A Transgressive Act

Someone recently said to me that the act of submission for men was transgressive. I had to look the word up because in the past I had only heard that word in the connotation of sins or offenses.

I also heard the word in reference to a documentary that I recently saw about midnight movies, calling them transgressive. In that sense I think it meant that they were shocking and revolutionary and they also went outside of the bounds of the societal concept of acceptability.

I guess the word could be either positive or negative depending on how you look at it. To say that something is transgressive, therefore means that it pushes the limits in some way and pushes boundaries. The documentary went on to describe how marginal midnight movies were now the mainstream subject of present day movies and how many subjects which could not be shown in mainstream theaters are now big box office hits.

The movies that were mentioned were El Topo, The Harder They Come, Pink Flamingos, and Rocky Horror, and The Living Dead. Granted the subjects of some of those movies are quite gruesome and disgusting still probably for the majority of people (I'll admit that some of them gross me out), however, pushing the envelope is still a way to change society. People are attracted to movies like that for the shock value, but it also makes them think because it is so totally outside the mainstream schema of things.

I guess my point is that male submission is something that I am now understanding to be transgressive in the sense that it breaks men out of the societally expected norms of gender behavior which gives me hope of the power of transgressive acts to change the fabric of reality in the sense of gender expression.

I don't think that there is necessarily anything wrong with masculine or feminine gender expression. I just think playing with the stereotypes that they are couched in or the way they are interpreted by society, lets us be more expressive of a more balanced gender.

I can never forget seeing Rocky Horror when I was 17. It was definitely life changing for me. My first boyfriend in College took me to see it. I was secretly fascinated by Tim Curry's transvestite character but it took me a long time to come to terms with my interest. It is interesting to think about how my sexuality has evolved since I was 17. I didn't come out or start dating women until I was 30. At the time it seemed like such a relief to not have to perform a hetero role because I had a lot of deeply buried feelings that I had to deal with. Having a break from social expectations of heterosexuality helped me to redefine myself.

Some people have a hard time wrapping their brains around the idea of a changeable gender because they see a natural definition of gender roles that seems rather inherent. However, I am not one who sees gender as either/or. I think that we all have a different combination of both male and female characteristics. Some people lean more to one or the other end of the spectrum but just because they perceive themselves that way does not mean that they are incapable of experiencing the other side of the spectrum.

Now it seems like my feelings are coming full circle. Don't ask me what that means exactly, because I don't really know. I'm still not interested in men the way I used to be, but I dont' feel the same anger. I can appreciate men who have admirable and positive masculine qualities although that is not generally what attracts me. I am generally more attracted to men who are able to express feminine qualities whether they consider themselves effeminate or not.

I think that my center has changed many times since I was younger. Some people think that people always remain the same, but I've never experienced myself in that way. I think that I'm very fluid in my identity, my sexuality, and my gender.

I'm not sure exactly what my expression of my feelings means to anyone out there, but I feel sure that I'm not the only one. I think there's some power in expressing my feelings because that gives power to others who truly thought that they were alone in their feelings. I also feel very strongly in my spirituality that everything is interconnected and that everyone no matter how insignificant they feel has the power to make ripples in this fabric of reality that we share.