemed a nifty, if impractical, idea. Talking to Donovan seemed to be an insane idea, but I thought it would be a good place to start figuring things out.

There was a hesitant knock and Donovan slipped in, keeping close to the door. He looked about as uncomfortable as I felt. The Nightwalkers seemed to have shook whatever resolution he'd been holding onto before. I nodded towards the sitting area but stayed at the window.

Donovan sat down, looking at me, waiting for me to decide the course of this. I stared out the window again, but I didn't see the sun sinking below the horizon. "We were never introduced. I'm Katherine, recently divorced, library clerk, or I was one, at least." Donovan was silent. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw him looking at me like I had gone off the deep end. Maybe I had. Maybe you had to be completely bonkers to live in this world.

"I'm Donovan, widower, werewolf, leader of a wolf pack." He shifted a bit in his seat and looked at me, waiting.

"We seemed to have opposing goals. You wanted me to be your mate and I wanted to have everything return to normal. I can't have my way; it's impossible, isn't it?" I turned and looked directly at Donovan. He nodded and waited. I wished he would say something. I didn't really know where I was going with this. I wasn't even sure I knew what normal was anymore. I just know nothing had seemed normal to me in a long time, before Donovan and his wolf pack had taken me from what I knew. What I knew hadn't exactly been working for me.

"I don't want to be your mate. You are a stranger to me." I thought his face hadn't had expressions before, but after I said that, his face completely shut down. "Part of me wants to agree to everything so I can just stop trying to hold everything together; like if I just gave in, I wouldn't have these problems, but I know better. I can try to make a new life here, but there is no way I can be your mate."

"I can't force you. If I did, you would only hate me."

'I would." He glanced up at the conviction in my voice. I knew with certainty that if I was forced into anything with anyone, I would kill him in his sleep; he'd have to sleep sometime and I could bide my time.

"I never meant to hurt you... I..."

"You were looking for... normalcy. You weren't out to hurt me, you were looking for a way to stop the hurt inside of you." He nodded. I walked to the sitting area and sat across from him. "Life is like a storm while we're lost at sea. We look for something to hold onto, some port of safety. Some don't even realize it because they're never without that port, be it a person, place, or idea. I can't be your port. I don't even have a port, myself so how could I be one for anyone?"

"We're both lost at sea and neither of us knows a way back to safety?" I nodded and decided to wait for him to carry the conversation for awhile. I had come to the end of my rope with that metaphor. It sounded stupid when I replayed it in my head, but I couldn't take it back and it seemed to have worked alright at the time.

"Can we keep each other company until then? My brother is... He doesn't deserve my problems. You don't either. I just... I can help you deal with... with becoming a wolf." He raked his hands through his hair and started pacing the room. "I ruin everything I touch. If I hadn't bothered you in the first place, you'd be happily going about your life."

I frowned to myself. Would I? No... the divorce had left me bitterly unhappy. Nothing had been right for a long time and I had already been lost. I'd tried to make a life with my husband who seemed to have regretted marrying me not even a year after our vows had been made. Trying to make it work had been draining on me. Donovan hadn't made it worse. He'd just switched the problems. Everything from before just wasn't relevant anymore.

"Let's stop the melodrama. If I were to be honest, this probably gave me a new start that I needed. Granted, it was a harsher introduction to this world than would have been ideal. This..." I shrugged and sank into my seat. I didn't want to blame him. It took too much energy to stay pissed all the time. I was scared that if I let go of that anger, I would crumble inside.

"Nothing has been right for me in a long time, either. I miss her. She wasn't anything like you. She was all soft and smiles. She'd never have dreamed of raising arms against someone, kicking and punching. She was too gentle to be in this world. She was born into this world and it killed her. I should have taken care of her. Judy is right. I killed her."

"I've heard a bit of this Judy and she is a bitch. She is nothing but a bitter, hateful bitch. She is wrong. You didn't kill Melanie. Nightwalkers killed her." He flinched at Melanie's name. "I'm sure Melanie wouldn't want you beating yourself up like this. She'd want to see you happy." I squirmed in my seat and wished that I hadn't invited him. I didn't know what I was saying. Everyone here needed a psychoanalysis, myself included. I was probably making things worse.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Donovan muttered as he walked to the door and showed himself out. I leaned back in my chair and stared up at the ceiling. I said a prayer for strength to make things right. I hadn't asked for any of this, but, by God, I would work this out.